Cycles

I feel like I take 1/2 a step forward and then 5 steps back. This whole cycle of grief is exhausting. Just when I think I'm coming through, I start back at the beginning again.
I keep thinking about the Israelites wandering around in the wilderness for 40 years and I wonder how long I will be wandering around the same questions. It's not like I don't want to come to some kind of peace and to be able to experience anything other than sadness and pain.

 I'm hoping and praying God will just decide it's time to wrap all this up and rapture us.

I NEED YOU TO COME BACK TO ME

I need you to hug me and hold my hand. I miss you so much. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to accept this. Enduring this pain is miserable but having to endure the pain without you holding me is absolutely unbearable. Steven, I can't do this, I need you to come back to me.

Re-evaluate

At first I only questioned God on why and then I found myself re-evaluating EVERYTHING I believe. From the character of God to the existence of Heaven and everything you can possibly imagine in between. Scriptures have become more ambiguous than ever to me; I have spent time questioning why something is written a certain way in one verse and in the next verse a very important part of the first verse doesn't seem to be there. Why two preachers I highly respect and believe are anointed by God, can have two totally different takes on vital issues to me.

I have literally thought if people could hear my thoughts, they would think I was crazy. 

A lot of people might think I'm crazy, but I've come to learn that almost all of us who lose a spouse have the EXACT same thoughts.

I will say that for years I have thought that I'm missing something and I still haven't found it, but I think I'm going to. Believing in Jesus crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension were never hard for me. Believing that God, as big and vast as he is, sees me individually and cares for me individually has been my biggest hangup. There are obviously many smaller issues that I think I have to address as well.

When you are completely broken with no hope the only thing you can do is lay it all down. Give up!

Once I completely gave up all my preconceived ideas and everything I ever thought I knew, I realized how much I really don't know. I am now in the process of re-evaluating these things. It's frightening in once since because I don't do well with change, but I'm also looking forward to hopefully finding what I've been missing.

Tears fall

I've gone from holding hands during EVERY car ride to looking up at the stars and realizing how far apart we are. So much space separates me from the one I love the most. Some days I can try my hardest to put how much I miss him out of my mind, but most days I just can't deny it and the tears are uncontrollable.

Spiritual Cross Road

I'm kind of at a spiritual cross road right now, and I guess I have been for a few days. My head and heart have been arguing back and forth about what I know and what I feel. It's almost like I'm standing on the outside watching this conversation take place. But, the pain I feel is too excruciating for a bystander, I'm definitely living this nightmare. I am fully aware that there is a battle going on here and I feel like I'm barely treading water.

It is definitely true that in this big of a loss people tend to either run to God or away from him. I thought we were in the midst of God when it all happened. Which has left me with the debate between my head and my heart. It goes something like this:

A God, what in the world are you doing? Is this your idea of a blessed life? What is the point of living, if this is all there is?

B. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts

A. God must be too busy with other things and he is obviously not seeing the pain I'm in. I do not feel like He really loves ME as a person. I know he loves all of mankind in general, but I really need to feel like God is actively involved and cares about me, individually. If he truly cared why would he have allowed all this to happen. 

B. For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels won't, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep Gods' love away. Our fears for today, or worries about tomorrow or where we are -- high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean -- nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when He died for us.

A. All throughout the Bible I read about how Faith moves mountains, heals the sick and raises the dead. But, our Faith obviously didn't work. If the only way it works is perfection, then no one will ever have enough faith. When we needed God most and had way more than 2 or 3 people gathered together in faith, our faith didn't work. How do I believe that my faith will ever work for anything? How do I trust God now? 

B. If I don't have faith, what do I have left. I am constantly reminded of what Steve always said when questions were left unanswered "Seek first the kingdom of God, everything else will fall in line."

This is just a sampling of the debate that I've been in, there is much more.
I have decided to ask God to somehow show me the answers I need, take away the questions he doesn't plan on answering, and help me to recognize His love. 
While I do not feel like I have enough Faith to keep going, I've determined that it is God's job to bring me through this.

Counseling

I took the plunge and made an appointment with a counselor at a local Christian counseling organization. My first appointment was last night. I have never been to counseling before, so this was all new to me. She said I understand your husband died, how long ago was that? So, I started explaining. It took about 2 seconds for the tears to start falling from my eyes and about 2 minutes until she was crying too. When I got through the story all she could say was I'm sorry. She told me that she didn't even know how to help me and asked me if I still wanted to continue with weekly appointments. She did say my pain has made her re-think how she will treat her own husband. So I guess I paid for her to discover that life is never certain.

