I don't know what I believe

It's hit me pretty hard lately that I don't know what I believe. I know I believe there is a God and at some point in history he did love humanity enough to send his son to die and reconcile us to him. But after that, I don't know what I believe anymore. I used to believe God was in control. I used to believe that the God was big enough to create the universe would make him self small enough to have a individual relationship with each of us. I used to believe in healing and miracles. I used to believe that only Satan put us in trials and through our prayers and faith, God rescued us. Somehow I have seen all those things I used to believe work for some people, but it hasn't necessarily proven to be true for me.
So, here I sit with very little that I do know for sure and ask the God that I know exists to spell it out all for me. If He wants me to know that he is in control, He's going to have to show me and if He wants me to believe that He cares enough about me to know me individually then HE is going to have to show me. He's going to have show me miracles before I will believe in them again. I know this is opposite of how it's taught it church. In church, first it's have faith and then the manifestation but I figure that If God is in control and He knows me individually, He knows that I did it the church way and He can see where that got me. I'm changing my grip. I'm no longer holding onto everything I thought I knew about life as a "christian" and whatever the truth is will have to grip me instead.

Steve ate healthier than I did, he did more for God than I do, he would have been able to handle me dying much better than  I am handling this. If God is in control and someone had to go, it should have been me.

Warning! Brutal Honesty

I'm a word of faith preacher's daughter. Always believed that God protects his people and heals. My husband was an associate pastor and a state intercessory prayer leader for the CMA. It's not like we were immature Christians. I'm dealing with questions about why the things I have always believed didn't work. Why didn't God protect Steve in the first place and then why didn't he show his glory by bringing Steve back. I have a thousand questions and apparently there are no answers. I've been broken for months and God's not talking. I'm not "feeling" anything other than betrayal and loneliness.

It's not like I've sat around all this time not trying to understand. I've talked to several ministers, gone to multiple services, etc. I'm tired of hearing people talk about how all you have to do is have faith and believe, APPARENTLY NOT. That's what I was doing. The fact that HUNDREDS of people were praying and we didn't even allow ourselves to discuss any possibility of God not healing him. The night before surgery Steve told me, he knew God had brought us to the right people and everything would be o.k. AND THEN GOD LET HIM DIE! Everything would have turned the same had we allowed ourselves to prepare for this possibility, our faith fixed nothing.

I hear great preachers say things like God works best when you are not in control, so you have to lean on him and he can prove who he is. That sounds good and all, but what happens when you are leaning on him when you are standing in a hospital room watching while your husband can't be revived, what happens when you spend years in faith that you can have a baby and you don't. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? All of it was out of our control and God had the perfect opportunity to prove who he is. Then they say, well God's not done yet, he will stay work through your pain and prove who he is. God's good at allowing us to go through trials but brings us out of them stronger than we were, everything will be o.k. WHAT ABOUT STEVE? He served God, he loved God, he believed for his healing, but everything didn't come out o.k. He wasn't brought through stronger to be an example of who God is.What does that mean?

I never understood before how someone could go from being a Christian to an atheist or an agnostic, but I get it now.  No, I'm not an atheist or an agnostic, but I understand where they are coming from. The church gives you a couple options: God works miracles if you believe (But then He doesn't) or there's something wrong with you, so God couldn't work a miracle (There's something wrong with everyone which means God could never help anyone). The church doesn't offer any real help to broken people. They offer, but then they ignore you when you ask questions that are too difficult for them to deal with. The most honest response I've had is "I don't know. " I appreciate that honesty and I know for half the christian population that will suffice. Those are probably also the people who can hear God talk to them or feel his presence. I feel betrayed and abandoned, not only because God didn't heal my husband; that's the biggest reason. I am more broken than I ever could have imagined and he remains SILENT. I know God is real, the problem I have is if he really loves me, why does he not seem at all involved in my pain? Why doesn't he realize the image of my husband lying there is burned into my mind. My life ended the day my husbands did, only in some cruel twist I have to endure continuing to exist in this world without him. 

Yes, I love the family I have but when you realize that God isn't going to do what you thought He would; you realize that it's only a matter of time before someone else is gone and then another and then another and you begin to wonder what is even the point. It's all pain and heartache and the closer you are to people the more it hurts. 

Silence

They say if I can't hear you that I'm the one who moved.I'm trying to figure out where I went wrong
I refuse to believe that you could see this pain and not react. You can't possibly hear my cries and just ignore them. What am I supposed to believe? I know it's me, but I'm trying and I CAN'T hear you. I CAN'T feel you.
Some say I must have some major sin in my life, some say I just don't have enough faith, and some say you are testing me. Which is it? If it's really any of those three, I don't see how anyone ever hears from you. If it's a test, I know I can't pass it.

This silence is too much to handle. I am standing here screaming at the top of my lungs letting you now that I NEED YOU! The silence is too much.

Abandoned

For several years I have been consistently aware that there is only one life to live on earth and we have to make the best of it. That was a much easier pill to swallow before. Now, it feels like my one life on earth ended Sept 11, 2013 only I'm stuck here in this misery while I watch everyone else continue on. 

I have been searching and seeking God for help. I've read more books in the last few months than I had read in years. I have gone to multiple churches and listened to even more ministers online. I've taken online classes to try to help myself. I'm to the point that I just feel betrayed and abandoned by God. 

My parents have served God my entire life. They have sold houses, cars, furniture to put into the church. They have given church members food, money, and cars. Steve and I were saved and raising our kids in church. We worked in the church, gave money to the needy, gave a car to someone in need. I know that you are not saved by works, but faith without works is dead. 

As he was in that hospital room, I did not discuss anything with him about the possibility that he wouldn't make it out alive. I relied on our faith because that is what I was taught. We had faith for more than 10 years that infertility would be overcome. We had faith for 15 years that he was healed of diabetes. Major life struggles that would have been nothing for God to fix, we had faith that He would but He never did. Steve and I discussed why I wasn't healed of PCOS and why he wasn't healed of diabetes and we just kept saying, we were healed; we just hadn't seen the manifestation yet. Well, NOW the healing doesn't really matter anymore because he never saw a manifestation while on this earth and since he is gone it really doesn't matter if I suffer infertility anymore. So, I look at the whole of our lives and we spent 18 years fighting in faith for healing and money issues. 

I understand that there are a lot of things I'm not going to understand because God is not logical. However, I'm tired of hearing other widows talk about how they "felt God's presence" or an Angel came to them or "God told me" such and such or they received a sign from heaven about their deceased spouse. I have been broken and I don't "feel" God, I don't "hear" God, I haven't seen any Angels. On September 4th, I thought God told me that Steve was going to be fine. This past summer I thought God told me we were getting ready to have a breakthrough in the business. Apparently I was wrong and God didn't say any of that. 

What's wrong with me? Why doesn't God see how desperately I need him to help me out. He has to be able to see this pain, He's God!

I don't doubt God exists, for some reason I still know that He does. I'm just wondering why other people feel Him and hear Him and I don't. I have searched and searched for what I could be doing wrong. I'm not holding any grudges, I tithe, etc. I can't figure it out. But, I have heard hundreds of preachers say, if you're not hearing God, then you are the one that moved. I am trying to figure out when and how I moved and how to get back to where I need to be. 

Life without Steve and without feeling any presence of God or hearing anything from him doesn't seem like much of a life.  I'm tired of trying. 

Christmas

No words to describe the pain, anger, disappointment, all around emotion of today. Even though I don't sound thankful for family, I am. I'm grateful for what I have left. However, my focus is currently on who is missing. It's completely true that money can't buy happiness. The only thing I want is the one thing God could give back to me, but hasn't. I know most people will never understand this, but I am one of "those" people that believes God is capable of anything and since he formed Adam from dust, he raised saints that had been done for years when Jesus died,  he could easily give me my husband back; that's not beyond his ability. That is what I want, I want my family back.  I want the chance to fix my stupid mistakes!

This is the first Christmas that the girls have not said "this was the best Christmas ever." Christmas is not my favorite holiday, but this is the first Christmas I have spent wanting so badly to run away.


