Top 10

Merry Christmas! This is not going to be a cheery message, but it is one that needs to be given. Not everyone had a wonderful day today and we need to be mindful of those people. We cannot let ourselves forget about the widow and the orphan, the homeless, the less fortunate, etc.

A week ago, two of my friends began the tragic journey through the grief of losing the love of your life. One of them was a man married to a High School friend of mine, Laura. They had just suffered a miscarriage and then she was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer and died about a week later. They had no living children. The other was a man who had beat cancer twice, but the side effects of the transplant eventually killed him. He left behind my friend, Brianna, and their four children. It's impossible, now, for me to hear about someone losing their spouse and not immediately go back to how I felt in those first few minutes, days, and months. I have not figured any of this out, but I understand the pain. I cannot lessen the pain for them, but I think I can offer some insight to those watching them suffer and have no idea what to do. If you REALLY want to help, here are some tips:

1. Pray for them. In the moments of my greatest depression and doubt, I found comfort knowing that there were people out there who cared enough to pray me through it.

2. Be there. A lot of people say "let me know if you need anything" which is understandable. You don't know what to say or do. But, a new widow is struggling to put one foot in front of the other, struggling just to breathe; they can't tell you what they need. I had ONE friend who called me or texted me EVERY DAY for almost a year. ONE! Thankfully, she was one I could be real with.  When life got hairy for her, another friend showed up about 16 months in and checked on me every day. There were other people who periodically popped in. But, a person grieving this deeply needs a connection with at least one person every day. There is no time frame to how long they will need someone available to talk. Some days they will be very closed off and not talk, other days they will scream and yell.

3. Be o.k. with just being there and not knowing what to say. I was looking for someone to talk to especially about the deep things. I didn't need someone to judge me and tell me I was wrong. I needed someone to accept my doubt and understand that everything in life was now impossible for one person to deal with. This is not the time to be a judgmental christian. This is the time when people are searching for hope, not damnation.

4.Financial stability. Some people have life insurance policies that will help cover costs. Most of us do not. If friends and family had not rallied together to help us I would have lost the house and wouldn't have been able to afford to bury my husband or buy a headstone.

5. Help them remember to pay bills, eat, buy basic items. It's called widow fog; it happens to all of us. We feel like we are losing our minds because we can't remember anything.  I had the money to pay the water bill, I just forgot to pay it, until they shut it off.

6. Balance. There is a delicate balance between allowing a widow time to grieve alone and not leaving a widow alone so much that they get depressed. It's tough to figure out, but if you pay close enough attention you will see the signs of what he/she needs. They need to be able to fall apart without their kids seeing it, yet they need their kids to give them some reason to keep going. They need to cry alone, yet they need you sitting there to tell them they aren't alone and it's normal.

7. Take your cues. A widow will go through so many different emotions in one day and sometimes a million emotions at one time. Sometimes they will want to talk about their spouse and remember the good times, other times they would prefer that no one mentions him because they know that 'right now' they just can't hold it together. The best way to handle this is listen to them talk. If they are talking about him then it's safe for you to, if they aren't, then maybe you should wait. This also goes for pictures, some widows want tons of pictures around. Some do not want any at all. It was too painful for me to see pictures for a long time.

8. Profile pictures. Many people will change their profile pictures to one of the deceased pictures or they will go back through the deceased facebook posts and pictures and like them. Guess what? that shows up and their widow has a minor tachycardia event because it looks like her husband is posting from beyond. I know this is something that most people do not even think about, don't feel bad. Just consider waiting until the initial shock has had time to set in before doing these things. It's wonderful for us to know the impact our spouse had on the world, but it is a little much to deal with at first.

9. Handyman stuff. It's almost a scientific fact that when a man dies, everything in his wife's life falls apart. The house starts leaking and the cars break. Basic things like cutting the grass need done and he was the only one who knew how to start the rigged lawnmower. Help her out.

10. Help keep things as normal as possible for the kids. I was reminded of this again today. My kids have always gone shopping with me for his Christmas stuff from them and he took them shopping so they could buy me what they wanted. They are not old enough to drive, so they can't go out an shop for me on their own.  They wanted to surprise me on my birthday and then again today, on Christmas,  and didn't have the chance to do it. I didn't even think about asking someone to take them.
We also use to bake pies every year and this year was so busy, I just bought pie. That was a bad idea. The pie tasted just fine, but I messed up another tradition for them. They lost their Dad, the least we can all do is attempt to keep everything else as normal as possible.

There are no time frames on grief or how long a widow will need your help. They will feel like they are in your way, so they will pull away. They will feel like a third wheel to their married friends and quite honestly it will hurt, VERY BADLY, to see other couples happy and living life, so they may retreat from married friends for  awhile. Don't get your feelings hurt, imagine what he or she is going through and be patient. No matter how much they pull away, DO NOT WALK AWAY.

Life is fragile..Handle with care.

Brianna's Story: https://www.gofundme.com/m8bqj5ec

Laura's Story: https://www.gofundme.com/zse476sy

20 Year Anniversary December 9, 2015

Today, Steve and I would have been married for 20 years. We were supposed to renew our vows today; he actually came up with the plan somewhere around our 12 year anniversary. I've reflected a lot on our marriage and who we were together. Those are things that you often don't spend a lot of time dwelling on while you are in the middle of them. Once it is gone, you think about it a lot. Our life together was God designed and it was absolutely beautiful. I probably don't need to re-hash most of the things already disclosed in this blog. Everyone knows the first few years were a little rough, but then we found our stride.

I was an immature child when I married Steve; I grew up being his wife and the mother to our kids. He was exactly what I need and everything I wanted, which has made letting him go an almost impossible task. Once you have what we had, losing it is a pain that I really couldn't see ever getting any better. There have been so many days that I was disappointed when I woke up alive. I knew my kids needed me, but they needed him too and most of the time it felt like I needed to be where he was more than anyone needed the shell of what I had become. I don't really know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I woke up and I was o.k. with being alive and then one day I woke up and I was happy to be alive. It takes a while to get there and to be completely honest there are relapse days, but not near as many as there used to be.

I can talk about Steve and our life without crying all the time, which is good. Unfortunately, now that I have let myself heal from some of the pain, Steve seems more distant than he was, but I'm pretty sure that is how it goes.

I finally went to the grave site today...

