Since my life has become undone, I find myself being unable to plan anything. The problem is not that I'm too busy with work or have such a social life, I can't fit anything in; the problem is planning requires thought. Thought requires consciously admitting that my plans will no longer include my husband.
My Mom and I were talking about Thanksgiving dinner the other day and she needed to count how many people would be there. I immediately began what I always do, I count by family household and I start with counting my 4 ... then it hits me that now it's 3 and I am completely overwhelmed again. I wanted to order tickets to a friends event, and before I thought about it I said I need 4 tickets but as soon as I sent the message IT HIT ME, I only need 3 tickets now.
Right or wrong, it has become necessary for me to only consider the moment I am in. Thinking about tomorrow or next week is too difficult and if I even consider what happens in a few years when my girls are grown and gone, IT ALL UNRAVELS. Now is all I can even begin to accept and live in. I think it's an improvement, a small one, but still an improvement over living every second in the past.
Sun
Stand in the Sun with Me
Friday, November 29, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Romans 8:26
I feel the need to write, I just don't know what to say. I think I'm finally accepting that I may never know why it seems our faith didn't work. I'm just NOT accepting the fact that he's not here with me, very well. I still wish I knew what was going through his mind those last few seconds and moments. I wish I knew a lot of things.
Since this is Thanksgiving week, I've been trying to make myself figure out what I have to be grateful for besides the obvious answers, such as the family I have left. The only thing I can come up with right now is that I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit. Without it, I don't know where I'd be. There are days when I just can't find words to express and I know the only way anything gets through to God is by the spirit.
Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what to pray as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh request for us with sighs, which cannot be expressed.
I am also grateful for people who purpose to pray for us. I read another blog that said it so perfectly, "Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out." It is exactly like that. There are people that I have never even met or some I haven't seen in years that text or facebook message me just to let me know they are praying; that means more than I can ever say.
Since this is Thanksgiving week, I've been trying to make myself figure out what I have to be grateful for besides the obvious answers, such as the family I have left. The only thing I can come up with right now is that I'm grateful for the Holy Spirit. Without it, I don't know where I'd be. There are days when I just can't find words to express and I know the only way anything gets through to God is by the spirit.
Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what to pray as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh request for us with sighs, which cannot be expressed.
I am also grateful for people who purpose to pray for us. I read another blog that said it so perfectly, "Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out." It is exactly like that. There are people that I have never even met or some I haven't seen in years that text or facebook message me just to let me know they are praying; that means more than I can ever say.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
"Is Steve there"
Shouldn't it get easier with every time I have to explain. It doesn't. People call the office, I answer and hear "Is Steve there?" Some days I still can't through the explanation, especially this past few days.
Once they hear the news, the next question is "what happened." I can't even begin to answer this question. I HAVE NO IDEA! GOD, I WISH I KNEW!!!!
Instead of getting easier it is getting harder. It's harder to get the mail and see that it is addressed to Steve Ashbrook. It's harder to have to check his email to see if anything important came in. It's harder to get on facebook and see married to Steve Ashbrook. It's hardest to wake up in the morning and realize he's not right there next to me. Especially after I've just dreamed that he didn't die.
In the beginning I was in a fog and just automating my way through every day, I think it's getting harder because the fog is lifting.
Once they hear the news, the next question is "what happened." I can't even begin to answer this question. I HAVE NO IDEA! GOD, I WISH I KNEW!!!!
Instead of getting easier it is getting harder. It's harder to get the mail and see that it is addressed to Steve Ashbrook. It's harder to have to check his email to see if anything important came in. It's harder to get on facebook and see married to Steve Ashbrook. It's hardest to wake up in the morning and realize he's not right there next to me. Especially after I've just dreamed that he didn't die.
In the beginning I was in a fog and just automating my way through every day, I think it's getting harder because the fog is lifting.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Wouldn't you be happy
Wouldn't you be happy if your husband stopped keeping you awake with his loud snoring
Would it make your life easier to not have to pick up after him all the time.
How nice would it be if you didn't have to ask his opinion before you spent that money. Just imagine not having to deal with toilet seats being left up, his alarm going off after he's already left, or having to check in with him while you're out shopping .
Trust me, it wouldn't make you happy. I would give ANYTHING to have any of these complaints. Be grateful for what you have, someday it will be GONE!
Would it make your life easier to not have to pick up after him all the time.
How nice would it be if you didn't have to ask his opinion before you spent that money. Just imagine not having to deal with toilet seats being left up, his alarm going off after he's already left, or having to check in with him while you're out shopping .
