Today, looking back, I was overwhelmed when I saw a bigger picture than I had seen before. He sent different people for different parts of my journey. Some were to help me get stronger and others were to help me see God and one was sent to help me do both.
I've always been a logical person who only let my heart take over in very limited circumstances. I'm sure that's why I always questioned things. I relied on Steve to help me find the right thing to do, if the line was blurry and I couldn't see it. After Steve died, I had to start developing trust in my own ability to hear from God and just let the logic go. So here's the story of how my complete surrender led me straight to the new chapter God is writing. You will have to look past any typos, I cannot do this without crying.
Everyone who knows me knows that I have been adamant that I am not dating again, I have been completely unwilling to risk the pain again. So, you all should know that it had to be God to even open my heart to the possibility.
God has been giving me dreams my whole life, I just didn't realize what they were until 2 years ago. I learned to write my dreams down because I often forgot them. I've read back over them several times and each time I see where another one has happened. It's amazing to me how God took my logical mind and found a way in.
Anyway, I had a dream about one of Steve's friends and I knew God wanted me to ask him where he was going to church. In my gut, I knew if I asked this man where he was going to church it was going to turn into him asking me out on a date; I just knew that is what was going to happen. There was nothing wrong with him, that I knew of; I just didn't want to date anyone. So, I fought it. I fought it for about a week before I finally gave in and asked where he was going to church.
He told me that he was wanting to go check out this specific church and asked if I wanted to go to with him sometime and I just said "let me get back to you on that." It made me nervous because that was how Steve and I started. Steve said he was going to visit a church on Sunday and asked if I wanted to go with him and see how it was. It was too much of a coincidence and kinda freaked me out.
A couple days later this guy asked me out on a date and I knew I was going to have to give him the whole story about why I wasn't dating anyone. I told him all of my reasons and he decided to address the issue of me feeling like it's not fair to ask another man to be o.k. with me still loving Steve. He said, "I would think there was something wrong if you didn't love him til the day you die." He told me he expected me to love Steve and he expected that years down the road I could be having a romantic evening with someone and a song or a smell would trigger a memory and I would fall apart AND THAT IS O.K. I was completely surprised that he had given it that much thought. Then he told me that he was not in any hurry and he just wanted to get to know me better. So we began a friendship; talking on the phone and texting. Within the first 3 days he was writing out his prayers for me and my kids and texting them to me at night. He was not overwhelmed at the situation and he continued to ask how Angel was doing with her blood sugars. He was very patient and he took the time to learn what was important to me; that spoke volumes to me.
When I told him that even if I ever got to the point of being ready to try dating, 2 of my 4 kids were not ready. His response was until your kids are comfortable, I won't even ask you out. I was amazed at how selfless he is. We continued talking via text and phone and it was a wonderful way to get to know each other. There was nothing superficial about it at all. Everything was just about getting to know someone and their priorities and values.
He knew he wasn't just waiting for my kids to be ready; he was waiting for me to be ready too. My logic kept trying to take over and find a million things wrong with it and then logic would take a back seat and my heart would tell me just leave it in God's hands. One day I just surrendered it all to God; I stopped asking God why and started asking him to reveal himself to me in every situation. I was having a tough day mentally and emotionally and my heart was warring with my mind. All I could do was pray for peace and revelation. It sounds so cliche, but the song Oceans came on the radio and that song holds a lot of meaning to me. I sat there crying and listening and it was like the veil was lifted and I could see that this relationship was designed by God. I was able to look at all of it and say, but God. If God purposes, calls, and anoints then all of my fears do not negate his plans. I am in still in awe at the way God wove our story together and this is just the beginning. I don't know where God plans to take this. It could be for a season or it could be for a lifetime. I know that I thought I understood complete surrender before, but I didn't. I get it now. Complete surrender doesn't mean that I have to settle for something less than the best. It means that God's plan doesn't always come when and how you think it will and you have to be willing to let go and trust. I didn't trust Joey at first because I didn't know him, but I trusted him faster that I ever expected I would because God continually reveals himself to me through Joey. His heart for me and my kids is unbelievable. His trust in God in something I long to have.
This is Joey. He's unbelievably funny and he completely adores me. He is one of the most selfless people I have ever met.
He even met with Adison to make sure he was o.k. with us dating. Maybe someday, he will write his own side of this story and I'll publish it here on the blog for you. Fair warning, he's incredibly romantic so you just might get sick of us.