Today has been horrible, I woke up with the feeling that I just needed to stay in bed all day. Life is extremely stressful right now. It's finals time and I'm preparing my house to sell, so we can move. Everyone told me to wait one to two years before I made any huge decisions. It's been two years and I still want to move out of this house. There are some things that are just too hard. Some places I still have a tough time going to. It is only because we had such good times in those places, I can't go back there without experiencing an overwhelming about of sadness. So, I do my best to avoid them. I look at this house and in almost every room of this house we made a huge change. We remodeled so much of it together and it's hard to look at it every day.

Anyway, back to today. I finally got up and studied for my Wills, Trusts, and Estates exam and it just felt wrong. This is supposed to be my 20 year anniversary and I'm trying to study, but I can't concentrate because today was supposed to be so different. So, I went to the grave. I've been avoiding that place for 27 months. I've tried to imagine me going and it never works out good in my head. People have encouraged me to go thinking it will help somehow.

I really don't know if it helped or hurt or did anything for me. Knowing that everything we were, everything we had, is in a box in the ground with a headstone on it doesn't make me feel any better. But, I already knew that anyway, so it really didn't make it any worse. Now, I just have a mental picture of the space where my husband and my former life are buried. The source of pain comes from knowing what I lost, not from knowing where it is. I know where he is and I know he is happy, even without me. That box in the ground only holds the body he wore, but it represents so much more for me; 18 years of life and love and memories and becoming everything we were together is also in that box in the ground.

A while ago, I came to the point of being able to keep moving instead of standing still because I finally understood that he is still living (in heaven, I'm not crazy) and he's happy with where he is. He still experiences joy and happiness, he doesn't need me anymore. The grief still exists and I will always love him and miss him; I will always wonder why. I've let myself grieve his death and I've let myself grieve the loss of who I was and who we were. Going to the grave seemed like the right thing to do on what should have been our 20 year anniversary. I also wanted to know if I would experience some unexpected feeling that I hadn't allowed myself to feel yet; I didn't. I felt the same things I have felt for 27 months: anger, sadness, pain, and regret. Nothing can be done about the anger, sadness and pain, they just have to come and go as they will, but I have learned a lot from the regret. I can use the regret to make me a better person from here on out.

Regret is a powerful teacher 

Happy Thanksgiving. Two years later

Happy Thanksgiving! Savor the day...I never would have imagined that Thanksgiving 2012 would be the last Thanksgiving I would remember for years to come. Continuing to live is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I'm starting to find the new normal everyone told me about.
Life is certainly different now, but I'm in a better place than I was last year at this time. I was reflecting yesterday that I do not even remember the last two holiday seasons. It's incredible what the mind blocks out.
I'm thankful for the family I have and Joey's family that is quickly becoming family to me as well. I'll also repeat what I said Thanksgiving 2012; right after Steve died: " I am grateful for people who purpose to pray for us. I read another blog that said it so perfectly, "Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out." It is exactly like that. There are people that I have never even met or some I haven't seen in years that text or facebook message me just to let me know they are praying; that means more than I can ever say."

It is still exactly like that!

What's The Difference?

Many people talk about Chapter 2 love being different, but what is the difference? There are a lot of differences, but the most obvious difference is that you LOVE HARDER. There is an awareness you never had before of how easily this can all be taken, so you do much more than you ever thought of doing before to preserve it. You also really do learn not to sweat the small stuff. Maybe it's because you are so much more aware of what the big stuff is. You become very intentional.

It’s no secret that I, like many widows, live my life through a lens of regret now. That perspective shapes everything in the present and future. I do not make one single decision anymore without thinking about what regrets I might have later. It could be classified as fear, but I think of it more as a past experience I never want to repeat. We will all die, it’s inevitable; but, if you have to outlive those closest to you, minimize the regrets.

I want my life to prove to everyone who knows me that school is important and work is important, but NOTHING is as important as the people I love.  I would give up everything I want in life to make them happy.

I was thinking about a conversation Steve and I had in which I thought he may need a medical device and he didn’t want it. His basic position was that it would reduce his quality of life for two reasons, 1. He couldn’t easily snuggle up to me at night. 2. He wouldn’t be able to sleep. My position was that if he needed it and didn’t get it then his quantity of life may be shortened. Now, I really don’t know if him not having it had anything at all to do with the outcome; probably not. There is also the possibility that the device could have improved the quality of his life too, I don’t know. The point is that Steve felt like it was a quality of life issue and it was quality of life versus quantity of life, he was all about QUALITY. I spent a lot of time trying to increase quantity of life and it didn’t work. * In hindsight, I can see that quality trumps quantity. Length of life is definitely important, but happiness is MOST important.

I often took for granted that Steve knew how much I loved him and wanted to be with him.  Now, I wish I could look back and think of all the times I intentionally proved my love to him.

The biggest difference between past and present is that now I try to intentionally make love my highest priority.

 *I’m not advocating for anyone to stop using medications and medical devices. 

Secondary Loss

Secondary losses are losses that you experience beyond the loss of your loved one through death or divorce. 

As we celebrated his life at his memorial service two years ago today, I never thought I would survive this long. 

At first, I was so overwhelmed by the loss of Steve, that I didn't understand the gravity of everything else I had lost. It doesn't take too long until it all hit me. As if losing my husband and best friend was not enough, I lost my identity as well.

I went from being someone who only needed to help make decisions to the only person being relied on.

I wasn't built for this. People have been telling me for 2 years how strong I am, and all I can think of is how weak I am. If they could see what goes on in my head, they would never even consider saying I'm strong. 

I wasn't built to lead; at the core of me is a strong desire to HELP make life better for other people. I have no desire to lead anyone,  let alone myself.

People think that just because I am in Law School I must be a leader, not all lawyers are like that. Again, my passion for law is there because I desire to HELP people that need help.

I'm sure there are many women out there that are wonderful leaders and love it. I'm happy they are happy. I, however, do not love being the only one responsible for everyone and everything in my house. I hate being the only one making all the decisions. I do not like that my daughters have watched me struggle to figure out how to do all of this stuff I wasn't supposed to do alone. I completely understand that some people will view it as a good thing for my daughters to see me survive, but that is never what I wanted for them. I wanted them to grow up seeing me be who I was designed to be, not who circumstances forced me to be. 

The Hebrew word for woman in the bible is also the same word used for wife and it means "helpmate". All these years I have been a help mate and I absolutely loved that. 

If you have ever survived the death of a spouse or been divorced you may understand my position. When we are no longer a spouse, our roles in life change. If it is due to death or a contested divorce, we didn't have a choice in the role change and it really feel like who we are has been stolen.

