I had an o.k. day today, even thought I woke up way too early. I had a lot of business to deal with. My to do list was pretty long and I finally got my hair colored. It's amazing how much you simply don't care about your hair in times like this.
I came home and my brother was working on the bathroom remodel that Steve didn't get to finish. I had a good talk with him and his girlfriend. People that have never lost a spouse to death just do not have the ability to comprehend what you are going through. That doesn't mean they don't care or they don't try; they just can't. My brother lost his wife when he was 24 years old, so he gets it ( I know what you're thinking; how in the world does this happen twice in one family). There are very few people my age who understand, and even fewer with my belief system who are close to my age. This is a very lonely process. As crazy as it sounds, it really helps to be able to talk to someone who has been there and experienced the exact same thoughts and regrets that I am experiencing right now. Everyone tells me there will be a time that it won't sting so much, but most of those people haven't lost a spouse. My brother is 19 years out and he said a day doesn't go by that he doesn't think of her STILL, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I really want to get to the point that I can remember Steve and just be happy that I had him; leaving all the regrets and what if's and questions in the past. I don't know how long it will take, but at least I have some hope that it may one day happen.
Sometimes, I think my questions are going to drive me insane.
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