What could have happened

I had a dream that has made me think about a couple things about divine intervention.

• There are a few times that I know of where I felt God intervened and saved Steve. I wonder how many times I don't know about. This doesn't lessen the pain of the fact that he didn't intervene on September 11, 2013, it only help to remind me that I should be grateful for all the time I did have him.

• I have come to realize that there is NO way to prevent certain things from happening. People can reduce risks, but they can never eliminate it. I know several Christians that have been diagnosed with cancer over the past couple months. The reality is that I will never understand why God allows things to happen, but I am grateful that Steve did not have to go through a long illness. I don't know, it might have been easier for me to deal with if I had been able to prepare; but I doubt it. I love Steve enough to outweigh my selfish desire to BE PREPARED and be grateful that he died suddenly. 

I don't think the pain will ever end and some days I'm not sure I will be able to stay sane, but I have noticed that in a VERY small way it helps to think about how much worse it could have been. He could have died in a lot worse ways.

After he died, some people said "maybe God was saving him from something worse" and my response was God could have healed him now and stopped whatever the worse thing is too. He's God, right? Except, God doesn't always intervene and I have no idea why. I don't think there is a magic prayer with specific words that makes him intervene, but for some reason he does, SOMETIMES. I really wish I knew what causes divine intervention. Maybe they were right; maybe God was saving him from something worse. I don't think God killed him, but it might explain why God didn't allow him to stay here.

I've notice the majority of Christians are extremely naive, like I was, and they honestly believe that they know what God will do. If I've learned anything it's that I don't know anything.

May 11, 2014

Mother's day, 8 months, and my nephew's graduation day. It was a very big day to process. I left town on Friday, May 9th to go down to Branson. This was my 2nd trip out of town since Steve's been gone. The first trip was a disaster. This one wasn't a disaster, but I have discovered that even trying to go on vacation is very difficult without him. Sitting in a hotel room with no one to talk to is boring. Doing practically anything without him is boring.

I was very proud of my nephew Troy for finishing his Bachelor's degree at 20 years old. However, the day was bittersweet. Troy's mother died when he was 4 months old and then Steve 8 months to the day before his graduation. Both of them should have been there to see this accomplishment and celebrate with us. Both of them are missing from all the pictures. The hole they have left is incomprehensible.