Something as simple as picking a hotel room, a dentist, or a doctor has become a major issue for me. Most of the time I just want to throw the computer and run away because I'm tired of always having to make these decisions alone.

I miss who I used to be. I miss everything I was to him. The role I played in his life and being that important to him.  I'm just spiritually, physically, and emotionally tired of having to be someone I'm not.

. 

2 years

I had a few nightmares last night and then when I opened my eyes this morning, my first thought was how soon can I take a nap. Facing today has been an issue at the forefront of my mind for a couple of weeks now. Less than a month ago, I had an unexpected surgery at the same hospital Steve was in when they told me he was not even stable enough to transport. I was home for a little more than a week and then Joey's son had a planned surgery. So, we spent 4 days in a hospital at the beginning of September. He is recovering well. On the bright side, I don't have a panic attack every time I walk in a hospital now.

People have asked me why I don't write as much as I used to. It's because I do not feel like I have anything new to say. All of the things  I have written are all still things I deal with. There is really only one issue, I haven't talked a lot about and that is only because I wasn't really sure what it was until recently. 

Anxiety.  I'm sure some of it was there before Steve's death and it just wasn't bad enough to recognize until lately. It shows up in every thing now. At first I just had flashbacks of the CPR and them shocking him, then I felt the chest pain and panic attacks. Now, I deal mainly with self doubt, regrets, and worry. I always feel like I'm screwing something up. There is often an ominous feeling like something or someone else I love is going to disappear. People with anxiety need reassurance (from everyone in our lives) like they need oxygen, which poses another problem; we need the reassurance, but we also seriously feel like we are a burden and seriously do not want to burden anyone so we pretend everything is fine and no one knows. This cycle leads to a lot of  loneliness and overthinking.

The regrets never go away; I can find a way to put them in the back of my mind for a little while, but they resurface frequently. The regrets of the past fuel my future. I see everything differently now; my priorities have definitely changed. Not that Steve wasn't my main priority, but if I had it all to do over again, I would have done some things differently. Less than two months before he died he wanted to go on a short family trip, but I was worried about money. You have no idea how much I wish I had the memories of that trip; the pictures of him and the girls on that trip would be incredible. There are many things I would change; at the time everyday life is happening, you always feel like you need to other things. In the end, the only thing you will want to remember is the time you spent loving someone

Silence still hurts

Again, I'm realizing another thing I thought I had worked through. Apparently, as busy as my I try to keep my life and as much as I have continued to live, I still don't like silence.  I've enjoyed background noise all my life. I don't like loud, obnoxious noise, but I want to hear people talking. Maybe it makes me feel less alone, I don't really know. Silence is not just an inconvenience for me, it's so much more than that.

Early in the morning on Tuesday, I had to go to the hospital because I was experiencing a lot of abdominal pain. I'm not a big advocate of pain medicine, but I was that day for sure. They got the IV in and gave me the first shot of dilaudid; that dulled the pain for about 10 minutes. They came in and gave me another dose that only lasted for about 10 minutes. Finally, she came in and doubled the dose; I'm not sure how long it worked, but it wasn't very long. When they came back again, they told me they couldn't give me any more because it was going to send me into respiratory distress. I had to wait two hours.

My son, and two of my daughters were there in the room from the beginning. I know they were there because they drove me up there but, the dilaudid had me very out of it. I could still feel the pain, but I was having vivid dreams at times. I don't remember my kids talking, but I saw Steve; maybe I will be able to go into that more another time. I was amazed at how completely out of it I was. I was aware enough to talk to people periodically, but zoned out enough to not care about anything.

I remember thinking about Steve when the nurse told me they couldn't give me anymore dilaudid because it would send me into respiratory distress. I was thinking no one seemed too concerned about doing that to Steve. He was on way more of it than I was and within the hour he died, the nurse had given him an extra dose of dilaudid.

After I woke up from surgery I was thinking, now I have some small idea of the medication high Steve was on. I had never been in the hospital for anything before. Now, I understood that Steve really had no realization of what was happening around him and he certainly didn't have a choice. Which leads me to a hundred other questions about what I should have done, but that is beside the point. That night, the next day, and in the days since after everyone has gone back to work and everything, I've had a LOT of time alone to think...

I've realized that I still hate silence. I still can't deal with it. Silence depresses me and causes me to overthink things. It's seems like such a huge setback to look back at how far you thought you had come and realize you haven't even really taken a step. Some days the thought of the fact that you have spent almost 2 years trying to work yourself through something like this and you still can't deal with something as simple as silence makes you question your ability to be able to do anything more than merely survive, EVER.

Reader Beware, I'm on a soap box!

I'm sitting here thinking about the first moments after finding out Steve had died. Why am I doing that? Because two people that I'm close to have lost people they are close to this weekend. One of the deceased was in his mid 80's and took care of himself; the other was in their mid 40's with a small child and didn't take care of themselves. The pain of losing them is similar, but the SHOCK of losing someone in their mid 40's is most often preventable

Do not for one second think that the shock is not every bit as hard to deal with as the pain. The shock is another layer of grief; it's more like another MOUNTAIN to climb and fall in the grief process. Everyone has a story and I understand that knowing the end is near is not any kind of relief. However, I can only speak from my experience and my that comes from completely unexpected loss. I'm only qualified to speak from the place of a woman who lost her 44 year old husband SUDDENLY.

Let me start by saying that I do not blame him. Neither one of us understood the gravity of his health issues. He was a strong man that seemed invincible and we had no clue what we were dealing with.

I'm writing this to hopefully make someone out there try a little harder to stick around for your wife (or husband), and kids.

Steve had high blood pressure (not constant) from his early 20's. He was diagnosed with Diabetes in his late 20's and he developed high cholesterol in his 30's. His eating habits were not really all that bad, but he had a hard time saying no to pie and chocolate shakes (most people have a hard time saying no to these things). He smoked off and on from the ages of 18 - 31. He never had any indication that there was a heart problem, NONE. When we showed up at the hospital we thought he was having an asthma attack and maybe pneumonia. We were completely SHOCKED when they said "you've had a massive heart attack that has damaged your heart muscle to the point that only 1/3 of it is functioning." How is it even possible that someone can have a heart attack that damages their heart that much and not even know it.

Knowing what I know now, I should have known it was coming. Steve's health was not good. He looked amazing, he didn't look like an unhealthy person at all. Looks are more deceiving than I ever knew. What no one could see was that uncontrolled diabetes was turning the inside of his arteries in to jelly which was causing plaque from the high cholesterol to be able to accumulate in massive amounts in his heart.