I've fasted and prayed and begged God to help me out here. I NEED him to help me with this, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment. It's nothing like these books I read or other widows I talk to that tell me "just ask God, and he will comfort you" or they talk about how close they felt God was at their lowest points. WHY DON'T I FEEL HIM? Why, after everything I've been through, isn't He making himself clear.

Christmas Eve

Today has been harder than I thought it would be. I thought I was beyond the falling apart spontaneously phase, but apparently I'm not. Somehow I forgot two presents, so I went to Kmart and there I stood in the middle of an isle having a meltdown. It's unnerving to know I have no control over how this goes.

Christmas has never been my favorite time of year mainly because it's cold and I hate cold weather. This year, I have been further enlightened; I guess because I have more time on my hands I have noticed what it brings out in some people. I've seen some pretty crazy selfish stuff lately and it further validates why I've always liked to hide in what was our little world.

Everything's changed now and figuring this out  is the hardest thing anyone could ever have to endure

Almost

I almost made it the whole day without crying today. I made it to 11:25p.m. until I broke. I find myself feeling sorry for Steve. I know he's in a better place and all of that, but the last moments of his life he was ALONE and now he's missing everything going on here. My mind won't let me stop replaying that night over and over again. It's like constant noise. I left, he probably fell asleep and then woke up looking for me. He had been falling asleep and waking up looking at me all day. It doesn't matter how good my reason was for leaving, it wasn't good enough, and his perception is all that matters anyway. Perception really is EVERYTHING!


I seem to be able to psyche myself up for a couple of days at a time to just charge through life, but in an instant it all changes and I realize that I still check the house, looking for him, every time I walk in the door; it's not really a conscious thing, it just is. When reality hits that he's not there, I lose the drive again.

Sanity

I think the worst part of grief is the feeling that I'm losing my sanity. There are so many facets to this and just when I think I moved past one facet or at least found something I can tell myself to get through, it starts over again. I start to ask the exact same questions again wondering why I can't find ANY ANSWER good enough to convince myself to move beyond that question and on to another one. Of all the questions I have, the biggest one is Why doesn't God realize how much I need his help right now? Why isn't he giving me answers to some of these questions; they cannot ALL be explained away with "God's ways are mysterious and we just won't know til we get to Heaven."
I have never been someone who puts God in a box. He created everything by his words, he formed man from dust and breathed life into him; It may sound naive, but I just don't see anything that God can't do. So, I sit here wondering why some people get revelations regarding their questions, but I don't.

3 Months

It's been 3 months and time is moving too slow. I still find myself looking for him when I wake up in the morning. He was up before me a lot because of business meetings, but you would think by now, I would know he's not going to be sitting in the living room when I get up.

Sleeping is actually the best part of my day because there is always a chance I will see him in my dreams. It's a double edged sword because sometimes the dreams are so real and great that when I wake up I'm devastated that they aren't real, but sometimes the dreams are so comforting that I'm just grateful to have had it.

Since Monday was our 18 year anniversary I really really wanted to have one of those comforting dreams. I know it's not really him in the dream, but it doesn't change the fact that in some way beyond explanation it comforts me to see him and talk to him in my dreams. I haven't dreamed of him in the last 4 days, not even on our anniversary.

Anniversary - 18 years

18 years ago on December 9, 1995,  I married the love of my life. It was such a crazy day.There was a huge ice storm the day before our wedding. The pipes froze at my house so I couldn't get ready there, and the electric was out at Steve's house so I couldn't get ready there. After I got to the church, I realized Aleyce's hair didn't curl, even though it had been in curlers all night and Adison was sick with a fever. When the candle lighters lit the candles, the ivy that we used for decoration caught on fire and Steve put it out with his hand.

We finally got through the wedding and the preacher (my Dad) forgot the "you may now kiss the bride" part. Steve forgot to take his old green watch off for the pictures. Last but not least, the best man (Steve's brother, Stuart) left the building before signing the marriage license. 

It didn't take long after that day for us to say, we should have just gotten married on a beach somewhere and done away with all the tradition. Steve told me he wanted us to renew our vows on our 20th anniversary, on the beach. We almost made it that far.  

I got married at 18 years old and immediately became a family because he already had two children. I look back at those early years and realize how much I didn't know. Like most newlyweds, we had a lot of obstacles to overcome, but over the past 10 years we've had the best relationship of anyone I know. We loved each other unconditionally. Neither of us ever tried to change the other or insist the other one do something our way. We had a mutual respect and trust that we each would do what was best for our family in any given situation. It wasn't always perfect, but a lot of times it was perfect. 

Now, I look back 3 months and realize how much I still didn't know. Only, now I can't make up for any of it and no amount of I'm sorry is going to bring him back. 

I wonder what he knows where he is, if he even knows today's date or remembers the significance. Most people say marriage ends at death, but I don't see how a connection on that spiritual of a level can die. Unless God sees fit to reunite us soon, I guess I will be celebrating a lot of anniversary's without him. 

Just in case heaven has internet, Happy Anniversary Babe, I still love you biggest!

Oxygen

I lost my breath the second you took your last

If I could go back and change some things, you wouldn't have gone so fast.
If love could have brought you back, you would be here with me.
If broken hearts could kill, I would be there with you.
Now, all I have are the thoughts of what should be. 

I've lost the will to keep going without you
If I can't catch my breath can you come and rescue me

I'm on oxygen, against my will.

I've never felt a pain that hurts this bad
How am I supposed to outlast us
What happens to everything we had
I need a glimpse of what will be
Because I've lost my will to keep going without us
If I can't catch my breath, I'm going to need you to come and rescue me.

I'm on oxygen, against my will

Mad to the point of Sad

I have hit the mad phase. I'm not in anyway mad at Steve and I'm not even mad at God; I'm just mad at the whole situation. I'm mad that I don't understand, mad that he's not here with me, mad that in less than a week I should be celebrating 18 years of being married to my best friend and we can't celebrate. I'm mad that I'm doing life alone now and missing him. I'm really mad that I don't understand whatever it is that God is saying yet. I'm mad that I'm starting over at 36 years old with my biggest hope in this life being that Jesus returns soon.
After the mad is sad again.

NOW

Since my life has become undone, I find myself being unable to plan anything. The problem is not that I'm too busy with work or have such a social life, I can't fit anything in; the problem is planning requires thought. Thought requires consciously admitting that my plans will no longer include my husband.

My Mom and I were talking about Thanksgiving dinner the other day and she needed to count how many people would be there. I immediately began what I always do, I count by family household and I start with counting my 4 ... then it hits me that now it's 3 and I am completely overwhelmed again. I wanted to order tickets to a friends event, and before I thought about it I said I need 4 tickets but as soon as I sent the message IT HIT ME, I only need 3 tickets now.

Right or wrong, it has become necessary for me to only consider the moment I am in. Thinking about tomorrow or next week is too difficult and if I even consider what happens in a few years when my girls are grown and gone, IT ALL UNRAVELS. Now is all I can even begin to accept and live in. I think it's an improvement, a small one, but still an improvement over living every second in the past.

Romans 8:26

I feel the need to write, I just don't know what to say. I think I'm finally accepting that I may never know why it seems our faith didn't work. I'm just NOT accepting the fact that he's not here with me, very well. I still wish I knew what was going through his mind those last few seconds and moments. I wish I knew a lot of things.

Since this is Thanksgiving week, I've been trying to make myself figure out what I have to be grateful for besides the obvious answers, such as the family I have left. The only thing I can come up with right now is that I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit. Without it, I don't know where I'd be. There are days when I just can't find words to express and I know the only way anything gets through to God is by the spirit.

Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what to pray as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh request for us with sighs, which cannot be expressed.

I am also grateful for people who purpose to pray for us. I read another blog that said it so perfectly, "Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out." It is exactly like that. There are people that I have never even met or some I haven't seen in years that text or facebook message me just to let me know they are praying; that means more than I can ever say. 