That definitely wasn't helpful. I just rehashed everything leading up to his death and his death with this woman and she has no idea how to help me.

I know I can try another counselor, but I have no desire to "try out" other counselors when I have to re-explain all this pain every time I see a new one.

The Two Shall Become One

I found myself in a downward spiral this past week. This grief thing is completely unpredictable and "the stages" seem to keep repeating themselves. I was talking to another widow about conversations with God and again I am hit with the realization that a lot of us feel the same things, but many of us don't say what we feel.

I have had many conversations with God about this pain. Until September 11, 2013, I had always enjoyed my life here and heaven was a just a distant thought  of something I knew would come someday, but I was in no hurry. Recently, I found myself in a hurry to get there. No, I'm not suicidal. I'm just missing the other half of me and I long to connect us again. There is no amount of explanation that can make this understandable to anyone.

This level of grief can make you question things you would never have thought to question before. I have wondered if Steve will have forgotten how much we loved each other by the time I get there. I have wondered if he's just too happy to care. I have wondered if he can see how horribly I'm handling this. I have wondered if what I do from here on out affects who we are to each other in heaven.
I have begged God to just tell Steve how much I love him.

Mark 10:8 Jesus was talking to the Pharisees and he told them that when a Man and Woman get married "the two become one." I've been thinking a lot about how I do not feel like a whole person anymore; it's totally true, Steve and I became one. I've been trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be on my own, now that I'm the only half left here. Maybe I'm just supposed to continue being who we were together, I just have to do twice the amount of work now.

Since God decided to keep me alive, I'm praying that He will remove the pain and reveal the plan.

In black and white

I can stay depressed and grieving or I can try to move on.
As long as I'm grieving somehow I feel like I'm closer to Steve because I'm not letting go. If I have a decent day where I'm not crying all day, I feel like I'm further away from him.

I can alienate myself further to keep from getting hurt or I can join in on life completely and risk getting hurt. 
If I alienate myself I feel like I'm protecting myself from having to be this hurt again, but If I continue to do it this way then I miss out on the people that are left. I don't feel like I should enjoy the people who are left because Steve can't.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm upset that Steve moved on without me and if I let go of the grief then I move on without him. I'm apparently not ready to accept that no matter what I do I can't be with him anymore. Somehow I think that as long as I'm connected to him through the grief he won't forget me and I won't forget him.

How I wish I felt

What I would like to feel is that God is in control and will heal my pain. I would like to feel like I didn't do anything wrong and Steve knew how much I loved him. I would like to be able to just pick  myself up without feeling guilty for doing so. I would like to be able to think what I have left in this life is enough for me to make the best of it. I would like to be able to continue the plans that Steve and I discussed and not feel my heart ripping out of my chest daily. I would like to be able to drive passed Lindbergh Boulevard without losing my grip and recalling the events of the night he died. I would love to sit in my house, with my kids, JUST ONE DAY, and not weep uncontrollably. I wish I didn't feel the need to pull away from the people I have left because I don't think I can handle losing someone else I love. 

I wish the promise that I will see him again some day brought me enough comfort to get me through for however long it takes "someday" to come.

What I KNOW and what I feel are NOT very often in agreement right now. Currently, what I know, I only know because of years of hearing it. I do not FEEL like God is in control and I do not FEEL like the God of this universe cares at all about my pain. All I can do, at this point, is tell myself that even though I'm not sure I'll make it through this with God, I definitely won't get through it without God. 

How I wish I felt:

John 8:32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

Phillipians 4: 6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Navigation

My emotions have been all over the map the past few days. The overwhelming thing I feel is sad because I miss him and us so much. I cannot come up with the words that would adequately describe this feeling. Every day I realize something else that I will never have again or that I wish I had done differently, adding the new realizations to the ones I have already had has become completely overwhelming. My daughters will now be raised without a father to show them what a man should be. No father to tell them how beautiful they are how and to show them how valuable they are. I know many women get divorced and raise children on their own, but the difference none of this was chosen.  He was a wonderful man and he would have been exactly the kind of man they needed to look for later.

I'm also very frustrated because I'm navigating all of this alone. It seems like everyday there are problems that I'm having to try to figure out alone and it is very frustrating. I'm not talking stuff like I need a piece of furniture moved, I'm talking major life and business issues that only him and I had a stake in. This stuff doesn't mean as much to anyone else, so they can't grasp the depth of the importance or the pain.