If you have chronic health issues like High blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc it does not matter how great you look on the outside, all of these diseases are slowly killing you on the inside. Here is my PSA; this is what I feel like I have earned the qualifications to say: Get off your ass and fix it. If you are overweight, work on it. SERIOUSLY, don't just talk about it. If you have High blood pressure take the meds (either prescription or holistic) while you start an exercise program to bring your blood pressure down. If you have diabetes, do the research to learn what you need to know and learn how your body reacts to everything you eat. Keep a log and work on keeping your blood sugar down. STOP doing things that are going to kill you.

Steve was one of the most unselfish people I have ever known, so understand that I am not blaming him. We had know idea what all of this was doing to him internally. BUT, now I know and now YOU know. You don't have an excuse anymore. Once you know, you have to act. It doesn't matter what your excuse is or what your disease is, you have to fight it. Make a list of things that need to change so you can live longer and then prioritize. Your spouse and kids are more important than whatever excuse you can find not to change. If you have spent any amount of time reading my previous blog posts, you know the devastation I have felt. You have to be aware of the months that I spent wishing I could just die too. You have the power to delay your loved one from feeling this and I'd say you are pretty selfish if you don't do everything you can to prevent it. Obviously, people can die unexpectedly in car wrecks and other accidental ways, but statistically only 5% of deaths in American are accidents.
If you love someone, you should be willing to do whatever you can to keep them from having to feel the pain of your death. 

23 Months and the demon named Fear

I have survived 23 months and I really thought that I had experienced all the stages of grief. I am fully aware that it is not a straight line to walk, but after 23 months you would think that there would be no more surprises. What I've discovered is that every time I experience a feeling for the first time without him, I walk back through all the stages again. The pain gets overwhelming, it becomes hard to breathe, and I wonder how I'm going to survive all over again.

I can't speak for anyone else's experiences, but it seems that most widows have gone through similar things. I had continual dreams about Steve from shortly after he died until this past May. Even though he is not here, I still felt connected to him; it FELT like part of him was here.  I do not believe that his spirit is on earth, that is not at all what I'm saying. I KNOW this was just me feeling connected to him. After the dream I had in May, it felt like he left me.

I didn't dream about him again until a few days ago. The last few dreams (for the past 6 months) I've had about him have been pretty heartbreaking; usually, he is alive & just doesn't want to be with me anymore. That is a pain unlike any I have experienced throughout this whole thing.  The chain of emotions that have been set off recently are ridiculous.

I NEVER doubted Steve's love for me, but throw a few stupid dreams in the mix and doubts come flooding in. Most of the time when you dream about someone you love doing something out of the ordinary, you can wake up and see them. You can reassure yourself that it was just a dream. I don't have that option anymore, there will never be another moment where he can tell me "it was just a dream." Just his presence used to give me a sense of security, that no longer exists. I wake up and I'm left with questions and doubts and insecurity.

So, I found myself moving into anger recently and it's not angry at God anymore. I've been angry with Steve. It's crazy, because in my head, I know he didn't choose to leave me, but my heart cannot reconcile how he could have done this. How could he have shared so many years with me, made me feel loved and wanted, built this life and then left me alone. He was my best friend and biggest supporter; he shouldn't have left me to figure out how to do life without him.

And then there is my new relationship.... Some people don't understand how I can feel such deep  love for Steve and develop a new love with Joey. It's not the same relationship and navigating the emotions is not easy sometimes. I struggle with GUILT of moving on versus the reality that I have to keep living. I struggle with the FEAR that I may have to go through the pain of losing someone I LOVE this much again. The nightmares I've had that Steve has decided he doesn't want to be with me, have me dealing with some major INSECURITIES. All of these things have me angry. If Steve hadn't died I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Then there is the guilt I feel that Joey has to deal with the repercussions of a woman who has LOST her husband. I know he says he understands and he can deal with it, but it is not FAIR to him. Why should Joey have to "love me louder today" because of my insecurities? He shouldn't have to, but he does it anyway.

In the end, I'm not really angry with Steve; I thought I was. I'm more angry with myself. Why did I find so much self worth in him? Why have I felt so worthless since he's been gone? I thought it was good thing to be so connected to him, but the devastation that kind of connection causes is relentless.

It almost makes me wish for amnesia, but for some reason we were designed to feel that connection. I don't know why God does the things he does, but no matter how hard I have tried, I can't change his mind. We still have the ability to make our own choices and the biggest choice I've had lately is to let the FEAR control me or take a leap of faith and believe in LOVE again. Let me tell you that even when you make a decision to side with Love, fear doesn't go away. Sometimes fear is a demon I only have to fight periodically, lately I've fought him daily; maybe even hourly. Someday, I'll be strong enough to beat him. 

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

Music has a way of connecting people through emotion. Sometimes it is good emotion, but a lot of times the worst pain can only be expressed through music. Danny Gokey was a worship leader whose wife died from complications of a routine heart surgery. I found inspiration in his book, Hope In Front of Me and most of his music has been a very realistic depiction of my feelings.

"Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" is a great song; it tells the story of where I've been, but more importantly where I am. "Beginning, just let that word wash over you. It’s alright now, Love’s healing hands have pulled you through. So get back up take step one. Leave the darkness feel the sun Cause your story’s far from over and your journey’s just begun"

You’re shattered
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up take step one
Leave the darkness feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Make Them Feel!

For some reason, I'm feeling pressure to write lately, but I'm unsure what to write about. To be honest, 98% of everything I've written on this blog came from a place of pain so deep that I could not control the words I typed. I've always been pretty good at controlling my emotions, but when Steve died, the pain held my thoughts and my heart hostage, which is why this blog was started. A thousand tears fell for every word typed on this blog. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I usually write through pain, and I'm in a different stage of the process now.

Here I am, 22 months later and I'm no longer living every breath of every day in that place of pain. I have allowed myself to be present in every step of the grief process; every agonizing second of it. More importantly, I am aware that it will never end. The part of the marriage vow that says "til death do us part" is a vow I will keep til the day I die. He parted from US and this life first, but my love for him will remain until I part from this life as well and because of that, the pain will never come to an end.