"Is Steve there"

Shouldn't it get easier with every time I have to explain. It doesn't. People call the office, I answer and hear "Is Steve there?" Some days I still can't through the explanation, especially this past few days.
Once they hear the news, the next question is "what happened." I can't even begin to answer this question. I HAVE NO IDEA! GOD, I WISH I KNEW!!!!

Instead of getting easier it is getting harder. It's harder to get the mail and see that it is addressed to Steve Ashbrook. It's harder to have to check his email to see if anything important came in. It's harder to get on facebook and see married to Steve Ashbrook. It's hardest to wake up in the morning and realize he's not right there next to me. Especially after I've just dreamed that he didn't die.

In the beginning I was in a fog and just automating my way through every day, I think it's getting harder because the fog is lifting.

Wouldn't you be happy

Wouldn't you be happy if your husband stopped keeping you awake with his loud snoring
Would it make your life easier  to not have to pick up after him all the time.
How nice would it be if you didn't have to ask his opinion before you spent that money. Just imagine not having to deal with toilet seats being left up, his alarm going off after he's already left,  or having to check in with him while you're out shopping .
 
Trust me, it wouldn't make you happy. I would give ANYTHING to have any of these complaints. Be grateful for what you have, someday it will be GONE!

The Silence is Broken

I have cried, begged, and screamed with God to help me; give me something to hold onto. I was thinking yesterday that there have been lots of times in my life, I can say I think God did this or did that. Maybe a few times, I can even say it "seems" like God said this or that. But, I could only think of 2 times in my entire life, that I absolutely KNEW that God said something to me; both times were through prophecy. I've been trying to figure out why it seems like God has been silent when I need him most. He may not be silent, but I haven't been able to hear him.

I have no idea how, but somehow I ended up on the facebook page of a church about an hour from me. I went from their facebook page to their website and then from their website to their youtube channel. The first video I clicked on was a woman who explained the story of her 13 year old son's illness and death. He had died 2 days before this video was recorded. Somehow, she stood in front of that church declaring that "God is Good." The more I listened the more I knew I needed to visit that church.

Tonight, I drove to that church. While I'm standing there during worship, one of the Pastor's came up to me and said God told her to tell me that He didn't do this and He loves me. There were other things God said, but what I'm focusing on right now is just that God wanted to tell me He didn't do this and He loves me. I understand that this is the most basic information to everyone else right now and I realize that the Bible says the same thing all throughout it. The bible also says "by his stripes we are healed." Jesus gave anyone who believed in him spiritual authority over the devil. But, after we believed for Steve's healing and he passed away anyway, I have found it very difficult to believe even the basic stuff.  I have been broken and the foundation of my faith has been shaken.

I have been grieving two separate things. I have been grieving Steve, but I've also been grieving the security I felt in my belief system . There is nothing that can be done about the grief I feel over Steve, that is going to be a part of me. Three months ago, I didn't have many questions about my faith, eternity, healing, etc. On Sept 11, 2013 questions I had never even thought of before overwhelmed me. Every question leads to another question and no definitive answers were given. I knew I was starting over, not only physically but spiritually too. Finally, the foundation is beginning to be re-built.  I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but at least the silence has been broken.  I'm  back at the beginning, but that's farther than I was.

2 Months

Today is the 2 month mark. I really wish I could just lose track of dates because the fact that the 11th of the month is coming hits me way before the 11th, then I just count down the days. What else do I have to do anyway.

I have sincerely been trying to get God to show me some things. I'm not talking crazy like God audibly speaking to me things. I'm talking about the kind of things I've have heard my whole life and I've been reading in books for the past 2 months. People having these major epiphany's with God where they finally grasp something and find themselves able to move on even though it hurts. People who have said, just ask God to give you peace, scriptures saying he will give you beauty for ashes, etc. Well, I'm still waiting. I don't ever stop asking, reading, searching. I realize it most people's worlds 2 months isn't that long; for me it has been eternity. When every second and every breath brings pain, 2 months is excruciating.

I am not a stranger to faith struggles, we prayed for years to be able to have a baby; we prayed for years for Steve's healing of diabetes. Since God doesn't lie, I have to come to one of two conclusions, either our faith was somehow never enough or it's like the Hebrews 11 thing where we were never going to get the healing until we were in Heaven. Why do some people get it here? I have no idea. Why do horrible people get to be pregnant and have healthy children; people who never wanted kids in the first place. I have no idea. Why did I see so much more healing, prophesy, and movement of God as a child than I do now? I have no idea.

It's disturbing to me to not know the answers to any of this. I know that God's thoughts are higher than ours and some things are to remain a mystery, but somehow I just don't believe that we are supposed to know less now than before or that we are supposed to witness the works of God less now than we did before. I don't know what the answer is. I thought it was all just a matter of faith, but it seems that something else has to be involved. I don't know what it is, but I'm not happy with the knowledge that some people have the revelation and I don't.  I don't know how long it will take,  but God's eventually going to let me in on the secret.

Future

I used to make plans for the future; I used to be able to see myself in the future.I can't even visualize it anymore. I don't know if it's just a grief thing or what. When I try to make a future plan, I can't do it.
Lately, reality doesn't seem real. I feel like I'm watching days go by and not really living in them. We can be busy some days, but it doesn't take away how empty our lives are. It seems unbelievable, to some I'm sure, that one person can fulfill that much, but Steve did. I dream about him a lot now and the dreams have changed. At first when I would dream about him, I knew he was gone and something was separating us. Now we are always very close and sometimes we even talk about how he almost died, but didn't. Nothing separates us in my dreams anymore, I just wake up. God, I really really wish those dreams were my reality and I didn't have to wake up from them.

Stuck

Still trying to pull myself through this. I'm not sure what to do next; everything is up in the air for me. Some days I feel like just jumping on a plane and taking off. Emotions are insane; when one thing gets the best of me then it all falls apart.
I've been asking God for a lot of help with this and for the most part I think I'm getting some  help. There are just some days, like today, that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, it's a horrible day.

I'm trying to envision doing something with my life, but it's just not happening right now. I'm stuck!
I really want to be able to move on and try to find some way to be happy while I'm on earth. Counselor's say I haven't given it enough time yet, just let myself grieve. I don't seem to have any choice in the matter anyway, grief has a mind of it's own.

Cycles

I feel like I take 1/2 a step forward and then 5 steps back. This whole cycle of grief is exhausting. Just when I think I'm coming through, I start back at the beginning again.
I keep thinking about the Israelites wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years and I wonder how long I will be wandering around the same questions. It's not like I don't want to come to some kind of peace and to be able to experience anything other than sadness and pain.

 I'm hoping and praying God will just decide it's time to wrap all this up and rapture us.

I NEED YOU TO COME BACK TO ME

I need you to hug me and hold my hand. I miss you so much. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to accept this. Enduring this pain is miserable but having to endure the pain without you holding me is absolutely unbearable. Steven, I can't do this, I need you to come back to me.

Re-evaluate

At first I only questioned God on why and then I found myself re-evaluating EVERYTHING I believe. From the character of God to the existence of Heaven and everything you can possibly imagine in between. Scriptures have become more ambiguous than ever to me; I have spent time questioning why something is written a certain way in one verse and in the next verse a very important part of the first verse doesn't seem to be there. Why two preachers I highly respect and believe are anointed by God, can have two totally different takes on vital issues to me.

I have literally thought if people could hear my thoughts, they would think I was crazy. 

A lot of people might think I'm crazy, but I've come to learn that almost all of us who lose a spouse have the EXACT same thoughts.

I will say that for years I have thought that I'm missing something and I still haven't found it, but I think I'm going to. Believing in Jesus crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension were never hard for me. Believing that God, as big and vast as he is, sees me individually and cares for me individually has been my biggest hangup. There are obviously many smaller issues that I think I have to address as well.

When you are completely broken with no hope the only thing you can do is lay it all down. Give up!

Once I completely gave up all my preconceived ideas and everything I ever thought I knew, I realized how much I really don't know. I am now in the process of re-evaluating these things. It's frightening in once since because I don't do well with change, but I'm also looking forward to hopefully finding what I've been missing.

