Here I am, 22 months later and I'm no longer living every breath of every day in that place of pain. I have allowed myself to be present in every step of the grief process; every agonizing second of it. More importantly, I am aware that it will never end. The part of the marriage vow that says "til death do us part" is a vow I will keep til the day I die. He parted from US and this life first, but my love for him will remain until I part from this life as well and because of that, the pain will never come to an end.
The pain doesn't end, but it changes. Everything changes! In the beginning I couldn't even comprehend the idea of living without him. I was not suicidal, but I would have been lying if I said I didn't want to die. It took a long time to get to a point where I actually wanted to live; being awake is finally better than being asleep. The time table is different for everyone, but it took me about 18 or 19 months to decide to live without him. People kept asking me if I was stuck in my grief because it would make me feel guilty to be happy. No, I wasn't. I never felt guilty on the good days. Steve always wanted me to be happy. Not like the typical, "I want you to be happy" I mean he sincerely looked for ways to make me happy. He studied me until he knew me better than I knew me. So, I never feel guilty when I'm happy. It just really did take that long for me to be able to feel anything other than sad.
For the last few months, I've truly been happy again. I never thought it would be possible to get here, but I've made it. I am not naive enough to think there won't be setbacks at times, but I'm optimistic enough to realize that I've worked very hard to get to where I am and I'm not letting go.
I guess that is why I haven't been writing much.. Unlike the painful state of mind, when I'm happy, my heart and thoughts are guarded. Writing becomes more about watching what I say so I do not offend anyone rather than being transparent with what I feel. I'm working on this issue.
There are still some things I can't do because the memories are too painful, but I have made some strides. I went to a memorial service for the first time since Steve's death. That was huge for me. The deceased was a friend of Joey's and I went to support him, but I didn't realize that almost everyone at the memorial also knew Steve. It should have crossed my mind because Joey and Steve went to school together, but it didn't. Five months ago, I could never have walked into a memorial service. Not only did I do it a week ago, but I also talked to strangers that knew Steve before I did. Imagine that, ME in a room full of strangers, at a memorial service, talking to people about him. I said all of that not to be dramatic, but I want you have to a mental picture. After you have imagined it and you realize how incredibly anxious I was, you will understand how good Joey is to me. He stood right next to me with his hand on my back or holding my hand through all of it. He was making sure I was o.k. when I was supposed to be there supporting him.
I also just had to watch someone very close to me go through a lot of heart testing and cardiac catheter at the exact same hospital Steve was in when they did his cardiac cath. I have been in that hospital since Steve's death, but not in the cardiac department. The thought of sitting in that same waiting room was daunting. I kept imagining that day, my birthday, when we were just sitting there waiting for the doctor to come out and tell us everything looks good. Instead, he came out and informed me that he couldn't even believe my husband was alive and he was in critical condition waiting to stabilize before they transported him to a heart transplant hospital. Thankfully, this time, we were allowed to sit in another room and everything went well .There have been a lot of steps forward for me; there have been a few steps backwards too.
There is a point in time when I started to realize who I was and what I wanted. That meant the ending and changing of some friendships. I thoroughly believe that most of humanity lives up to what people believe about them. It works the same with both the positive and the negative A child will believe they are smart, if you tell them they are smart. As adults we don't want to think that we put that much weight into what other people think, but we do; especially when we are vulnerable. I got to the point that having friendships with people who saw the world negatively caused me to be hurt and angry most of the time and I don't need that. I needed positive people in my life. I had a friend who was just a generally negative person and never seemed happy or satisfied with anything I did. This particular friend was actually discouraging my law school efforts so much that I began to question my choices. I ended that friendship when I realized what it was doing to me. On the opposite end of the spectrum, even back when Joey and I were just friends, he saw positive things in me that I didn't see in myself and he consistently told me those things. It took a little while, but I eventually started to believe him. Nothing in this physical world compares to the happiness and satisfaction you feel when the people you love believe in you and the choices you make.
If you don't believe me, try it. For the next couple weeks, tell someone the positive things you see in them and watch how they act when they start to believe you. We all want to live up to the potential other people see in us. You have the ability to change lives by the way you make people feel, use your powers wisely.