The pain doesn't end, but it changes. Everything changes! In the beginning I couldn't even comprehend the idea of living without him. I was not suicidal, but I would have been lying if I said I didn't want to die. It took a long time to get to a point where I actually wanted to live; being awake is finally better than being asleep. The time table is different for everyone, but it took me about 18 or 19 months to decide to live without him.  People kept asking me if I was stuck in my grief because it would make me feel guilty to be happy. No, I wasn't. I never felt guilty on the good days. Steve always wanted me to be happy. Not like the typical, "I want you to be happy" I mean he sincerely looked for ways to make me happy. He studied me until he knew me better than I knew me. So, I never feel guilty when I'm happy. It just really did take that long for me to be able to feel anything other than sad.

For the last few months, I've truly been happy again. I never thought it would be possible to get here, but I've made it. I am not naive enough to think there won't be setbacks at times, but I'm optimistic enough to realize that I've worked very hard to get to where I am and I'm not letting go.

I guess that is why I haven't been writing much.. Unlike the painful state of mind, when I'm happy, my heart and thoughts are guarded. Writing becomes more about watching what I say so I do not offend anyone rather than being transparent with what I feel. I'm working on this issue.

There are still some things I can't do because the memories are too painful, but I have made some strides. I went to a memorial service for the first time since Steve's death. That was huge for me. The deceased was a friend of Joey's and I went to support him, but I didn't realize that almost everyone at the memorial also knew Steve. It should have crossed my mind because Joey and Steve went to school together, but it didn't. Five months ago, I could never have walked into a memorial service. Not only did I do it a week ago, but I also talked to strangers that knew Steve before I did. Imagine that, ME in a room full of strangers, at a memorial service, talking to people about him. I said all of that not to be dramatic, but I want you have to a mental picture. After you have imagined it and you realize how incredibly anxious I was, you will understand how good Joey is to me. He stood right next to me with his hand on my back or holding my hand through all of it. He was making sure I was o.k. when I was supposed to be there supporting him.

I also just had to watch someone very close to me go through a lot of heart testing and cardiac catheter at the exact same hospital Steve was in when they did his cardiac cath. I have been in that hospital since Steve's death, but not in the cardiac department. The thought of sitting in that same waiting room was daunting. I kept imagining that day, my birthday, when we were just sitting there waiting for the doctor to come out and tell us everything looks good. Instead, he came out and informed me that he couldn't even believe my husband was alive and he was in critical condition waiting to stabilize before they transported him to a heart transplant hospital. Thankfully, this time, we were allowed to sit in another room and everything went well .There have been a lot of steps forward for me; there have been a few steps backwards too.

There is a point in time when I started to realize who I was and what I wanted. That meant the ending and changing of some friendships. I thoroughly believe that most of humanity lives up to what people believe about them. It works the same with both the positive and the negative  A child will believe they are smart, if you tell them they are smart. As adults we don't want to think that we put that much weight into what other people think, but we do; especially when we are vulnerable. I got to the point that having friendships with people who saw the world negatively caused me to be hurt and angry most of the time and I don't need that. I needed positive people in my life. I had a friend who was just a generally negative person and never seemed happy or satisfied with anything I did. This particular friend was actually discouraging my law school efforts so much that I began to question my choices. I ended that friendship when I realized what it was doing to me. On the opposite end of the spectrum, even back when Joey and I were just friends, he saw positive things in me that I didn't see in myself and he consistently told me those things. It took a little while, but I eventually started to believe him. Nothing in this physical world compares to the happiness and satisfaction you feel when the people you love believe in you and the choices you make.

If you don't believe me, try it. For the next couple weeks, tell someone the positive things you see in them and watch how they act when they start to believe you. We all want to live up to the potential other people see in us. You have the ability to change lives by the way you make people feel, use your powers wisely.

Chapter 2

This blog is going to come as a complete surprise to everyone. I know, because it came as a complete surprise to me. This will be hard for some to accept and I completely understand why. I just ask that you read the whole blog before you decide how you feel.

It's incredible to me how God is always working behind the scenes. In the middle of the pain or the depression you don't see him doing anything. That's when I was shaking my head the most and questioning his love the most. There have been specific aspects of this journey that were unique to me, most of the people I had talked to had not dealt with these specific issues. I kept asking God why it had to be like that. Very rarely I caught a glimpse of the kind of Love I imagine God has, but most of the time I didn't see it.

Today, looking back, I was overwhelmed when I saw a bigger picture than I had seen before. He sent different people for different parts of my journey. Some were to help me get stronger and others were to help me see God and one was sent to help me do both.

I've always been a logical person who only let my heart take over in very limited circumstances. I'm sure that's why I always questioned things. I relied on Steve to help me find the right thing to do, if the line was blurry and I couldn't see it. After Steve died, I had to start developing trust in my own ability to hear from God and just let the logic go. So here's the story of how my complete surrender led me straight to the new chapter God is writing. You will have to look past any typos, I cannot do this without crying.

Everyone who knows me knows that I have been adamant that I am not dating again, I have been completely unwilling to risk the pain again. So, you all should know that it had to be God to even open my heart to the possibility. 


God has been giving me dreams my whole life, I just didn't realize what they were until 2 years ago. I learned to write my dreams down because I often forgot them. I've read back over them several times and each time I see where another one has happened. It's amazing to me how God took my logical mind and found a way in.

Anyway, I had a dream about one of Steve's friends and I knew God wanted me to ask him where he was going to church. In my gut, I knew if I asked this man where he was going to church it was going to turn into him asking me out on a date; I just knew that is what was going to happen. There was nothing wrong with him, that I knew of; I just didn't want to date anyone. So, I fought it. I fought it for about a week before I finally gave in and asked where he was going to church.

He told me that he was wanting to go check out this specific church and asked if I wanted to go to with him sometime and I just said "let me get back to you on that." It made me nervous because that was how Steve and I started. Steve said he was going to visit a church on Sunday and asked if I wanted to go with him and see how it was. It was too much of a coincidence and kinda freaked me out.

A couple days later this guy asked me out on a date and I knew I was going to have to give him the whole story about why I wasn't dating anyone. I told him all of my reasons and he decided to address the issue of me feeling like it's not fair to ask another man to be o.k. with me still loving Steve. He said, "I would think there was something wrong if you didn't love him til the day you die." He told me he expected me to love Steve and he expected that years down the road I could be having a romantic evening with someone and a song or a smell would trigger a memory and I would fall apart AND THAT IS O.K. I was completely surprised that he had given it that much thought. Then he told me that he was not in any hurry and he just wanted to get to know me better. So we began a friendship; talking on the phone and texting. Within the first 3 days he was writing out his prayers for me and my kids and texting them to me at night. He was not overwhelmed at the situation and he continued to ask how Angel was doing with her blood sugars. He was very patient and he took the time to learn what was important to me; that spoke volumes to me.