Tears fall

I've gone from holding hands during EVERY car ride to looking up at the stars and realizing how far apart we are. So much space separates me from the one I love the most. Some days I can try my hardest to put how much I miss him out of my mind, but most days I just can't deny it and the tears are uncontrollable.

Spiritual Cross Road

I'm kind of at a spiritual cross road right now, and I guess I have been for a few days. My head and heart have been arguing back and forth about what I know and what I feel. It's almost like I'm standing on the outside watching this conversation take place. But, the pain I feel is too excruciating for a bystander, I'm definitely living this nightmare. I am fully aware that there is a battle going on here and I feel like I'm barely treading water.

It is definitely true that in this big of a loss people tend to either run to God or away from him. I thought we were in the midst of God when it all happened. Which has left me with the debate between my head and my heart. It goes something like this:

A God, what in the world are you doing? Is this your idea of a blessed life? What is the point of living, if this is all there is?

B. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts

A. God must be too busy with other things and he is obviously not seeing the pain I'm in. I do not feel like He really loves ME as a person. I know he loves all of mankind in general, but I really need to feel like God is actively involved and cares about me, individually. If he truly cared why would he have allowed all this to happen. 

B. For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels won't, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep Gods' love away. Our fears for today, or worries about tomorrow or where we are -- high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean -- nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when He died for us.

A. All throughout the Bible I read about how Faith moves mountains, heals the sick and raises the dead. But, our Faith obviously didn't work. If the only way it works is perfection, then no one will ever have enough faith. When we needed God most and had way more than 2 or 3 people gathered together in faith, our faith didn't work. How do I believe that my faith will ever work for anything? How do I trust God now? 

B. If I don't have faith, what do I have left. I am constantly reminded of what Steve always said when questions were left unanswered "Seek first the kingdom of God, everything else will fall in line."

This is just a sampling of the debate that I've been in, there is much more.
I have decided to ask God to somehow show me the answers I need, take away the questions he doesn't plan on answering, and help me to recognize His love. 
While I do not feel like I have enough Faith to keep going, I've determined that it is God's job to bring me through this.

Counseling

I took the plunge and made an appointment with a counselor at a local Christian counseling organization. My first appointment was last night. I have never been to counseling before, so this was all new to me. She said I understand your husband died, how long ago was that? So, I started explaining. It took about 2 seconds for the tears to start falling from my eyes and about 2 minutes until she was crying too. When I got through the story all she could say was I'm sorry. She told me that she didn't even know how to help me and asked me if I still wanted to continue with weekly appointments. She did say my pain has made her re-think how she will treat her own husband. So I guess I paid for her to discover that life is never certain.

That definitely wasn't helpful. I just rehashed everything leading up to his death and his death with this woman and she has no idea how to help me.

I know I can try another counselor, but I have no desire to "try out" other counselors when I have to re-explain all this pain every time I see a new one.

The Two Shall Become One

I found myself in a downward spiral this past week. This grief thing is completely unpredictable and "the stages" seem to keep repeating themselves. I was talking to another widow about conversations with God and again I am hit with the realization that a lot of us feel the same things, but many of us don't say what we feel.

I have had many conversations with God about this pain. Until September 11, 2013, I had always enjoyed my life here and heaven was a just a distant thought  of something I knew would come someday, but I was in no hurry. Recently, I found myself in a hurry to get there. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just missing the other half of me and I long to connect us again. There is no amount of explanation that can make this understandable to anyone.

This level of grief can make you question things you would never have thought to question before. I have wondered if Steve will have forgotten how much we loved each other by the time I get there. I have wondered if he's just too happy to care. I have wondered if he can see how horribly I'm handling this. I have wondered if what I do from here on out affects who we are to each other in heaven.
I have begged God to just tell Steve how much I love him.

Mark 10:8 Jesus was talking to the Pharisees and he told them that when a Man and Woman get married "the two become one." I've been thinking a lot about how I do not feel like a whole person anymore; it's totally true, Steve and I became one. I've been trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be on my own, now that I'm the only half left here. Maybe I'm just supposed to continue being who we were together, I just have to do twice the amount of work now.

Since God decided to keep me alive, I'm praying that He will remove the pain and reveal the plan.

In black and white

I can stay depressed and grieving or I can try to move on.
As long as I'm grieving somehow I feel like I'm closer to Steve because I'm not letting go. If I have a decent day where I'm not crying all day, I feel like I'm further away from him.

I can alienate myself further to keep from getting hurt or I can join in on life completely and risk getting hurt. 
If I alienate myself I feel like I'm protecting myself from having to be this hurt again, but If I continue to do it this way then I miss out on the people that are left. I don't feel like I should enjoy the people who are left because Steve can't.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm upset that Steve moved on without me and if I let go of the grief then I move on without him. I'm apparently not ready to accept that no matter what I do I can't be with him anymore. Somehow I think that as long as I'm connected to him through the grief he won't forget me and I won't forget him.

How I wish I felt

What I would like to feel is that God is in control and will heal my pain. I would like to feel like I didn't do anything wrong and Steve knew how much I loved him. I would like to be able to just pick  myself up without feeling guilty for doing so. I would like to be able to think what I have left in this life is enough for me to make the best of it. I would like to be able to continue the plans that Steve and I discussed and not feel my heart ripping out of my chest daily. I would like to be able to drive passed Lindbergh Boulevard without losing my grip and recalling the events of the night he died. I would love to sit in my house, with my kids, JUST ONE DAY, and not weep uncontrollably. I wish I didn't feel the need to pull away from the people I have left because I don't think I can handle losing someone else I love. 

I wish the promise that I will see him again some day brought me enough comfort to get me through for however long it takes "someday" to come.

What I KNOW and what I feel are NOT very often in agreement right now. Currently, what I know, I only know because of years of hearing it. I do not FEEL like God is in control and I do not FEEL like the God of this universe cares at all about my pain. All I can do, at this point, is tell myself that even though I'm not sure I'll make it through this with God, I definitely won't get through it without God. 

How I wish I felt:

John 8:32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Phillipians 4: 6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Navigation

My emotions have been all over the map the past few days. The overwhelming thing I feel is sad because I miss him and us so much. I cannot come up with the words that would adequately describe this feeling. Every day I realize something else that I will never have again or that I wish I had done differently, adding the new realizations to the ones I have already had has become completely overwhelming. My daughters will now be raised without a father to show them what a man should be. No father to tell them how beautiful they are how and to show them how valuable they are. I know many women get divorced and raise children on their own, but the difference none of this was chosen.  He was a wonderful man and he would have been exactly the kind of man they needed to look for later.

I'm also very frustrated because I'm navigating all of this alone. It seems like everyday there are problems that I'm having to try to figure out alone and it is very frustrating. I'm not talking stuff like I need a piece of furniture moved, I'm talking major life and business issues that only him and I had a stake in. This stuff doesn't mean as much to anyone else, so they can't grasp the depth of the importance or the pain.

When you're a kid you always think you're the only one going through something. Everything is such a major deal and no one understands you. You grow up and realize how childish that way of thinking is. Unbelievably there is a place a lot like that place as an adult. There are very few others who can grasp this pain and it's a toss up, out of the ones you know, as to whether or not they made it through. That's how I feel most, it's a toss up.

Of the people I know who lost a spouse, probably 90% of them masked their pain with alcohol or drugs. I haven't drank a drop, smoked a puff, touched a drug, not even a sleeping pill. It's not because it hasn't crossed my mind. I would love to not be present for this pain. There have been two reasons I haven't touched it. 1. My kids have now suffered the trauma of loss twice in their short lives. 2. Since he had to die, maybe I'm supposed to feel this pain. If I don't feel it now and learn whatever I'm supposed to learn, what happens next to get my attention.

Comfortable love

Being loved by the same person for 18 years made me comfortable. I knew beyond any doubt that I could trust him to be there and he would do everything in his power to make my life better.

That's what happens when you are the most important person in someone's life. You will do whatever it takes to show them how important they are.

