Numb

I think I have entered a numb phase; basically attempting to ignore reality as much as possible and still function. I know it will catch up to me, but I don't want to deal with any part of this. Of course, every once in a while I will have a random memory that stops me in my tracks. But, if I try to deal with it all right now, I just end up questioning everything and regretting everything. Today, I remembered a few minutes that could have been when Steve had the massive heart attack. I had the thought at that time, that I was just going to take him to the hospital, but the pain went away rather quickly so, we just blew it off as Acid Reflux. If I had insisted that we go, he could still be alive right now. Steve wasn't the type to say that he needed to go to the hospital, but he always wouldn't have refused if I said I wanted him to go. Regrets like this are why I have to try to remain numb. My kids need the only parent they have left to be present and functional.

There are some things I have to face and make decisions on. We still have to choose the headstone for the grave and decide what it should say. How do I reduce what needs to be said to a few characters on a piece of stone?

Angel's Birthday

This morning was tough because I had another one of those was it a dream or reality nights, and I needed Steve. I gave Angel the gifts we had chosen for her and then we went to Church. Church is still hard for me; walking into the building without him feels like I can't catch my breath. After church, our friends Chrissy and Shawn took us to lunch. My brother came and worked on the bathroom. Adison came to hang out with us for Angel's birthday. A friend, Lacey, has started going to dinner with me on Sunday nights, after I drop the girls off to Awana. So I have been kept too busy most of the day to think a lot.

However, there were a lot of times today, that I noticed myself talking about Steve. I also had to fill something out online and one of the questions was Married or Single? There was no option for widowed and marking SINGLE doesn't feel right to me.

Memories everywhere

Today started off o.k. I had another dream about Steve last night, but the frustrating thing is that I can't remember anything about it. Sometimes, I start dreaming about him and then I wake up and can't remember what I dreamed. It's upsetting because dreams are the closest I get to him now and I want to remember. One of our favorite movies was the Demi Moore Movie, Ghost. You have no idea how many times I've wished that could happen.

I picked up Angel's friends and we went to the Science Center to have a build a bear party and look around. The party went good and they had a great time. But, the hospital that my husband died in is right by the Science Center. When I pulled onto Kingshighway I looked over there and it took everything I had to hold it together. The whole drive from Kingshighway to Lindbergh I was replaying that night in my mind. Lindbergh is where I turned around right after the doctor called me. That drive seemed like it took forever; I guess it did take forever.

After we took her friends home, Angel wanted to go to Fazolis for dinner. I took her and Jamie and we met Adison, Jessi, and Aleyce over there. As I was sitting there, I couldn't hold it together anymore. On September 3, 1995 we took my parents and his parents to this same Fazolis and announced our engagement. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to have to move far away to be able to try to move on;18 years of our lives built here is a lot to try to "move on" from. Most of the time I know I can't leave where 18 years of our lives have been built because even though it's not HOME without him, it's still the closest thing to  home we have.

The girls don't really seem to be grieving. Jamie cried in the beginning and Angel said she was sad, but didn't want to cry. I have noticed that Angel is clinging to Adison more now and she often puts her head on my chest to hear my heartbeat. I think she's concerned, but doesn't want to talk about it. Steve's symptoms started with a cough and now if I cough Angel wants to know why I'm coughing. They shouldn't have to go through life without a Dad, especially the father that Steve was.

Physical Pain

Since Steve died I have dealt with so many emotions and feelings, but one of them has been that my chest physically hurts. I was praying and holding his foot while they were attempting to bring him back and one of the times that they said "clear" it just didn't register and I didn't "clear". I felt the jolt go through my arm and as the night went on I felt very odd. My husband just died, so of course I felt bad. I felt like I was going to throw up most of the time. The next morning, I experienced something that I have no idea how to explain. Sometimes, I dream very vividly and I used to have to ask Steve if I dreamed it or it happened. Well, I assume I dreamed this, but my heart was racing and I was dying. I felt myself leaving my body and then coming back. It happened three times. I was thinking, I can't die laying here next to my kids. When I woke up, I didn't know if it was a dream or it really happened or what, but I still felt weird. I have physically felt chest pain since he died. I have no idea why, but I'm finding out that it is a normal thing. Apparently being this emotionally heartbroken can manifest itself with physical pain. 

I looked at a house today. I'm not ready to sell this one, but I think we probably need to move. I find myself constantly wondering what Steve would do, if the roles were reversed. Then regretting that we never discussed any of this, but why would we.  I told him countless times that God knew what he was doing when he put us together, no one could have been more perfect for me or fit more perfectly into my family. As unlikely as it seems that a 17 year old girl and a 24 year old divorced father would be a perfect match; we were perfect for each other.  He always said it was a God thing. 

The questions are infinite, but  the worst part about it all is that my heart left me when he died. I can't figure out why he didn't fight his way back to me. But, because he didn't come back to me, I have to keep going as an incomplete as I am. 

Obituary

Most of the time I feel numb. I'm just going through the motions attempting to keep it together every day. I try my hardest not to think about it until there's no way around it.

Last night I woke up sometime in the night absolutely terrified. I have no idea why; I assume I had a dream, but I don't remember it. All I could think about was Steve, and for the entire day I have felt like something is wrong (other than the fact that my husband died). I don't know what it is, but I can't shake it. 