Trust me, it wouldn't make you happy. I would give ANYTHING to have any of these complaints. Be grateful for what you have, someday it will be GONE!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
The Silence is Broken
I have cried, begged, and screamed with God to help me; give me something to hold onto. I was thinking yesterday that there have been lots of times in my life, I can say I think God did this or did that. Maybe a few times, I can even say it "seems" like God said this or that. But, I could only think of 2 times in my entire life, that I absolutely KNEW that God said something to me; both times were through prophecy. I've been trying to figure out why it seems like God has been silent when I need him most. He may not be silent, but I haven't been able to hear him.
I have no idea how, but somehow I ended up on the facebook page of a church about an hour from me. I went from their facebook page to their website and then from their website to their youtube channel. The first video I clicked on was a woman who explained the story of her 13 year old son's illness and death. He had died 2 days before this video was recorded. Somehow, she stood in front of that church declaring that "God is Good." The more I listened the more I knew I needed to visit that church.
Tonight, I drove to that church. While I'm standing there during worship, one of the Pastor's came up to me and said God told her to tell me that He didn't do this and He loves me. There were other things God said, but what I'm focusing on right now is just that God wanted to tell me He didn't do this and He loves me. I understand that this is the most basic information to everyone else right now and I realize that the Bible says the same thing all throughout it. The bible also says "by his stripes we are healed." Jesus gave anyone who believed in him spiritual authority over the devil. But, after we believed for Steve's healing and he passed away anyway, I have found it very difficult to believe even the basic stuff. I have been broken and the foundation of my faith has been shaken.
I have been grieving two separate things. I have been grieving Steve, but I've also been grieving the security I felt in my belief system . There is nothing that can be done about the grief I feel over Steve, that is going to be a part of me. Three months ago, I didn't have many questions about my faith, eternity, healing, etc. On Sept 11, 2013 questions I had never even thought of before overwhelmed me. Every question leads to another question and no definitive answers were given. I knew I was starting over, not only physically but spiritually too. Finally, the foundation is beginning to be re-built. I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but at least the silence has been broken. I'm back at the beginning, but that's farther than I was.
I have no idea how, but somehow I ended up on the facebook page of a church about an hour from me. I went from their facebook page to their website and then from their website to their youtube channel. The first video I clicked on was a woman who explained the story of her 13 year old son's illness and death. He had died 2 days before this video was recorded. Somehow, she stood in front of that church declaring that "God is Good." The more I listened the more I knew I needed to visit that church.
Tonight, I drove to that church. While I'm standing there during worship, one of the Pastor's came up to me and said God told her to tell me that He didn't do this and He loves me. There were other things God said, but what I'm focusing on right now is just that God wanted to tell me He didn't do this and He loves me. I understand that this is the most basic information to everyone else right now and I realize that the Bible says the same thing all throughout it. The bible also says "by his stripes we are healed." Jesus gave anyone who believed in him spiritual authority over the devil. But, after we believed for Steve's healing and he passed away anyway, I have found it very difficult to believe even the basic stuff. I have been broken and the foundation of my faith has been shaken.
I have been grieving two separate things. I have been grieving Steve, but I've also been grieving the security I felt in my belief system . There is nothing that can be done about the grief I feel over Steve, that is going to be a part of me. Three months ago, I didn't have many questions about my faith, eternity, healing, etc. On Sept 11, 2013 questions I had never even thought of before overwhelmed me. Every question leads to another question and no definitive answers were given. I knew I was starting over, not only physically but spiritually too. Finally, the foundation is beginning to be re-built. I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but at least the silence has been broken. I'm back at the beginning, but that's farther than I was.
Monday, November 11, 2013
2 Months
Today is the 2 month mark. I really wish I could just lose track of dates because the fact that the 11th of the month is coming hits me way before the 11th, then I just count down the days. What else do I have to do anyway.
I have sincerely been trying to get God to show me some things. I'm not talking crazy like God audibly speaking to me things. I'm talking about the kind of things I've have heard my whole life and I've been reading in books for the past 2 months. People having these major epiphany's with God where they finally grasp something and find themselves able to move on even though it hurts. People who have said, just ask God to give you peace, scriptures saying he will give you beauty for ashes, etc. Well, I'm still waiting. I don't ever stop asking, reading, searching. I realize it most people's worlds 2 months isn't that long; for me it has been eternity. When every second and every breath brings pain, 2 months is excruciating.