When a spouse dies, you immediately feel the pain of your loss. You immediately realize that you've lost the them and you can no longer be with them. Later, you realize that you are no longer loved like that; that comfortable love that you've always felt is gone. Now, he doesn't comfort me when I'm crying. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. I will never be the most important person again. This explains the phenomenon of when a spouse dies, the other half often dies within 2 years. How do you go from feeling that loved and important to feeling nothing but heartache.

Heaven

Since most of my heart now resides in Heaven, I began doing a lot of reading on Heaven. There are some doctrines who say the Bible is clear that we won't know each other there and other's that say the Bible is clear that we will know each other there. Obviously it's one of those subjects that not everyone will agree on. But, I really like the way that Jentezen Franklin describes this in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQqJAUZcp8M&feature=youtu.be

Joseph, Moses, and Abraham

Everyone has something they are good at, I just happen to be good at college. I love college, I would seriously just keep going and racking up degrees if money were no object. To me, it seems like academics is the only thing I'm really good at. 

It doesn't matter how book smart I get, nothing that I've learned in school could prepare me for this tragedy. None of it can help me with the loneliness or give me answers. Since I was probably 7 years old,  my analytic brain has asked a lot of biblical questions and some of them have yet to be answered. There are still to this day a few things that I do not comprehend. There have been many times in the past that I've honestly wondered why God just didn't give up on me and all my questions. 

What I have realized over the years is that I don't think it upsets God for me to ask all my logical questions. Thomas doubted and it didn't make Jesus mad. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think the questions, whether they get answered or not, are all a part of God's plan to reveal something else. 

I still have all the same questions I have been posting about for the past month; they haven't been answered, but I have been doing a lot of reading and searching for answers to those questions. In my reading I have remembered that many people in the Old Testament, New Testament, and even today go through a lot of HELL on earth. Everyone always talks about Job, and that is a good reference, but I'm thinking about Joseph, Moses, and Abraham. Abraham had to leave his hometown, send his only son away, and later be willing to kill his other son. I have no idea why God allowed Joseph to be sold into Slavery or Moses' mother to have to give him away to save his life. But, what I do know is that God took it all and made something beautiful out of it. So while I'm questioning WHY didn't he stop all of this stuff before it caused all the suffering, I also see all throughout history that he took the broken pieces and formed something new. 

I don't know if I will ever be able to stop asking all the logical questions because that's just the way my brain works, but regardless of my questions I have no choice but to hope that all the hell I'm living now, the loneliness I feel, the regrets I battle, the agony of life without my soul mate will somehow be woven into a tapestry that I do not yet comprehend. If you ask me, there is no way that anything will ever change what I feel right now, but I'm trying to tell myself that there was a reason God didn't ask me. 

Today, I have been thinking a lot about these two versus. 

I have never been weaker than I am right now.

1 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  

I have no strength left. 

Zechariah 4:6 "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, say the Lord Almighty." 

Back and Forth

I have never suffered from an addiction to anything, but right now I feel like what an addict might feel like.  I face this battle 24 hours a day. I have this thing that I just can't let go of and I'm pretty good at hiding it most of the time. I can't hide it from myself though; it invades my every thought and action; it even invades my dreams. Tomorrow I might feel like I can stand on my own two feet and make some progress, but today I feel like I'm totally lost and there will never be final end to this pain. The back and forth of emotions is exhausting.

I just can't believe this is now my life, if you can even call it life; it really just seems like waiting a really long time to be with him again.

Open Letter to God

I really need you to give me some help with accepting all of this. I have no idea what you're doing, why did you give us so much hope while he was in the hospital and then let him die? I know that you didn't kill him, but you are the ultimate authority and ,according to Job, you had to approve it. I just can't get passed this; if you love me, why would you allow this to happen?

I know that people are always praying for things, like to win the lottery, and they don't get their prayers answered. I can see why those prayers don't get answered. I have always believed that Faith is what it takes to move from natural to super natural living. Steve and I have seen healing miracles and we've experienced prophecy fulfilled in our lives. We have operated in the gifts of the spirit and I can't count the number of lives he pointed to you. I know that it all hinges on Faith, but faith without works is dead. What I really want is a revelation of whatever it is that I don't know. Obviously, I'm missing something. I don't believe that you would allow someone to die because the pain medication had them to tired to pray, I believe that is when the Faith of the rest of us was to supposed to hold him. So, how do I explain this to my kids when I can't explain to myself why the praying didn't work. How do I help them keep an unshakable faith, when we just witnessed the faith of hundreds of people NOT work. What happened to "when two or three are gathered in my name" and "whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven"?

I am fully aware that faith only works when I'm believing within your will and I was. I know it's not your will   to cut short the life of someone that was going to draw countless more people to you. At this point, it just seems like a roll of the dice on when my faith is going to work or not and I can't accept that.

You are supposed to love me even more than my Dad; I just cannot comprehend any situation where my Dad would allow my Husband to die if he had the power to stop it. You could have simply returned his heart rhythm to normal and I cannot fathom any good reason that you didn't.

I've been trying trust you to "work all things together" for our good, but since you let Steve die, I'm having a hard time trusting. You designed marriage to be this kind of bond, you put us together and then you allowed us to be ripped apart way too soon.  You allowed my children to be fatherless. If you really know my heart, you know it's broken and desperate for something to hold onto. I'm really trying not to give up, but you are going to have to come really far to reach me. I need you to give me something and I don't know what it is, but you should.

Hopelessness

I had really hoped that I was starting to move forward, but today has proven me wrong. I'm so angry one minute and the next my heart is breaking all over again. Trying to keep myself and the kids extremely busy was working, at least I thought it was. I don't want to forget him or diminish who he was to us, but I can't function if I'm not working towards something. Apparently some days, I'm just going to fall apart anyway and I was really hoping that I was done with feeling this much pain.

I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. last night, but I couldn't go to sleep til 1am and then I woke up a little after 5a.m. The night he died just kept replaying in my head; trying to remember if he said anything as I walked out the door. We had already said goodnight and then he asked me for the plastic cup and we discussed that, so I just don't remember yet what the last thing he said to me was.

I always thought life was great here on earth, but it is totally different now and it's not so great anymore. I really miss him and I just want us back.

I hear so many stories of women whose husbands have died and shortly after, their husbands are giving them "signs". Well, I don't know if I even believe that could or would happen because I can't find any basis for that in the Bible. I do know Steve isn't giving me any signs.

I have a feeling this is going to be a really long battle and a few days ago, I thought I might be able to fight it, but today I don't even want to fight this battle anymore. I'm tired and I just want him back. I want God ,in all his power, to just put him back in the middle of my living room and let him stay.

His Bible

I went through Steve's Bibles tonight and found a letter I had written to him in July 1996; we had only been married 6 months. The first year of our marriage was pretty rough, but no one that knows us would ever know that. We had a better marriage than everyone we knew. We even considered writing a book about marriage from our perspective.

I also found a page where Steve had written a list of baby boy names. I used to write out baby names that we were considering, but I didn't know he did. He wanted to name a boy Stephen Wesley. As a matter of fact, it was just while he was in the hospital that he was telling our oldest daughter that we had picked that name if we had another boy.

Tomorrow will be one month since he died, I miss him like crazy. Worse, I know that I will never stop missing him; this feeling is here forever. A lot of things might get easier, but missing him won't.

Family dynamics

Nothing can prepare you for the craziness that happens within your family after you lose your spouse. The majority of our family has been great, but I'm noticing there are 4 factions.

The "I want to help you" group, this is where the majority of my family falls. They are doing anything and everything they can to help me and I know I can count on them to continue as long as I need them.

The "I want to help you, BUT" group. These are the people who really would like to help but they can't really come around as often as they would like to because of work, distance, or other priorities. I have a couple of these family members and I understand where they are coming from

The "I want" group. Unfortunately some of these have surfaced. This is pretty self-explanatory, but I'll dive in just a little bit. There are some who want to tell me what I should be doing. There are some who want me to give them things that belonged to Steve.