When I told him that even if I ever got to the point of being ready to try dating, 2 of my 4 kids were not ready. His response was until your kids are comfortable, I won't even ask you out. I was amazed at how selfless he is. We continued talking via text and phone and it was a wonderful way to get to know each other. There was nothing superficial about it at all. Everything was just about getting to know someone and their priorities and values.

He knew he wasn't just waiting for my kids to be ready; he was waiting for me to be ready too. My logic kept trying to take over and find a million things wrong with it and then logic would take a back seat and my heart would tell me just leave it in God's hands. One day I just surrendered it all to God; I stopped asking God why and started asking him to reveal himself to me in every situation. I was having a tough day mentally and emotionally and my heart was warring with my mind. All I could do was pray for peace and revelation. It sounds so cliche, but the song Oceans came on the radio and that song holds a lot of meaning to me. I sat there crying and listening and it was like the veil was lifted and I could see that this relationship was designed by God. I was able to look at all of it and say, but God. If God purposes, calls, and anoints then all of my fears do not negate his plans. I am in still in awe at the way God wove our story together and this is just the beginning. I don't know where God plans to take this. It could be for a season or it could be for a lifetime. I know that I thought I understood complete surrender before, but I didn't. I get it now. Complete surrender doesn't mean that I have to settle for something less than the best. It means that God's plan doesn't always come when and how you think it will and you have to be willing to let go and trust. I didn't trust Joey at first because I didn't know him, but I trusted him faster that I ever expected I would because God continually reveals himself to me through Joey. His heart for me and my kids is unbelievable. His trust in God in something I long to have.

This is Joey. He's unbelievably funny and he completely adores me. He is one of the most selfless people I have ever met.
He even met with Adison to make sure he was o.k. with us dating. Maybe someday, he will write his own side of this story and I'll publish it here on the blog for you. Fair warning, he's incredibly romantic so you just might get sick of us.

No Limits!

So, I have been asked out by a few different men over the last few months and I have swiftly directed them to read the blog or just said I'm never getting into another relationship. Most of them just walk away.

One very persistent man wanted to debate me as to why, and I gave him my reasons. He kept asking me over and over if I realized I was limiting God. While talking to him I explained that I am not limiting God, God can and will do whatever he wants, obviously. I just have a hard time believing that God is going to bring another man into this chaotic life I have AND that man would be happy to be a part of it.

I got to thinking, is that how I'm coming across through this blog, that I'm limiting God's ability to do anything? Just to make it very clear:

I AM NOT LIMITING GOD! 

It is not possible for me to limit God anyway, who am I? I understand the reasoning behind the question. I appear to be so set on my opinion and I'm unwilling to change. That is not true. I have an opinion based on valid concerns. I do not question God's abilities. I question the intentions and abilities of people, but not God. Men, just like women, are everywhere; it's not hard to find one, if you are looking. The problem is a lot of people today are selfish and don't want to be burdened with other peoples issues. I had a wonderful, caring man and I have no intentions of going backwards. So here is my deal with God, "if you plan for me to be with another man then you put it together, but you're going to have to show me because until you reveal it to me, I am planning on doing this alone."

I realize that it is hard for most people to understand my position, but it is what it is. I also understand that God has plans bigger than I can imagine and until he lets me in on them, I'm just doing what I think is right. I'm doing things to better me and my kids and our future. This is my position on everything in my life, not just this one issue. I have decided it is ALL surrendered to the One who controls it all.  

I hope I have cleared up any confusion. Quite simply, God is in control of all of it!

  

Voiceless?

A little while back, I had a strange dream, a lot of it is too personal to share, but the main point is there was a man physically trying to stop me from speaking. It was not a normal dream, it was very disturbing;the kind Steve would have woken me up from. I knew what it meant as soon as I woke up and I knew the reason I was given the dream; it was all to protect me. Then, fast forward a few days from the dream and I heard a widow talking about how she had researched the word "widow" and it's origin means VOICELESS. Seriously? I mean, I guess I understand that in the first stages of being a widow, but it has been the opposite for me as time goes on. I have begun to find my voice now. Not that being married to Steve made me voiceless. But, I relied on him to be my voice, a lot.

I've been finding my own voice for the past few months. I got married at 18 and I had a wonderful marriage. I wouldn't change any of it, except how it ended. I wouldn't change it because it made me who I am. But, who am I, alone? It seems like everything gets defined by relationship status. I even have to figure out which box to check on medical forms. It is mentally exhausting to sit there and think well, I don't really feel single, but I can't check married because then they want spouses contact info and most of them don't even have a widowed box. I feel like saying I'm single is a lie because I didn't choose to be that way, if he was alive I wouldn't be single. Maybe I'll start a campaign to abolish the relationship status boxes on medical forms (probably not, but it sounded good in my head). They can just ask who to contact in case of emergency, they don't need to now how they are related, do they?

Seriously though, what are the things about me that I like and don't like? What do I want to change and where do I want to be a year from now? I guess I'm at the stage where I'm realizing that even though the pain remains, life does have to keep going. People tell you that all the time, but grief is such a personal thing, you eventually begin to just tune people out (Sorry, just being honest). Grief doesn't work as neatly as everyone wants it to and I am reminded daily that it will never be over. It is a process that will take my entire lifetime, but that doesn't mean my WHOLE life will be all about grieving. I'm seeing enough hope to start thinking about something other than what I've lost. I'm starting to plan for the future.  I want to do something to make the world better when I leave it.



But, I still am not sure about me. The other day someone asked me what kinds of things I like to do and I had no idea how to answer that question. Steve and I immersed our lives in ministry stuff, kids, and businesses. I do not have any clue what I like to do. I've been thinking about it the past few days and it is absolutely pathetic that I do not know. So, I have given myself a challenge: over the next 6 months I am going to figure out what I like to do. Just me! No one else involved. It sounds so incredibly selfish and unlike me that it's almost hard to actually type. Obviously, I'm still a Mom so I have to do stuff with my kids, but when it comes to figuring out who I am, I want to know what I enjoy all by myself; when there are no kids and no husband, what do I like to do? I don't know, but I'm going to find out. By the end of 2015, I will have a list.

By the way, I'm not voiceless!

Women- Just keeping it real

Today has been one of those days that only a woman truly understands.  It's the kind of day where a man asks what's wrong and the only answer you can give is "everything." Sometimes, EVERYTHING is wrong! Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to ask someone what's wrong and get an answer like everything, so I try very hard to be able to give direct, defined answers.

