It has been two and half years since the last time I heard "I love you" come from the lips of the man I thought I would be with forever. A lot of life has happened in that time span and a lot of grieving has been done. I do not pretend that the pain will ever completely end; there are moments that make it hard to breathe, but those moments are fewer now. Now, I can look back at memories of him and just be happy that I experienced the life I did, with him. It's true that some things fade with time, but the thing that really doesn't fade is ME. Who I am is a direct result of who we were together. You cannot take a 17 year old girl and give her 19 years with someone and expect her to come away the same way she went in. Steve and I created a beautiful life and marriage; it took a lot of years to get it there, but it was beautiful. Every cell that makes up me is born from the strands of DNA that made up US. He died earlier than anyone ever expected and when he died I went into full on identity crisis mode. I have mourned the loss of him, and of course I still miss him, but the pain that still stings the most is that I miss what I was to him. I didn't sign up for an identity change, I was just thrust into one. My identity was so intertwined with my marriage that apart from Steve, I didn't know who I was and I certainly didn't like what I was feeling.
As Steve's wife: I was needed, not in the make me dinner sense of needed; he depended on me to do everything in this life together. I was wanted, he wanted to be with me 24/7. We never wanted a break from each other. I was the most important person on this planet to him, there was absolutely nothing that man would not do to for me. He supported me with everything I did; he always had my back. He was proud of our relationship; he loved the fact that everyone thought we were newlyweds. I was protected and I belonged to him, he wasn't like a jealous husband type, but he was a fierce defender and always felt safe with him. The bond between us was unbreakable. The connection we had was incomprehensible.
When he died, who I was seemed to be dying too. I was no longer needed or wanted in the same way anymore. I was no longer the most important person on the planet to anyone. I was alone, scared, and belonged to no one. After months of dealing with all of these emotions, I started to develop the tough exterior everyone could look at and feel like I was fine. People could understand my grief in dealing with the loss of my husband, but most people couldn't grasp the grief I felt from dealing with the loss of my identity.
I think when a someone experiences a love that went the depths of mine and Steve's and then they lose it, they often choose to put up walls and protect themselves from the possibility of that kind of pain again. I know I tried to build an impenetrable wall; love, like what I had, comes at the impossible cost of grief like this.
I discovered that no matter how hard I tried to build that wall, I couldn't build it high enough. We are made to connect, we are made to love. Take it all the way back to the beginning when God made Eve because it was not good for man to be alone and sprinkled everywhere you look throughout the Bible, connection is vitally important.
What I am trying to say is that I can now think about Steve and be grateful to have had him the time that I did; I can even look at all the mistakes I made (and I remember new ones, all the time) and the regret I have and I can keep myself from dwelling on them to the point of obsession. They are things that will forever bother me, but I can move past them. What I have had the most trouble processing is the loss of who I was to him. But, what I realized is that who I was with him on September 11, 2013 took years and years to become. On December 9, 1995, I was a very different person. It took a long time to build that kind of connection between us. It took years and years of learning each other to be able to sit across a room and know with one glance what he was thinking. It took a very long time for me to realize that he was my rock and he was why I felt safe. None of those things happened overnight. While it seems like I completely understand that concept, I'll tell you it is hard to look at what Steve and I built over all those years and see that it just vanished in a moment. It's so hard to think about allowing myself to be that vulnerable again.
So the real question is, what if I spend years building all of this again with Joey and it vanishes; I've set myself up to pay the same price I paid before. Is it harder to allow yourself to be that vulnerable the second time around, YES! Yes, it's harder, but only because this time it's deliberate and you know the cost. The first time, I was immature and naive and I had no idea what I was doing. It was the grace of God and our determination that got us where we were. This time, I walk into a relationship with my eyes wide open, my heart having been ripped from my chest and returned with a piece missing, knowing that when this ends one of us will be paying the ultimate price for loving the other. It probably all sounds so haunting when you read it, but it speaks to me of the amazing ability for the heart to keep beating and the spirit to continue to want that deep connection. Believe me, I tried so hard to stay alone. But God, had other plans and I decided that if I was going to LOVE someone again, I was going to do my best to have the least amount of regrets possible.
It's different once you have had an amazing love story and lost it. Your fears change from being afraid of losing someone (that's still there to some degree) to a different kind of fear. I have already been through the most painful tragedy a human can face and I survived. I am a different person because of the lessons I learned through the pain. It may sound cold in some way, but I know that one day I will lose Joey or he will lose me; death is a fact of life. My biggest goal is to spend the time we do have together building a life of love, enjoying the journey, and when it's finished, having the least amount of regrets as possible. I now have a better comprehension of how important it is to show love in the way your partner sees it. As a result of what I've been through I've learned that when it's all said and done, if I'm the one left standing here I will ask myself "Did I put him first, Did I focus on what he loved to do, Did he know how much I loved him." I have a different perspective on life and love now. My love is much more deliberate than before. While, it is still a feeling, I choose to make it more about his feelings than mine. Now that I know how strong of a bond two people are capable of having, how deep the connection can go, I'm excited to see my relationship with Joey develop deeper roots over time. We have poured the foundation to build a beautiful life together. After all, It's the journey, not the destination.