Finally, the "when is all the attention going to get off you and back on me" group. These are definitely interesting people. I certainly would not wish this kind of attention on my worst enemy. I would gladly give it all up to have Steve back.

Some family has chosen to pretend that my girls and I are not here anymore either and that's o.k. If it makes it easier on them to deal with.

I am forever grateful to the members of my family and my friends who have done everything they can to continue to help us through this. I can't mention you all by name now, because that would just be awkward if I forgot one, you would think I put you in another category.

Starting

I'm starting to figure out that days will pass, whether I'm ready or not. Life will happen, whether I'm participating or not. So, I'm making choices to continue our lives, as hard as it is to do without Steve. Honestly, a lot of times, there doesn't seem to be much point to any of it without him. But, I know the clock is ticking and there is a lot to be done. I'm beginning to make some plans for the future. I want to make a difference in the world. One of my favorite quotes is "If your presence doesn't make an impact, you're absence won't make a difference." Steve's presence definitely made an impact and his absence has definitely made a difference. I need to find a way for him to remain present.

I've been thinking about Steve's ministry.  He was very talkative and that worked great for his ability to minister to people. I'm not talkative at all! As a matter of fact, I would much rather just text someone than have to actually talk. He used his love for motorcycles to be involved with the Christian Motorcycle Association and he loved the opportunities for ministry there. I don't think he ever told anyone, other than me, but he really wanted to become an evangelist for The CMA; he just couldn't work towards that goal yet because of our financial situation.

The CMA puts on an event every year called Run for the Son where they raise money to donate to three Christian charities.
1. Open Doors
2. The Jesus Film
3. Missionary Ventures

The video explains each charity and what they do.
Steve told me that on average every dollar that is donated to Run for the Son means 1 person is brought to Christ. That's an amazing return on investment, in my opinion. $1 = 1 soul.

I'm explaining all of this to say that I will be adding a donation button on this blog and our company website as soon as I can get the website people to do it. The donation button will allow you to donate to Run for the Son, in memory of Steve. I'll notify everyone when the button has been added.

This is Steve during Blessing of the Bikes 2012. Steve is the bald guy in the blue shirt and black sunglasses.

"Hope in Front of Me"

So, I ordered Danny Gokey's book "Hope in Front of Me" and I began reading it this morning; I'm on chapter 8 now. It always amazes me when other people have experienced what I'm going through and we all end up with the same questions and similar regrets. He said something in chapter 5 "Faith held on to me because I no longer had the strength or the will to hold on to it."  That hit me like a ton of bricks because I know that is where I have been in all of this. I am slowly beginning to accept that I will not get the answers and it is ALWAYS going to seem like we were robbed of what should have been. I know I should just be thankful for the time we had, but I'm just too selfish for that right now. I'm accepting that in order to keep from going crazy I am going to have to stay incredibly busy. Most of all I'm starting to accept that even though I'm mad, there is some reason I'm still here. I have no idea why yet, but there has to be a reason and I need to find what that reason is. I need to raise these kids the way Steve would have helped me raise them; now I just do it alone. These realizations do not change much; I'm crying as I write this. The realizations simply give me another reason to get up and function every day.

I have been telling myself that no matter what, I have to trust that God has some plan, as bad as I think this plan sucks, I'm not God. This internal conversation keeps me held together about 75% of the time now.

The Widow Club

I had an o.k. day today, even thought I woke up way too early. I had a lot of business to deal with. My to do list was pretty long and I finally got my hair colored. It's amazing how much you simply don't care about your hair in times like this.

I came home and my brother was working on the bathroom remodel that Steve didn't get to finish. I had a good talk with him and his girlfriend. People that have never lost a spouse to death just do not have the ability to comprehend what you are going through. That doesn't mean they don't care or they don't try; they just can't. My brother lost his wife when he was 24 years old, so he gets it ( I know what you're thinking; how in the world does this happen twice in one family). There are very few people my age who understand, and even fewer with my belief system who are close to my age. This is a very lonely process. As crazy as it sounds, it really helps to be able to talk to someone who has been there and experienced the exact same thoughts and regrets that I am experiencing right now. Everyone tells me there will be a time that it won't sting so much, but most of those people haven't lost a spouse. My brother is 19 years out and he said a day doesn't go by that he doesn't think of her STILL, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I really want to get to the point that I can remember Steve and just be happy that I had him; leaving all the regrets and what if's and questions in the past. I don't know how long it will take, but at least I have some hope that it may one day happen.

Sometimes, I think my questions are going to drive me insane.

Beloved

"Here is what Steve put on my Facebook wall September 4, 2012. 
You have captured my heart,
my treasure, my bride.
You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,
with a single jewel of your necklace.
Your love delights me,
my treasure, my bride.
Your love is better than wine,
your perfume more fragrant than spices.
Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride.
Honey and milk are under your tongue.
Song of Solomon 4:9-11

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you have a wonderful day, anything I can do to make it Great just let me know.
I love you my Beloved."

He always called me his Beloved; Amy means Beloved. For the past couple of years I have been planning to have Beloved tattooed on my foot, but I was just trying to decide exactly how I wanted it. About 6 months ago, Steve and I had a discussion about using both of our thumbprints to make the B. This is another big regret, that I didn't do it while he was here. He would have loved to take me to do it. 
I realize a lot of you probably don't agree with tattoo's and that is fine. When I read the Bible, I see that it's not o.k. to get a tattoo in remembrance of the dead and when Jesus returns he will have something written on his thigh. So, I may still get the word beloved tattooed on my foot, but now I plan to put his fingerprint on a necklace. 

I really wish I could have these memories and just be thankful for being able to have them, but again it all leads back to realizing how good he was to me and thinking of a thousand things I should have done for him. 





  

Death Certificate

Today it has been 3 weeks since Steve died. At this very moment, three weeks ago, a team full of people were performing CPR and I was calling people while driving frantically to get back to him. They finally called me and said the Death Certificates were ready so I went to pick them up today. I cannot describe this feeling. Being in that funeral home was overwhelming. The last time I was in there, I stood over his body, holding his hand for an hour; trying to figure out how to let go.

I am trying to get stronger. I keep trying to tell myself that God has a plan and my life is not over. I keep trying to tell myself that I will not be depressed forever and eventually I will see joy in this life without him. Sometimes, for a few minutes, I can convince myself. Mostly, I just deal with regretting and questioning so much.

Sleep

Today has been tough. I didn't sleep well and I woke up too early. Obviously, sleeping is easier than being awake, so being able to sleep well would be nice. The only appointment I had today got cancelled, so that left me sitting here all day with nothing to do but think. Adison called and asked if we wanted to go see a movie, so we decided to do that.

I took the girls to Wal-mart to get candy for the movie and a birthday card for my Mom. I seriously hate going to the store now. EVERYTHING reminds me of something. I got to the card isle and the birthday cards for Mom's are right next to the birthday cards for wives. Steve always got me a birthday card and he always wrote something very sweet in it. This year he was in the hospital on my birthday, so there was no birthday card. We were going to get a couples massage for my birthday, but never had the chance. I finally got out of the card isle and went to the candy isle. First thing that jumps out at me is Wintergreen Life Savers. When Steve first went into the hospital, he had a very sore throat and a bad cough. The nurses would only give him one cough drop every two hours, so he had me sneak him sugar free wintergreen life savers because they would help his throat. He never needed them after surgery because the cough and sore throat were gone.

As we sat down in the movie theatre tonight, I remembered that the last movie Steve and I took the girls to see was Planes. When we left the theatre, there were posters up for Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2 and the girls got in the car chattering about how they wanted to see it as soon as it came out. We told them we would take them to see it. So, today I took them without him.

Have you ever had a day where you just question EVERYTHING; even things you knew to be true just yesterday. Today has been that day for me. I have not been able to keep my mind busy enough today to stop thinking about it all. The horrible images of them performing CPR are branded in my mind and I hate thinking about it. I would love to be able to just believe and accept that he died with no pain, but the truth is,I have no idea because no one knows what happened. I have no idea if he felt everything they were doing. I want to believe he heard me praying and telling him I love him, but if he heard that then that means he had to have felt the pain of them working on him.