I've tried to find the words and I can think of some, but I don't know that the way a man's brain works will be able to understand why it's such a big deal to us. I'm going to try to explain it. This will not be the same thing that is wrong with every woman every time she says "everything" but for the most part as I look back, it is almost always what is wrong with me when I say everything. Here it is: I feel like a failure at everything! On those days, I felt like a failure as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a student, a woman, a business owner; a failure at every hat I wear. I am very well aware that Life isn't perfect, but for some reason I still try to make it as perfect as I can. Obviously, I fail at that particular goal. Some days, I feel like ALL, or at least the majority, of the parts of me (the ton of hats I wear) are horrible at the same time.  The thoughts that run through our heads and the emotions that come from them are real to us. This is why it's easier to say everything because the list could go on and on for miles:

Just a few things that are wrong with our appearance:

• Crepey (Kra pee) skin. I know the men have no idea what this is so I googled a pic for you. 
• Age spots
• Wrinkles
• Gained weight
• Lost weight but can't even tell
• Stretch marks
• Varicose veins
• Eczema
• Dry Skin
• Oily Skin
• Acne
• Thinning hair
• Hair falling out (Stress actually does cause this, it's not just something some woman made up)
• Gray Hair
• Stupid hair 
• Etc

On to our other thoughts:

• I hate to cook, so how crappy of a wife and mom does that make me?
• I didn't get the laundry done
• Forgot to pay the bill
• Never spend enough time with my husband
• Never spend enough time with my kids
• Never spend enough time with parents, siblings, extended family.
• Are the kids involved in enough stuff?
• Are the kids involved in too much stuff?
• Completely screwed up the assignment
• Did horrible on the test. 
• Forgot the appointment
• Forgot to bill the client
• Forgot to send the email
• Missed the deadline
• Etc

Most of the time only a few of these failures circle my mind, but I noticed on the "everything" days, it is like failure overload. It is all coming at me at once and I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything or anyone. Any change in circumstance can change our perception of who we are.

When your teenager thinks they know more than you do, you're a horrible parent, but when you buy them a car you're great. When you are getting straight A's in school it's obvious to everyone that your a good student, when your business is successful everyone assumes you know what you're doing. Spin the circumstances the other direction and suddenly you're a different person. 

I remember having one of these days about 5 years ago and when Steve was asking 20 questions to get to the bottom of what was wrong, I said something about being a horrible wife. He responded with another question: Since you're MY wife, wouldn't I be the one to know how good or bad of a wife you are? While that was true, my thought was, of course, while I'm crying about being a horrible wife he is going to tell me how great I am. He did do that, but he also pointed out that we all have bad days because we are not perfect, but what matters is the heart behind it all. 

At the end of the day, "everything" all comes down to how we see ourselves. Some people always see themselves as a failure and they don't ever find there way out of that mind set. Other's see themselves in a more positive light and sometimes the light goes out and all they see is dark. Those are the "everything" days. I'm glad they are few are far between. They are harder now because he's not here. There are things I don't feel like I could tell anyone but him, so they stay inside and yes, I know that makes it worse, but what's a girl with trust issues going to do? So, I'll go to sleep and hope tomorrow is not an "everything" kind of day. 

Love and Loss...Death and Divorce

* Disclaimer: I am not condemning the choices made by anyone. I am well aware that there are situations in which divorce is the right thing to do. Please do not take anything written here as a judgment. 

There have been different times throughout this journey that I've had revelations that served to move me forward. There have also been a few times throughout this journey that everything has falling apart again and I find myself back at square one. I recently wrote Shift 19 months, and in it I explained that I thought I could feel a shift coming. It is the way God has always worked with me, I feel what he's doing, with no way to explain it, before it happens. It made for some interesting conversations with my husband. Rarely did we disagree about how to handle something, but if we did Steve would ask why I thought we should or shouldn't do something and my only response sometimes was, "I can't explain it; I just know." I'm sure that took some trust on his part. I found myself there again when I wrote about the shift I was feeling. Something was changing, but what was it.  It was revelation coming. I'm hoping revelation that restores hope and trust.

I was talking to a friend  about my spiritual struggle with Steve's death and all the other issues in my life. Me even talking about this with someone doesn't happen a lot anymore. Simply because I have realized that unless the person I'm talking to has had a wonderful marriage that only ended because their spouse died, they cannot comprehend the depth of this pain. So, I typically just don't discuss it with people.  I am not trying to be arrogant in any way, it's just an experience you have to have to understand. It's like trying to explain to someone how much they will love being a parent, they can try to understand, but they cannot fully understand until they experience it.

I cannot understand things I have not experienced either. This friend I was talking to is going through a divorce (not the friend 75% of your are thinking of, so chill. I only met this person a few months ago).  During the conversation, I knew they were not comprehending the only words I could find, although inadequate, to explain my issues with God. Then the topic changed to divorce and my friend said something that struck me as being bitter about their divorce and a light bulb went off in my head. I said you can't understand what I had and lost and how that impacts my life just like I can't understand being in a broken marriage and going through a divorce. I will freely admit that I cannot comprehend the emotional impact a divorce has on a person. I can empathize, but I've never been divorced.

I have been the 2nd wife. I will apologize in advance if this hurts anyone's feelings, but when I started writing this blog I committed to be transparent and honest on this journey and I'm not going to start hiding things now. This will be one of the only negative things you will see me write about mine and Steve's life, but Steve also told this story to help people. He was married for 5 years to another woman. He was supporting a wife and three kids. During that time, he worked full time and then he started going to school part time so that he could start a career instead of trying to make it on a minimum wage job. From almost the beginning of their marriage she was unfaithful. She did not respect him and she attempted to be very controlling. When she left him for another man, his heart and his spirit were broken. Instead of allowing himself to be broken and seek God, he allowed himself to become bitter. Fast forward a little and I came along. He was a very sweet man, but anytime I had a suggestion he immediately assumed I was trying to control him and all hell broke loose. This is was my only experience in dealing with a divorced man and I was too young and dumb to understand what was happening. As time went on, I realized that she had spoken that distrust into his life and he didn't trust me because of her. I was starting to get angry because I was paying for her mistakes. Why did she get to have the best part of him and I got the jaded part. I got a good man who had been wounded and now I was dealing with the fallout, We had a conversation in which I attempted to relay that I had not cheated on him, lied to him, or given him any reason not to trust me. She may not have deserved the man he was, but I did and I wanted a chance to prove to that him that his trust wouldn't be wasted on me. Something amazing about Steve was once he saw that he was wrong, he worked to fix it. After that conversation, he fixed it. It took a little bit, but eventually there was no residual bitterness or resentment from that 1st marriage anymore. We had worked through that and our marriage was stronger because of it.

