Shift. 19 Months

I have felt a shift trying to happen lately. I'm not sure what is happening, but there is something going on. At first it seemed to be a really good thing, but I don't know. I wondered if maybe this is what it feels like to get stronger. But, it starts and stops.

For the last 19 months, the shifting of stages has typically taken a long time to happen. It seems to be happening faster now. I'm hoping it is not an illusion. I have kept myself pretty busy so that I don't have as much time to think. So, I'm hoping that when things slow down, I'm still able to keep myself in a good place.

I am listening to music almost every day again. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's huge for me. He was always singing to me and since he's been gone, music brings out the worst emotions. I have been able to talk about the good and the bad times, a lot more lately, without falling apart. I can see that we are making progress. There are still some things that I'm not sure will ever get better. Most importantly, I'm not sure I will ever again feel as safe as I felt with him. I know there are many incredibly strong single women in the world. I'm still in the pretending I'm strong phase, I don't know if I will ever actually be there. I was spoiled after so many years of having Steve to lean on and draw strength from; he was my safe place and now all of that is gone. Of course, life was not perfect before he died, but that doesn't matter. For some reason, it takes tragedy for people to realize that what they had may not have been perfect, but it was perfect enough.

I'm doing my best to figure this life out on my own, because now, I'm thinking about what my girls are going to learn from how I handle all of this. 

Let me just say this, if it were not for friends who check in with me everyday, I have no idea where I would be.