When you're a kid you always think you're the only one going through something. Everything is such a major deal and no one understands you. You grow up and realize how childish that way of thinking is. Unbelievably there is a place a lot like that place as an adult. There are very few others who can grasp this pain and it's a toss up, out of the ones you know, as to whether or not they made it through. That's how I feel most, it's a toss up.

Of the people I know who lost a spouse, probably 90% of them masked their pain with alcohol or drugs. I haven't drank a drop, smoked a puff, touched a drug, not even a sleeping pill. It's not because it hasn't crossed my mind. I would love to not be present for this pain. There have been two reasons I haven't touched it. 1. My kids have now suffered the trauma of loss twice in their short lives. 2. Since he had to die, maybe I'm supposed to feel this pain. If I don't feel it now and learn whatever I'm supposed to learn, what happens next to get my attention.

Comfortable love

Being loved by the same person for 18 years made me comfortable. I knew beyond any doubt that I could trust him to be there and he would do everything in his power to make my life better.

That's what happens when you are the most important person in someone's life. You will do whatever it takes to show them how important they are.

When a spouse dies, you immediately feel the pain of your loss. You immediately realize that you've lost the them and you can no longer be with them. Later, you realize that you are no longer loved like that; that comfortable love that you've always felt is gone. Now, he doesn't comfort me when I'm crying. He doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. I will never be the most important person again. This explains the phenomenon of when a spouse dies, the other half often dies within 2 years. How do you go from feeling that loved and important to feeling nothing but heartache.

Heaven

Since most of my heart now resides in Heaven, I began doing a lot of reading on Heaven. There are some doctrines who say the Bible is clear that we won't know each other there and other's that say the Bible is clear that we will know each other there. Obviously it's one of those subjects that not everyone will agree on. But, I really like the way that Jentezen Franklin describes this in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQqJAUZcp8M&feature=youtu.be

Joseph, Moses, and Abraham

Everyone has something they are good at, I just happen to be good at college. I love college, I would seriously just keep going and racking up degrees if money were no object. To me, it seems like academics is the only thing I'm really good at. 

It doesn't matter how book smart I get, nothing that I've learned in school could prepare me for this tragedy. None of it can help me with the loneliness or give me answers. Since I was probably 7 years old,  my analytic brain has asked a lot of biblical questions and some of them have yet to be answered. There are still to this day a few things that I do not comprehend. There have been many times in the past that I've honestly wondered why God just didn't give up on me and all my questions. 

What I have realized over the years is that I don't think it upsets God for me to ask all my logical questions. Thomas doubted and it didn't make Jesus mad. As a matter of fact, sometimes I think the questions, whether they get answered or not, are all a part of God's plan to reveal something else. 

I still have all the same questions I have been posting about for the past month; they haven't been answered, but I have been doing a lot of reading and searching for answers to those questions. In my reading I have remembered that many people in the Old Testament, New Testament, and even today go through a lot of HELL on earth. Everyone always talks about Job, and that is a good reference, but I'm thinking about Joseph, Moses, and Abraham. Abraham had to leave his hometown, send his only son away, and later be willing to kill his other son. I have no idea why God allowed Joseph to be sold into Slavery or Moses' mother to have to give him away to save his life. But, what I do know is that God took it all and made something beautiful out of it. So while I'm questioning WHY didn't he stop all of this stuff before it caused all the suffering, I also see all throughout history that he took the broken pieces and formed something new. 

I don't know if I will ever be able to stop asking all the logical questions because that's just the way my brain works, but regardless of my questions I have no choice but to hope that all the hell I'm living now, the loneliness I feel, the regrets I battle, the agony of life without my soul mate will somehow be woven into a tapestry that I do not yet comprehend. If you ask me, there is no way that anything will ever change what I feel right now, but I'm trying to tell myself that there was a reason God didn't ask me. 

Today, I have been thinking a lot about these two versus. 

I have never been weaker than I am right now.

1 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  

I have no strength left. 

Zechariah 4:6 "Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, say the Lord Almighty." 

Back and Forth

I have never suffered from an addiction to anything, but right now I feel like what an addict might feel like.  I face this battle 24 hours a day. I have this thing that I just can't let go of and I'm pretty good at hiding it most of the time. I can't hide it from myself though; it invades my every thought and action; it even invades my dreams. Tomorrow I might feel like I can stand on my own two feet and make some progress, but today I feel like I'm totally lost and there will never be final end to this pain. The back and forth of emotions is exhausting.