Numb

I think I have entered a numb phase; basically attempting to ignore reality as much as possible and still function. I know it will catch up to me, but I don't want to deal with any part of this. Of course, every once in a while I will have a random memory that stops me in my tracks. But, if I try to deal with it all right now, I just end up questioning everything and regretting everything. Today, I remembered a few minutes that could have been when Steve had the massive heart attack. I had the thought at that time, that I was just going to take him to the hospital, but the pain went away rather quickly so, we just blew it off as Acid Reflux. If I had insisted that we go, he could still be alive right now. Steve wasn't the type to say that he needed to go to the hospital, but he always wouldn't have refused if I said I wanted him to go. Regrets like this are why I have to try to remain numb. My kids need the only parent they have left to be present and functional.

There are some things I have to face and make decisions on. We still have to choose the headstone for the grave and decide what it should say. How do I reduce what needs to be said to a few characters on a piece of stone?

Angel's Birthday

This morning was tough because I had another one of those was it a dream or reality nights, and I needed Steve. I gave Angel the gifts we had chosen for her and then we went to Church. Church is still hard for me; walking into the building without him feels like I can't catch my breath. After church, our friends Chrissy and Shawn took us to lunch. My brother came and worked on the bathroom. Adison came to hang out with us for Angel's birthday. A friend, Lacey, has started going to dinner with me on Sunday nights, after I drop the girls off to Awana. So I have been kept too busy most of the day to think a lot.

However, there were a lot of times today, that I noticed myself talking about Steve. I also had to fill something out online and one of the questions was Married or Single? There was no option for widowed and marking SINGLE doesn't feel right to me.

Memories everywhere

Today started off o.k. I had another dream about Steve last night, but the frustrating thing is that I can't remember anything about it. Sometimes, I start dreaming about him and then I wake up and can't remember what I dreamed. It's upsetting because dreams are the closest I get to him now and I want to remember. One of our favorite movies was the Demi Moore Movie, Ghost. You have no idea how many times I've wished that could happen.

I picked up Angel's friends and we went to the Science Center to have a build a bear party and look around. The party went good and they had a great time. But, the hospital that my husband died in is right by the Science Center. When I pulled onto Kingshighway I looked over there and it took everything I had to hold it together. The whole drive from Kingshighway to Lindbergh I was replaying that night in my mind. Lindbergh is where I turned around right after the doctor called me. That drive seemed like it took forever; I guess it did take forever.

After we took her friends home, Angel wanted to go to Fazolis for dinner. I took her and Jamie and we met Adison, Jessi, and Aleyce over there. As I was sitting there, I couldn't hold it together anymore. On September 3, 1995 we took my parents and his parents to this same Fazolis and announced our engagement. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to have to move far away to be able to try to move on;18 years of our lives built here is a lot to try to "move on" from. Most of the time I know I can't leave where 18 years of our lives have been built because even though it's not HOME without him, it's still the closest thing to  home we have.

The girls don't really seem to be grieving. Jamie cried in the beginning and Angel said she was sad, but didn't want to cry. I have noticed that Angel is clinging to Adison more now and she often puts her head on my chest to hear my heartbeat. I think she's concerned, but doesn't want to talk about it. Steve's symptoms started with a cough and now if I cough Angel wants to know why I'm coughing. They shouldn't have to go through life without a Dad, especially the father that Steve was.

Physical Pain

Since Steve died I have dealt with so many emotions and feelings, but one of them has been that my chest physically hurts. I was praying and holding his foot while they were attempting to bring him back and one of the times that they said "clear" it just didn't register and I didn't "clear". I felt the jolt go through my arm and as the night went on I felt very odd. My husband just died, so of course I felt bad. I felt like I was going to throw up most of the time. The next morning, I experienced something that I have no idea how to explain. Sometimes, I dream very vividly and I used to have to ask Steve if I dreamed it or it happened. Well, I assume I dreamed this, but my heart was racing and I was dying. I felt myself leaving my body and then coming back. It happened three times. I was thinking, I can't die laying here next to my kids. When I woke up, I didn't know if it was a dream or it really happened or what, but I still felt weird. I have physically felt chest pain since he died. I have no idea why, but I'm finding out that it is a normal thing. Apparently being this emotionally heartbroken can manifest itself with physical pain. 

I looked at a house today. I'm not ready to sell this one, but I think we probably need to move. I find myself constantly wondering what Steve would do, if the roles were reversed. Then regretting that we never discussed any of this, but why would we.  I told him countless times that God knew what he was doing when he put us together, no one could have been more perfect for me or fit more perfectly into my family. As unlikely as it seems that a 17 year old girl and a 24 year old divorced father would be a perfect match; we were perfect for each other.  He always said it was a God thing. 

The questions are infinite, but  the worst part about it all is that my heart left me when he died. I can't figure out why he didn't fight his way back to me. But, because he didn't come back to me, I have to keep going as an incomplete as I am. 

Obituary

Most of the time I feel numb. I'm just going through the motions attempting to keep it together every day. I try my hardest not to think about it until there's no way around it.

Last night I woke up sometime in the night absolutely terrified. I have no idea why; I assume I had a dream, but I don't remember it. All I could think about was Steve, and for the entire day I have felt like something is wrong (other than the fact that my husband died). I don't know what it is, but I can't shake it. 

The obituary came out in the paper today and people started calling asking what happened. I have gotten pretty good at holding it together in front of people; I don't fall apart until I'm home. The Leader called and wants to do a story on Steve's life, so they asked me a lot of questions. When I got home and pulled the Leader out of the mailbox, I started crying before I ever saw the obituary page. I knew it was there, but seeing it brings another level of reality that I'm not ready to face. 

I feel like my head and my heart are at odds again. Part of me knows that Steve doesn't even care what is happening here and he's not giving any of us a second thought. But, if I keep myself busy and do whatever I can NOT to think about him, I feel guilty for not thinking about him every second.  I don't want to forget anything about him and I'm so afraid I will forget something. I don't want time to minimize what we shared and even though I have no choice, I can't seem to let it go. There are times it still just doesn't feel real; I actually picked up my phone intending to call someone else today and I called Steve's phone. I have no idea how long it will take for me to face total reality, but I know I haven't completely faced it yet.  

Fixer

I was born into a Christian family; my parents are pastors. I have known about God my whole life. Sometimes, I think that makes things a little harder. A lot of people have a MOMENT when they realize they need God and then they give their life to him. I just knew, there wasn't a MOMENT that brought me to a realization that I needed God, I always knew.
I have always been a "fixer." My personality just makes me want to fix problems for people. There has really never been a time that I felt incapable of finding an answer or helping someone through a problem. I have always known that there is a way to fix whatever the problem is, I just have to find the solution.
My whole life, I have "helped" God fix my problems. If myself or a family member is sick, I look up holistic solutions and go to work on trying to remedy the issue. If someone I know has a legal battle, I go to work on helping to remedy the issue. It's just something in me, that feels the need to fix things, UNTIL NOW. Now, I have a problem that I cannot fix. No one can help me fix this. For the first time in my life I can't do ANYTHING to fix it. I find myself having to rely on God completely; trust completely that even though I'm angry, hurt, and questioning Him that somehow he will get me through this.
I still don't know why this happened. I still have so much guilt that if I let myself think about it, I would go insane. I still have no idea how I'm going to make it through all of this loneliness. Somehow, I will continue living, even though I feel like most of me died with him. Somehow, I will get my girls through this with their Faith in God intact. Somehow, I will make this business, we were building, successful. I don't know if I will ever feel like a whole person again, but for the sake of my kids, I'm attempting to do more than just EXIST until I die.

This is how I feel at this moment which is continuously changing.