I am not a stranger to faith struggles, we prayed for years to be able to have a baby; we prayed for years for Steve's healing of diabetes. Since God doesn't lie, I have to come to one of two conclusions, either our faith was somehow never enough or it's like the Hebrews 11 thing where we were never going to get the healing until we were in Heaven. Why do some people get it here? I have no idea. Why do horrible people get to be pregnant and have healthy children; people who never wanted kids in the first place. I have no idea. Why did I see so much more healing, prophesy, and movement of God as a child than I do now? I have no idea.
It's disturbing to me to not know the answers to any of this. I know that God's thoughts are higher than ours and some things are to remain a mystery, but somehow I just don't believe that we are supposed to know less now than before or that we are supposed to witness the works of God less now than we did before. I don't know what the answer is. I thought it was all just a matter of faith, but it seems that something else has to be involved. I don't know what it is, but I'm not happy with the knowledge that some people have the revelation and I don't. I don't know how long it will take, but God's eventually going to let me in on the secret.
I have sincerely been trying to get God to show me some things. I'm not talking crazy like God audibly speaking to me things. I'm talking about the kind of things I've have heard my whole life and I've been reading in books for the past 2 months. People having these major epiphany's with God where they finally grasp something and find themselves able to move on even though it hurts. People who have said, just ask God to give you peace, scriptures saying he will give you beauty for ashes, etc. Well, I'm still waiting. I don't ever stop asking, reading, searching. I realize it most people's worlds 2 months isn't that long; for me it has been eternity. When every second and every breath brings pain, 2 months is excruciating.
I am not a stranger to faith struggles, we prayed for years to be able to have a baby; we prayed for years for Steve's healing of diabetes. Since God doesn't lie, I have to come to one of two conclusions, either our faith was somehow never enough or it's like the Hebrews 11 thing where we were never going to get the healing until we were in Heaven. Why do some people get it here? I have no idea. Why do horrible people get to be pregnant and have healthy children; people who never wanted kids in the first place. I have no idea. Why did I see so much more healing, prophesy, and movement of God as a child than I do now? I have no idea.
It's disturbing to me to not know the answers to any of this. I know that God's thoughts are higher than ours and some things are to remain a mystery, but somehow I just don't believe that we are supposed to know less now than before or that we are supposed to witness the works of God less now than we did before. I don't know what the answer is. I thought it was all just a matter of faith, but it seems that something else has to be involved. I don't know what it is, but I'm not happy with the knowledge that some people have the revelation and I don't. I don't know how long it will take, but God's eventually going to let me in on the secret.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Future
I used to make plans for the future; I used to be able to see myself in the future.I can't even visualize it anymore. I don't know if it's just a grief thing or what. When I try to make a future plan, I can't do it.
Lately, reality doesn't seem real. I feel like I'm watching days go by and not really living in them. We can be busy some days, but it doesn't take away how empty our lives are. It seems unbelievable, to some I'm sure, that one person can fulfill that much, but Steve did. I dream about him a lot now and the dreams have changed. At first when I would dream about him, I knew he was gone and something was separating us. Now we are always very close and sometimes we even talk about how he almost died, but didn't. Nothing separates us in my dreams anymore, I just wake up. God, I really really wish those dreams were my reality and I didn't have to wake up from them.
Lately, reality doesn't seem real. I feel like I'm watching days go by and not really living in them. We can be busy some days, but it doesn't take away how empty our lives are. It seems unbelievable, to some I'm sure, that one person can fulfill that much, but Steve did. I dream about him a lot now and the dreams have changed. At first when I would dream about him, I knew he was gone and something was separating us. Now we are always very close and sometimes we even talk about how he almost died, but didn't. Nothing separates us in my dreams anymore, I just wake up. God, I really really wish those dreams were my reality and I didn't have to wake up from them.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Stuck
Still trying to pull myself through this. I'm not sure what to do next; everything is up in the air for me. Some days I feel like just jumping on a plane and taking off. Emotions are insane; when one thing gets the best of me then it all falls apart.
I've been asking God for a lot of help with this and for the most part I think I'm getting some help. There are just some days, like today, that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, it's a horrible day.
I'm trying to envision doing something with my life, but it's just not happening right now. I'm stuck!
I really want to be able to move on and try to find some way to be happy while I'm on earth. Counselor's say I haven't given it enough time yet, just let myself grieve. I don't seem to have any choice in the matter anyway, grief has a mind of it's own.
I've been asking God for a lot of help with this and for the most part I think I'm getting some help. There are just some days, like today, that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, it's a horrible day.
I'm trying to envision doing something with my life, but it's just not happening right now. I'm stuck!
I really want to be able to move on and try to find some way to be happy while I'm on earth. Counselor's say I haven't given it enough time yet, just let myself grieve. I don't seem to have any choice in the matter anyway, grief has a mind of it's own.
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