I just can't believe this is now my life, if you can even call it life; it really just seems like waiting a really long time to be with him again.

Open Letter to God

I really need you to give me some help with accepting all of this. I have no idea what you're doing, why did you give us so much hope while he was in the hospital and then let him die? I know that you didn't kill him, but you are the ultimate authority and ,according to Job, you had to approve it. I just can't get passed this; if you love me, why would you allow this to happen?

I know that people are always praying for things, like to win the lottery, and they don't get their prayers answered. I can see why those prayers don't get answered. I have always believed that Faith is what it takes to move from natural to super natural living. Steve and I have seen healing miracles and we've experienced prophecy fulfilled in our lives. We have operated in the gifts of the spirit and I can't count the number of lives he pointed to you. I know that it all hinges on Faith, but faith without works is dead. What I really want is a revelation of whatever it is that I don't know. Obviously, I'm missing something. I don't believe that you would allow someone to die because the pain medication had them to tired to pray, I believe that is when the Faith of the rest of us was to supposed to hold him. So, how do I explain this to my kids when I can't explain to myself why the praying didn't work. How do I help them keep an unshakable faith, when we just witnessed the faith of hundreds of people NOT work. What happened to "when two or three are gathered in my name" and "whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven"?

I am fully aware that faith only works when I'm believing within your will and I was. I know it's not your will   to cut short the life of someone that was going to draw countless more people to you. At this point, it just seems like a roll of the dice on when my faith is going to work or not and I can't accept that.

You are supposed to love me even more than my Dad; I just cannot comprehend any situation where my Dad would allow my Husband to die if he had the power to stop it. You could have simply returned his heart rhythm to normal and I cannot fathom any good reason that you didn't.

I've been trying trust you to "work all things together" for our good, but since you let Steve die, I'm having a hard time trusting. You designed marriage to be this kind of bond, you put us together and then you allowed us to be ripped apart way too soon.  You allowed my children to be fatherless. If you really know my heart, you know it's broken and desperate for something to hold onto. I'm really trying not to give up, but you are going to have to come really far to reach me. I need you to give me something and I don't know what it is, but you should.

Hopelessness

I had really hoped that I was starting to move forward, but today has proven me wrong. I'm so angry one minute and the next my heart is breaking all over again. Trying to keep myself and the kids extremely busy was working, at least I thought it was. I don't want to forget him or diminish who he was to us, but I can't function if I'm not working towards something. Apparently some days, I'm just going to fall apart anyway and I was really hoping that I was done with feeling this much pain.

I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. last night, but I couldn't go to sleep til 1am and then I woke up a little after 5a.m. The night he died just kept replaying in my head; trying to remember if he said anything as I walked out the door. We had already said goodnight and then he asked me for the plastic cup and we discussed that, so I just don't remember yet what the last thing he said to me was.

I always thought life was great here on earth, but it is totally different now and it's not so great anymore. I really miss him and I just want us back.

I hear so many stories of women whose husbands have died and shortly after, their husbands are giving them "signs". Well, I don't know if I even believe that could or would happen because I can't find any basis for that in the Bible. I do know Steve isn't giving me any signs.

I have a feeling this is going to be a really long battle and a few days ago, I thought I might be able to fight it, but today I don't even want to fight this battle anymore. I'm tired and I just want him back. I want God ,in all his power, to just put him back in the middle of my living room and let him stay.

His Bible

I went through Steve's Bibles tonight and found a letter I had written to him in July 1996; we had only been married 6 months. The first year of our marriage was pretty rough, but no one that knows us would ever know that. We had a better marriage than everyone we knew. We even considered writing a book about marriage from our perspective.

I also found a page where Steve had written a list of baby boy names. I used to write out baby names that we were considering, but I didn't know he did. He wanted to name a boy Stephen Wesley. As a matter of fact, it was just while he was in the hospital that he was telling our oldest daughter that we had picked that name if we had another boy.

Tomorrow will be one month since he died, I miss him like crazy. Worse, I know that I will never stop missing him; this feeling is here forever. A lot of things might get easier, but missing him won't.

Family dynamics

Nothing can prepare you for the craziness that happens within your family after you lose your spouse. The majority of our family has been great, but I'm noticing there are 4 factions.

