I was reading a blog that I posted April 16, 2014 titled "Control." In it, I was talking about how we all feel like we have some kind of control over our lives and when tragedy hits we realize how little control we actually have. I made a statement about people trying to make me feel better by saying "God is in control" and that was supposed to work some kind of magic and give me peace. Let me tell you, "God is in control" did not bring peace, it brought extreme feelings of betrayal. I did, however, admit that maybe it was just the timing and eventually I would get to the point that I could feel like God was in control AND He didn't betray me.
As I was talking to a friend the other day, I realized that I'm finally there. I still do not understand and I thoroughly believe that God could have made all of it happen another way, but now I can open my once closed, shaking fist and grasp onto the fact that God knew and did what was best for Steve,
eternally. I always knew our own free will got him into the health situation he was in, but the fact that God didn't miraculously heal him doesn't feel like betrayal anymore. There were plenty of times over the years that Steve and I discussed how he could change some things to make his health better, we didn't implement it. We didn't see the diabetes and high cholesterol as all that serious. after all he looked and felt fine. It wasn't God's fault Steve had a heart attack and it wasn't God's fault we didn't know he had a heart attack and waited to long too seek medical help. But, only God knows the future and for whatever reason God didn't stop it from killing him.
I'm finally in another perspective of the vast ocean of tragedy. God most definitely is concerned with life on earth, but he's more concerned with Eternal life and all I can do is trust that He knew September 11, 2013 was the optimal day for Steve to enter his.
There is so much unknown, so much that is completely out of our control; it finally brings peace to know that God is in control.
I understand things differently than I did before. I used to look at Jesus and the disciples and see all the miracles and now I look at it and see Peter sinking, Peter denying Jesus, Judas selling him out, Thomas doubting, and almost all of them were murdered. Where I used to see nothing but miracles, now I see there was tragedy too. I have always been able to utter the words "God doesn't cause the pain, but he uses it for good." I never really understood that phrase until the depth of my pain was so deep, I was drowning. In that time, it certainly felt like God either caused or at the very least sat back and did nothing to stop it.What used to feel like betrayal, now, even though it is bitter-sweet, feels like gratitude because I do not have to question where Steve is. I still feel loss and sadness for myself and the kids, but finally grasping that God is in control AND he did not betray me is
a feeling I cannot describe.
