Many people talk about Chapter 2 love being different, but what is the difference? There are a lot of differences, but the most obvious difference
is that you LOVE HARDER. There is an
awareness you never had before of how easily this can all be taken, so you do
much more than you ever thought of doing before to preserve it. You also really do learn not to sweat the small stuff. Maybe it's because you are so much more aware of what the big stuff is. You become very intentional.
It’s no secret that I, like many widows, live my life
through a lens of regret now. That perspective shapes everything in the present
and future. I do not make one single decision anymore without thinking about
what regrets I might have later. It could be classified as fear, but I think of
it more as a past experience I never want to repeat. We will all die, it’s inevitable;
but, if you have to outlive those closest to you, minimize the regrets.
I want my life to prove to everyone who knows me that school
is important and work is important, but NOTHING is as important as the people I
love. I would give up everything I want
in life to make them happy.
I was thinking about a conversation Steve and I had in which
I thought he may need a medical device and he didn’t want it. His basic
position was that it would reduce his quality of life for two reasons, 1. He
couldn’t easily snuggle up to me at night. 2. He wouldn’t be able to sleep. My
position was that if he needed it and didn’t get it then his quantity of life
may be shortened. Now, I really don’t know if him not having it had anything at
all to do with the outcome; probably not. There is also the possibility that
the device could have improved the quality of his life too, I don’t know. The
point is that Steve felt like it was a quality of life issue and it was quality
of life versus quantity of life, he was all about QUALITY. I spent a lot of
time trying to increase quantity of life and it didn’t work. * In hindsight, I
can see that quality trumps quantity. Length of life is definitely important, but
happiness is MOST important.
I often took for granted that Steve knew how much I loved
him and wanted to be with him. Now, I
wish I could look back and think of all the times I intentionally proved my
love to him.
The biggest difference between past and present is that
now I try to intentionally make love my highest priority.
*I’m not advocating
for anyone to stop using medications and medical devices.