The "I want to help you" group, this is where the majority of my family falls. They are doing anything and everything they can to help me and I know I can count on them to continue as long as I need them.

The "I want to help you, BUT" group. These are the people who really would like to help but they can't really come around as often as they would like to because of work, distance, or other priorities. I have a couple of these family members and I understand where they are coming from

The "I want" group. Unfortunately some of these have surfaced. This is pretty self-explanatory, but I'll dive in just a little bit. There are some who want to tell me what I should be doing. There are some who want me to give them things that belonged to Steve.

Finally, the "when is all the attention going to get off you and back on me" group. These are definitely interesting people. I certainly would not wish this kind of attention on my worst enemy. I would gladly give it all up to have Steve back.

Some family has chosen to pretend that my girls and I are not here anymore either and that's o.k. If it makes it easier on them to deal with.

I am forever grateful to the members of my family and my friends who have done everything they can to continue to help us through this. I can't mention you all by name now, because that would just be awkward if I forgot one, you would think I put you in another category.

Starting

I'm starting to figure out that days will pass, whether I'm ready or not. Life will happen, whether I'm participating or not. So, I'm making choices to continue our lives, as hard as it is to do without Steve. Honestly, a lot of times, there doesn't seem to be much point to any of it without him. But, I know the clock is ticking and there is a lot to be done. I'm beginning to make some plans for the future. I want to make a difference in the world. One of my favorite quotes is "If your presence doesn't make an impact, you're absence won't make a difference." Steve's presence definitely made an impact and his absence has definitely made a difference. I need to find a way for him to remain present.

I've been thinking about Steve's ministry.  He was very talkative and that worked great for his ability to minister to people. I'm not talkative at all! As a matter of fact, I would much rather just text someone than have to actually talk. He used his love for motorcycles to be involved with the Christian Motorcycle Association and he loved the opportunities for ministry there. I don't think he ever told anyone, other than me, but he really wanted to become an evangelist for The CMA; he just couldn't work towards that goal yet because of our financial situation.

The CMA puts on an event every year called Run for the Son where they raise money to donate to three Christian charities.
1. Open Doors
2. The Jesus Film
3. Missionary Ventures

The video explains each charity and what they do.
Steve told me that on average every dollar that is donated to Run for the Son means 1 person is brought to Christ. That's an amazing return on investment, in my opinion. $1 = 1 soul.

I'm explaining all of this to say that I will be adding a donation button on this blog and our company website as soon as I can get the website people to do it. The donation button will allow you to donate to Run for the Son, in memory of Steve. I'll notify everyone when the button has been added.

This is Steve during Blessing of the Bikes 2012. Steve is the bald guy in the blue shirt and black sunglasses.

"Hope in Front of Me"

So, I ordered Danny Gokey's book "Hope in Front of Me" and I began reading it this morning; I'm on chapter 8 now. It always amazes me when other people have experienced what I'm going through and we all end up with the same questions and similar regrets. He said something in chapter 5 "Faith held on to me because I no longer had the strength or the will to hold on to it."  That hit me like a ton of bricks because I know that is where I have been in all of this. I am slowly beginning to accept that I will not get the answers and it is ALWAYS going to seem like we were robbed of what should have been. I know I should just be thankful for the time we had, but I'm just too selfish for that right now. I'm accepting that in order to keep from going crazy I am going to have to stay incredibly busy. Most of all I'm starting to accept that even though I'm mad, there is some reason I'm still here. I have no idea why yet, but there has to be a reason and I need to find what that reason is. I need to raise these kids the way Steve would have helped me raise them; now I just do it alone. These realizations do not change much; I'm crying as I write this. The realizations simply give me another reason to get up and function every day.

I have been telling myself that no matter what, I have to trust that God has some plan, as bad as I think this plan sucks, I'm not God. This internal conversation keeps me held together about 75% of the time now.

The Widow Club

I had an o.k. day today, even thought I woke up way too early. I had a lot of business to deal with. My to do list was pretty long and I finally got my hair colored. It's amazing how much you simply don't care about your hair in times like this.

