Secondary Loss

Secondary losses are losses that you experience beyond the loss of your loved one through death or divorce. 

As we celebrated his life at his memorial service two years ago today, I never thought I would survive this long. 

At first, I was so overwhelmed by the loss of Steve, that I didn't understand the gravity of everything else I had lost. It doesn't take too long until it all hit me. As if losing my husband and best friend was not enough, I lost my identity as well.

I went from being someone who only needed to help make decisions to the only person being relied on.

I wasn't built for this. People have been telling me for 2 years how strong I am, and all I can think of is how weak I am. If they could see what goes on in my head, they would never even consider saying I'm strong. 

I wasn't built to lead; at the core of me is a strong desire to HELP make life better for other people. I have no desire to lead anyone,  let alone myself.

People think that just because I am in Law School I must be a leader, not all lawyers are like that. Again, my passion for law is there because I desire to HELP people that need help.

I'm sure there are many women out there that are wonderful leaders and love it. I'm happy they are happy. I, however, do not love being the only one responsible for everyone and everything in my house. I hate being the only one making all the decisions. I do not like that my daughters have watched me struggle to figure out how to do all of this stuff I wasn't supposed to do alone. I completely understand that some people will view it as a good thing for my daughters to see me survive, but that is never what I wanted for them. I wanted them to grow up seeing me be who I was designed to be, not who circumstances forced me to be. 

The Hebrew word for woman in the bible is also the same word used for wife and it means "helpmate". All these years I have been a help mate and I absolutely loved that. 

If you have ever survived the death of a spouse or been divorced you may understand my position. When we are no longer a spouse, our roles in life change. If it is due to death or a contested divorce, we didn't have a choice in the role change and it really feel like who we are has been stolen.

Something as simple as picking a hotel room, a dentist, or a doctor has become a major issue for me. Most of the time I just want to throw the computer and run away because I'm tired of always having to make these decisions alone.

I miss who I used to be. I miss everything I was to him. The role I played in his life and being that important to him.  I'm just spiritually, physically, and emotionally tired of having to be someone I'm not.

. 

2 years

I had a few nightmares last night and then when I opened my eyes this morning, my first thought was how soon can I take a nap. Facing today has been an issue at the forefront of my mind for a couple of weeks now. Less than a month ago, I had an unexpected surgery at the same hospital Steve was in when they told me he was not even stable enough to transport. I was home for a little more than a week and then Joey's son had a planned surgery. So, we spent 4 days in a hospital at the beginning of September. He is recovering well. On the bright side, I don't have a panic attack every time I walk in a hospital now.

People have asked me why I don't write as much as I used to. It's because I do not feel like I have anything new to say. All of the things  I have written are all still things I deal with. There is really only one issue, I haven't talked a lot about and that is only because I wasn't really sure what it was until recently. 

Anxiety.  I'm sure some of it was there before Steve's death and it just wasn't bad enough to recognize until lately. It shows up in every thing now. At first I just had flashbacks of the CPR and them shocking him, then I felt the chest pain and panic attacks. Now, I deal mainly with self doubt, regrets, and worry. I always feel like I'm screwing something up. There is often an ominous feeling like something or someone else I love is going to disappear. People with anxiety need reassurance (from everyone in our lives) like they need oxygen, which poses another problem; we need the reassurance, but we also seriously feel like we are a burden and seriously do not want to burden anyone so we pretend everything is fine and no one knows. This cycle leads to a lot of  loneliness and overthinking.

The regrets never go away; I can find a way to put them in the back of my mind for a little while, but they resurface frequently. The regrets of the past fuel my future. I see everything differently now; my priorities have definitely changed. Not that Steve wasn't my main priority, but if I had it all to do over again, I would have done some things differently. Less than two months before he died he wanted to go on a short family trip, but I was worried about money. You have no idea how much I wish I had the memories of that trip; the pictures of him and the girls on that trip would be incredible. There are many things I would change; at the time everyday life is happening, you always feel like you need to other things. In the end, the only thing you will want to remember is the time you spent loving someone