So, even though I haven't been divorced and I cannot understand it, as a party of the divorce, I have seen an aspect of it. I see a pattern in it; it's a thread that keeps unraveling in each subsequent relationship. Not always, but very often in a failed marriage, a giver and a taker emerge. Everything usually starts out great. Both parties are so in love they are willing to do whatever it takes to make the other happy. At some point life starts throwing curve balls and one or both of them starting looking out for themselves only. Often one spouse gives and gives and the other takes and takes until the taker decides the giver still isn't doing enough or the giver decides they are tired of the taker taking so much. Either way when it ends and the dust settles, there are two takers and no givers left. One or both of them are bitter and jaded and assuming that all members of the opposite sex are the same way. Trust is gone! The cycle continues in relationship after relationship until they choose to let go of the anger and trust again.

I promise this will come together and makes sense (I hope)

So, during this discussion, my friend asks me, "Do you trust God?" to which my response was I'm trying. The more I thought about it, my counter question was "trust God to what?"

I have trusted God with my husband's life, my medical issues, my children's medical issues, our finances, etc. I have believed my entire life that God is good and only does good and only wants good for us. Everything is within his control right? On September 11, 2013 at 11:06 p.m. I lost the trust I had in God. We stood in faith and trusted that God was going to work a miracle. I believed in miracles, I had seen them. I've seen God move in impossible situations, so I believed God was going to intervene in this situation and He didn't.

In the midst of the most painful part of the grief is where I felt the most betrayed by God. I made excuses to try to wrap my head around why God didn't intervene (none of them work, they only served to keep me from going insane). I was begging God to stop ignoring me and show up; show me something that proves He cares about ME and my kids and the pain we're in. It didn't matter how hard I cried or loud I screamed, God wasn't showing up. That is where I began to feel the most betrayed. At some point, I started dreaming. In the beginning most of the dreams were only sent to bring peace and as I began to realize that God was finally showing up the dreams became more frequent and started becoming more about current and future events; warning dreams and wisdom dreams. I have had a lot of dreams since then, but 4 of them were way beyond dreams. It was in the unfolding of all of this that I began to trust God again. I was starting to come to a place that I could let go of the betrayal I felt and I actually started to feel like God really did love me. I still didn't understand why he didn't intervene and heal Steve, but I was coming to peace with not having that answer.

Then my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. There I was sitting in that hospital room wondering, Where are you now, God? She's 10! She's innocent and her father just died and her mother is a wreck but you still don't see fit to help. Now God expects this newly single Mom, to deal with all this too. I was right back in the place of distrust and feeling betrayed. Only this time was different, this time I didn't fall apart because my daughter needed me. I just started feeling calloused. I was no longer just hurt and betrayed, I was indifferent. I don't know why I'm bothering to try because obviously I'm not good enough at this. I don't know what the magic words are; I don't have the exact amount of faith needed or I'm just a crappy person, I don't know what it is but something is definitely wrong with me because God is just allowing knockout after knockout and he's not doing ANYTHING! At this point, I'm not sure why I'm trying to trust, when it doesn't seem like God even cares.

God's ideas of love and trust are certainly not compatible with the way my human mind works. . It takes a long time for me to trust people, but when I finally trust them, I'm all in. There is nothing I wouldn't do for people that are in my inner circle. I would have given Steve my heart and died myself, so he could live. I would give my daughter my pancreas, if it would cure her. I would and have driven to a friends house in the middle of the night to keep her ex from beating the crap out of her. If I love you, there's nothing I won't do for you. It just seems to me like GOD would have loved us that much too. I know how this sounds now, but in the middle of the storm it doesn't sound so far off.

Back to the conversation...Here is where the parallel happened in my mind. 

My answer to the Do you trust God question became "I trust that he can, but I have no idea if he will" because I had already done the trusting that He can and He will part and it didn't work out. He's God, I know he CAN. He could do anything he wants.

I don't really remember how long this indifference lasted, but because I'm me and it is not in my nature to quit anything. I started trying to figure this out again. Over and Over, I come up with placated symbolism to try to explain everything. But something happened this last time when my friend asked me, "Do you trust God," and I gave my "I'm trying" response.

I had a rough night that night; I woke up the next morning feeling like I had been in a battle and I this is what came was revealed from that.

I have been in a domestic dispute with God in which my perception of what He didn't do allowed me to lose trust in who he is and served to affirm my already difficult belief that He could really love me. I've been on the verge of spiritual divorce.  I thought we had worked out our differences, only to feel betrayed again and I became jaded in my perception of who God is. So, when people ask if I trust God my answer has been I'm trying, but in reality the answer was No. I had hit that part of the relationship where I felt like I was being asked to give more trust than was being earned.

I was so committed to my marriage that divorce was never an option. When I didn't feel like loving him because he did something I didn't like, I CHOSE to love him despite what I felt. He did the same for me. I trusted Steve's love so much, that nothing could make me believe he didn't love me. So, why is it so hard for me to wrap my mind around God's love? Is it simply because my husband was here in the physical form, he was tangible and God is not?  Again, I don't have any answers to satisfy my logical mind. These shifts don't resolve the all of the conflict, but they bring me closer.

Something about this divorce analogy hit me like a ton of bricks. People in the middle of a divorce only see all the details of what happened, what she said, what he did; they can't see the big picture anymore.  I have been so focused on trying to figure out the details of it all and the formulas for how I understood faith and trust to work and where did we go wrong and what should we have done, but I lost the big picture. In the end we are all just a vapor here for a little while and gone, eternity is all that remains and Steve is there; he made it faster than me, but I will catch up.

I am feeling liberated in knowing that It is not a requirement for me to like how any of this happened. I do not have to agree with the people who say it was God's will. I do not have to agree that this must have been the right thing. The reality is everyone is guessing, no one knows.  I can simply choose to trust that God has a perception that is inexplicable to me. Honestly, what excuse is ever going to be good enough anyway. I can choose to trust that the He can and sometimes He actually will intervene. I believe that the love I shared with Steve only existed because God loves me.
I believe that He CAN and He WILL bring

Beauty from this Pain!