What is God doing?

I've been following Chonda Pierce on facebook for a long time, but I started to watch more closely when her husband went into the hospital a few weeks ago. She has over 270,000 people following her on facebook alone, so I'm thinking even if just half of those people are praying for her husband that's amazing. I found myself telling God that I still don't understand why he didn't save my husband, but if He really wanted people to take notice or to bring glory to Himself then healing David Pierce would surely do that. After all over 270,000 people were watching.

Again, I'm wrong! Over 270,000 people watched as Chonda Pierce stood on faith and prayed for her husband and then he died.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOD IS DOING. Obviously, it doesn't matter to Him that I would like an explanation. Terrorists kill Christians and people that do horrible things live to grow old, but good people; people who trust God, are dying too young. Israel is fighting to survive, planes are being shot out of the sky; HELLLOOOOO, God, do you not see what's happening on planet earth? Now is as good a time as any in the past to show yourself.

I've met quite a few widows since Steve passed away. When I come across a woman who has just started this journey, I usually just keep my mouth shut because I know that there are no words that will help. I still cannot fathom that I will ever be "happy"again. There are moments of joy, but a lifetime of happiness is what I thought I would have. So, I'm in no position to give advice I'm still full of questions and regrets. I still start to have a panic attack if I go into a medical facility. I still don't understand anything. So here I am, still expecting God to do something I can understand, which is apparently ridiculous of me. Frustrated!

10 months 6 days

I don't even know where to begin. Every stage right now is uncharted territory for me, so I ALWAYS feel like I'm in a strange place. Nothing feels right.

 I had been pretty stable emotionally lately; meaning I'm not falling apart at the drop of a hat. Until this past week...

I'm finding that I'm not as patient with people's petty crap anymore.  I can't deal with the negativity between people. I keep comparing the importance of everything to what I had. If you are still married to the love of your life and you get to be with them, then forget all the petty, negative garbage.

Things beyond my control are happening around me and I'm not dealing with them well. Within a few days of a death most people (not family) have gone one with their lives; within a few months all those people expect that I have figured out how to go on with mine too. Am I ever going to figure it out? I don't know.
People say or do things with no intention of hurting me at all; they are just less sensitive now and don't think. I'm not mad about it and I typically just forget about it. However, this brings about some difficult feelings for me to process. I have always just done whatever people wanted and gone along with what was expected. Steve always protected me in these situations. Now, I have to figure our how to protect me. There are certain things I just know I cannot deal with; It's like pouring salt in an open wound. I'm afraid, I'm going to end up hurting people close to me because sometimes the process of trying to heal and protect myself means I can't do what is expected anymore.

Beauty and Pain

I'm still stuck in this wave; grieving the loss of who Steve was to me. No one could ever accuse me of being a feminist because I miss how he made me feel like his prized possession. He was not possessive; he let me do whatever I wanted, but he made it known that I was his. I was safe as long as I was with him.

I miss the way he protected me; not just physically but emotionally. He knew how to help me. It is an amazing thing when you are so in sync with someone that they know what your heart means, even when your words say something different. We truly were ONE!

It's unbelievable how some things will take me by surprise and be almost impossible for me to do. Yesterday was really hard for me. I don't even think it was the fact that we weren't doing our annual tradition that got to me, it was that I was going to spend time with other family members and he wasn't there. Complete emptiness where there was once presence. 

It's both beautiful and painful to have loved and been loved like that.