I came home and my brother was working on the bathroom remodel that Steve didn't get to finish. I had a good talk with him and his girlfriend. People that have never lost a spouse to death just do not have the ability to comprehend what you are going through. That doesn't mean they don't care or they don't try; they just can't. My brother lost his wife when he was 24 years old, so he gets it ( I know what you're thinking; how in the world does this happen twice in one family). There are very few people my age who understand, and even fewer with my belief system who are close to my age. This is a very lonely process. As crazy as it sounds, it really helps to be able to talk to someone who has been there and experienced the exact same thoughts and regrets that I am experiencing right now. Everyone tells me there will be a time that it won't sting so much, but most of those people haven't lost a spouse. My brother is 19 years out and he said a day doesn't go by that he doesn't think of her STILL, but it doesn't hurt so bad anymore. I really want to get to the point that I can remember Steve and just be happy that I had him; leaving all the regrets and what if's and questions in the past. I don't know how long it will take, but at least I have some hope that it may one day happen.

Sometimes, I think my questions are going to drive me insane.

Beloved

"Here is what Steve put on my Facebook wall September 4, 2012. 
You have captured my heart,
my treasure, my bride.
You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,
with a single jewel of your necklace.
Your love delights me,
my treasure, my bride.
Your love is better than wine,
your perfume more fragrant than spices.
Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride.
Honey and milk are under your tongue.
Song of Solomon 4:9-11

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you have a wonderful day, anything I can do to make it Great just let me know.
I love you my Beloved."

He always called me his Beloved; Amy means Beloved. For the past couple of years I have been planning to have Beloved tattooed on my foot, but I was just trying to decide exactly how I wanted it. About 6 months ago, Steve and I had a discussion about using both of our thumbprints to make the B. This is another big regret, that I didn't do it while he was here. He would have loved to take me to do it. 
I realize a lot of you probably don't agree with tattoo's and that is fine. When I read the Bible, I see that it's not o.k. to get a tattoo in remembrance of the dead and when Jesus returns he will have something written on his thigh. So, I may still get the word beloved tattooed on my foot, but now I plan to put his fingerprint on a necklace. 

I really wish I could have these memories and just be thankful for being able to have them, but again it all leads back to realizing how good he was to me and thinking of a thousand things I should have done for him. 





  

Death Certificate

Today it has been 3 weeks since Steve died. At this very moment, three weeks ago, a team full of people were performing CPR and I was calling people while driving frantically to get back to him. They finally called me and said the Death Certificates were ready so I went to pick them up today. I cannot describe this feeling. Being in that funeral home was overwhelming. The last time I was in there, I stood over his body, holding his hand for an hour; trying to figure out how to let go.

I am trying to get stronger. I keep trying to tell myself that God has a plan and my life is not over. I keep trying to tell myself that I will not be depressed forever and eventually I will see joy in this life without him. Sometimes, for a few minutes, I can convince myself. Mostly, I just deal with regretting and questioning so much.

Sleep

Today has been tough. I didn't sleep well and I woke up too early. Obviously, sleeping is easier than being awake, so being able to sleep well would be nice. The only appointment I had today got cancelled, so that left me sitting here all day with nothing to do but think. Adison called and asked if we wanted to go see a movie, so we decided to do that.

I took the girls to Wal-mart to get candy for the movie and a birthday card for my Mom. I seriously hate going to the store now. EVERYTHING reminds me of something. I got to the card isle and the birthday cards for Mom's are right next to the birthday cards for wives. Steve always got me a birthday card and he always wrote something very sweet in it. This year he was in the hospital on my birthday, so there was no birthday card. We were going to get a couples massage for my birthday, but never had the chance. I finally got out of the card isle and went to the candy isle. First thing that jumps out at me is Wintergreen Life Savers. When Steve first went into the hospital, he had a very sore throat and a bad cough. The nurses would only give him one cough drop every two hours, so he had me sneak him sugar free wintergreen life savers because they would help his throat. He never needed them after surgery because the cough and sore throat were gone.

As we sat down in the movie theatre tonight, I remembered that the last movie Steve and I took the girls to see was Planes. When we left the theatre, there were posters up for Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2 and the girls got in the car chattering about how they wanted to see it as soon as it came out. We told them we would take them to see it. So, today I took them without him.

Have you ever had a day where you just question EVERYTHING; even things you knew to be true just yesterday. Today has been that day for me. I have not been able to keep my mind busy enough today to stop thinking about it all. The horrible images of them performing CPR are branded in my mind and I hate thinking about it. I would love to be able to just believe and accept that he died with no pain, but the truth is,I have no idea because no one knows what happened. I have no idea if he felt everything they were doing. I want to believe he heard me praying and telling him I love him, but if he heard that then that means he had to have felt the pain of them working on him.