Red

Our son and daughter in law had decided to give me a pedicure for my late birthday present. Steve was in the hospital on my birthday, so everything was on hold. Today, my daughter in law asked if we could go get the pedicures. I never had a problem picking a color of polish because Steve always liked Red. So, I ALWAYS got red; I liked it too. The whole time we were driving to the nail salon, I thought about the color I would pick. Something so simple is now a major decision to me because now, no one cares what color my nail polish is. I tried to pick another color, just because I have never picked another color. I chose an orange color I thought, but after it was on, it still looks like a red.
As I drove up to my house and looked at the windows, I found myself hoping that I would open the door and see him sitting in his chair. As soon as I walked in the door after a pedicure, he would say "let me see." But, again reality smacks me in the face when I walk into the house and he's not here.

Breath

I start to have moments where I think I might be strong enough to do this and then there are moments that it just seems like I'm watching someone else's life.  Then the breath is literally knocked out of me by the reality of it all
I have been with him since before I even knew who I was. Now, I have no idea who that is because all of me was wrapped up in US. Everything that happens throughout the day, I want to tell him about. I look at my phone expecting to see a text from him and then realize I won't get those anymore. I think the loneliness has overtaken the guilt, at least for now. If you're blessed enough to be married, don't take the time you have together for granted.
If you are blessed enough to be married to your best friend, you know what I'm talking about; there is absolutely nothing in this world that I want to do without him. Everyone says "give it time, it will get a little easier." Maybe the guilt will let up, and maybe I will learn to accept not knowing why, but I don't see how the loneliness gets easier with time. It seems to me, the longer I'm without him, the more it hurts.

11 days

This is the longest amount of time I have gone without seeing him. He went on a motorcycle trip for 10 days once, but we talked on the phone every day. Tonight, I just really miss him. All the other stuff I've been feeling is still there on the sidelines, but the overwhelming feeling is I simply miss him. I miss him holding my hand everywhere we go. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss the way he made me feel. Most of all I miss feeling loved by him.

Should have been date night

Every Sunday we went out to dinner together; 2 hours of just the two of us. Now 5:30 - 7:30 will just be 2 more hours of me without him.

Another morning

I keep trying to figure out why I don't just dream about him. I need something to hold onto besides the image of them frantically trying to save his life or me looking at his body in that funeral home. I finally had a very short dream that he came to kiss me, but he could only kiss me twice because if he kissed me a third time, I would die too. I was trying so hard to get him to kiss me a third time and take me with him and the dream ended.  I wake up to another day without him in it and more questions as to what the point of all this is. Then, I tried to dip a q-tip in the colloidal silver bottle and accidentally dropped it in. Now, I'm crying because I'm realizing that even something so small I would have taken to him for help because he always knew where the tweezers were and I have no idea. I'm sure I can figure out a way to get the qtip out, but he should be here.

In his own words. God forgive me.

Since the Bible is infallible, then my only answer is that I did something wrong. Somehow I prohibited God from fixing this for us. This guilt I feel is too painful.

I found over 70 sermons written by Steve, saved on his laptop. One if them dealt with Hope in hopeless times. If you didn't know Steve personally, this should give you some idea of his level of Faith.  The underlined sections are underlined by me. This is where I see that in order for this to have been able to happen, I had to have stepped out of faith. Here is what he wrote:


Hope
As Christians we don't always have answers.
Sometimes things happen even to us we can't explain.
Jn 10:10 Satan comes to kill steal and destroy

Rom, 8:28 all things work together for good to them that love God.

When something tragic happens the question “Why is this happening to me” come up.
It's not about us!  This life is about Jesus Christ.
Jn. 16:32 ( jesus said)
[32]  But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me.

Jn 16:33 (Jesus said)
[33]  I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

You see in 32 that Jesus warns that trouble is coming, but in 33 says in me you will have peace, and tell them He has overcome the World.

James 1:2-4
 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this , that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Count it all joy, Hope is an earnest expectation of Good, if we expect good we have hope if we have hope we have joy.

When we are under pressure from life, and trouble comes we speak loudest.
People remember the bad things, the good things we tell them they forget quicker.
The news only plays bad news.

Luke 6:45 says
... for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

So when the trouble comes what are we broadcasting to the World?

 2 Cor. 4:5-18
You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. * This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” * We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, * will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are * being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Its clear the Great power within us is from God, because we are like clay jars. We are under constant danger, pressed on every side. Trouble is coming.
But our spirits are being renewed every day!
You see when troubles come against us they look bad, but we cant see the canvas God is painting on.
The day of Christs Crucifixion looked like the Worst day ever if you were there.
But we look back and see that it was the greatest day ever for all of creation.
We have to remember when trouble comes, that God is in control.
Lets prepare for trouble

1. Embrace that there is a higher purpose how

2. Hope when trouble comes

3. Use it for His Glory

We need to stop lowering the power of God's word to the level of our experience. We need to raise the level of our experience to the power of God's word.

 This is a saved letter he sent to someone at some point in time, but I have no idea who it was:

 "To answer your question about why do bad things happen to good people is a wide question but I
Will try to answer you the best I can without addressing any specifics.

First we need to see who is the root of these things that happen

 Matthew 4
   1Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.

   2And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered.

   3And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.


So we see that the "tempter" is Satan and that he even tempted Jesus.
next lets look in

 James 1
13   Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempt he any man:
14But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.


So we see here that God does not tempt us, but we are tempted because of our own doing and the work of Satan.

Lets look another place where we can prove who the cause of our troubles are.

John 10:10 The thief comes to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

If our abundant life were only for heaven, how could the thief or "Satan" steal, kill, and destroy?
He cant this is talking about here and now. So we see that Satans Plan is to Kill us, Steal From us, and Destroy us.
But Christ has come to save and preserve us, to give us abundant life.

1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

This says that when we are tempted God will "make a way of escape" but we have to be serving God,  by reading his Word, and praying so we are use to being in communication with him, so we can hear him when he directs us to that way of escape.

Matthew 26:41
Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

So we see here that we need to be watching out for situations that might lead us into temptation and praying or being in communication with God on a regular basis to keep from temptation, but even so sometimes our flesh is weak and we do fall into it, When this happens we need to seek forgiveness  by Gods Grace.

We all know christian people with struggles, some even in very bad situations right now.
The word says in James 4:2 that we have not because we ask not.
we are also told in James 1 to ask in faith believing and doubt not.
What could be causing some Christians to be struggling?
many get their eyes on the mountain of need instead of what do i need right now. ( not using faith)
Others are also not a good steward of what they are given. ( wasteful and then want God to give more)
Some may not realize Satan has come to steal from them and destroy them, and they have been freed through Christ, and are just taking what Satan brings to them.
So we can see There are many reasons for the conditions we just described.
We are told in the Bible to cast all our cares on the Lord for he cares for us.
But quite often people don't do this they worry and fret over these things and don't have faith in what the Bible says.
When we don't have faith or trust that God will do what his Word says we are outside of faith and in fear.
Fear is the opposite of faith.
You may remember the guy named Job in the Bible and all the things that happened to him. many people only want to point out how Job continued to serve God even during all the bad things that happened, and some then want to blame God for the things that  happened, but if we look at the following verse we can see that Job was outside his faith in God and was in fear.
Job 3:25
For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

below we can see that we are to give all our cares, everything that matters to us to God

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your care upon him; for he cares for you.
Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
We see in Hebrews that when we don't have faith and trust God with our life and our cares that we can not please God
Can you see here these are ways we can let Satan get a foot hold in our life by not trusting God and being in Fear over things?

to put it simply, God works inside of Faith and Satan works inside of fear.

as i told you before the Bible says in Hosea 4:6
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

So if we don't have the Knowledge of God's word, we don't have the knowledge of his will, the knowledge of his promises, or the knowledge of the
authority we have to overcome the attacks Satan plans for us.
How do we get this knowledge?

2 Timothy 2:15 Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that need not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

We have to study the Word of God to attain the knowledge, then we believe, using our Faith in God to prevent us from being destroyed. "


It is devastating to know that the problem is me, but now I have an answer that allows for the sovereignty of God. I'm not sure how I even begin to accept this and keep going, At the time he was in the hospital I thought I was operating in Faith, but looking back I can see times when I was trying to be in faith, but obviously in fear. I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am. I wish I had been stronger for him.