The obituary came out in the paper today and people started calling asking what happened. I have gotten pretty good at holding it together in front of people; I don't fall apart until I'm home. The Leader called and wants to do a story on Steve's life, so they asked me a lot of questions. When I got home and pulled the Leader out of the mailbox, I started crying before I ever saw the obituary page. I knew it was there, but seeing it brings another level of reality that I'm not ready to face. 

I feel like my head and my heart are at odds again. Part of me knows that Steve doesn't even care what is happening here and he's not giving any of us a second thought. But, if I keep myself busy and do whatever I can NOT to think about him, I feel guilty for not thinking about him every second.  I don't want to forget anything about him and I'm so afraid I will forget something. I don't want time to minimize what we shared and even though I have no choice, I can't seem to let it go. There are times it still just doesn't feel real; I actually picked up my phone intending to call someone else today and I called Steve's phone. I have no idea how long it will take for me to face total reality, but I know I haven't completely faced it yet.  

Fixer

I was born into a Christian family; my parents are pastors. I have known about God my whole life. Sometimes, I think that makes things a little harder. A lot of people have a MOMENT when they realize they need God and then they give their life to him. I just knew, there wasn't a MOMENT that brought me to a realization that I needed God, I always knew.
I have always been a "fixer." My personality just makes me want to fix problems for people. There has really never been a time that I felt incapable of finding an answer or helping someone through a problem. I have always known that there is a way to fix whatever the problem is, I just have to find the solution.
My whole life, I have "helped" God fix my problems. If myself or a family member is sick, I look up holistic solutions and go to work on trying to remedy the issue. If someone I know has a legal battle, I go to work on helping to remedy the issue. It's just something in me, that feels the need to fix things, UNTIL NOW. Now, I have a problem that I cannot fix. No one can help me fix this. For the first time in my life I can't do ANYTHING to fix it. I find myself having to rely on God completely; trust completely that even though I'm angry, hurt, and questioning Him that somehow he will get me through this.
I still don't know why this happened. I still have so much guilt that if I let myself think about it, I would go insane. I still have no idea how I'm going to make it through all of this loneliness. Somehow, I will continue living, even though I feel like most of me died with him. Somehow, I will get my girls through this with their Faith in God intact. Somehow, I will make this business, we were building, successful. I don't know if I will ever feel like a whole person again, but for the sake of my kids, I'm attempting to do more than just EXIST until I die.

This is how I feel at this moment which is continuously changing.

Red

Our son and daughter in law had decided to give me a pedicure for my late birthday present. Steve was in the hospital on my birthday, so everything was on hold. Today, my daughter in law asked if we could go get the pedicures. I never had a problem picking a color of polish because Steve always liked Red. So, I ALWAYS got red; I liked it too. The whole time we were driving to the nail salon, I thought about the color I would pick. Something so simple is now a major decision to me because now, no one cares what color my nail polish is. I tried to pick another color, just because I have never picked another color. I chose an orange color I thought, but after it was on, it still looks like a red.
As I drove up to my house and looked at the windows, I found myself hoping that I would open the door and see him sitting in his chair. As soon as I walked in the door after a pedicure, he would say "let me see." But, again reality smacks me in the face when I walk into the house and he's not here.

Breath

I start to have moments where I think I might be strong enough to do this and then there are moments that it just seems like I'm watching someone else's life.  Then the breath is literally knocked out of me by the reality of it all
I have been with him since before I even knew who I was. Now, I have no idea who that is because all of me was wrapped up in US. Everything that happens throughout the day, I want to tell him about. I look at my phone expecting to see a text from him and then realize I won't get those anymore. I think the loneliness has overtaken the guilt, at least for now. If you're blessed enough to be married, don't take the time you have together for granted.
If you are blessed enough to be married to your best friend, you know what I'm talking about; there is absolutely nothing in this world that I want to do without him. Everyone says "give it time, it will get a little easier." Maybe the guilt will let up, and maybe I will learn to accept not knowing why, but I don't see how the loneliness gets easier with time. It seems to me, the longer I'm without him, the more it hurts.

11 days

This is the longest amount of time I have gone without seeing him. He went on a motorcycle trip for 10 days once, but we talked on the phone every day. Tonight, I just really miss him. All the other stuff I've been feeling is still there on the sidelines, but the overwhelming feeling is I simply miss him. I miss him holding my hand everywhere we go. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss the way he made me feel. Most of all I miss feeling loved by him.

Should have been date night

Every Sunday we went out to dinner together; 2 hours of just the two of us. Now 5:30 - 7:30 will just be 2 more hours of me without him.

Another morning

I keep trying to figure out why I don't just dream about him. I need something to hold onto besides the image of them frantically trying to save his life or me looking at his body in that funeral home. I finally had a very short dream that he came to kiss me, but he could only kiss me twice because if he kissed me a third time, I would die too. I was trying so hard to get him to kiss me a third time and take me with him and the dream ended.  I wake up to another day without him in it and more questions as to what the point of all this is. Then, I tried to dip a q-tip in the colloidal silver bottle and accidentally dropped it in. Now, I'm crying because I'm realizing that even something so small I would have taken to him for help because he always knew where the tweezers were and I have no idea. I'm sure I can figure out a way to get the qtip out, but he should be here.

In his own words. God forgive me.

Since the Bible is infallible, then my only answer is that I did something wrong. Somehow I prohibited God from fixing this for us. This guilt I feel is too painful.

I found over 70 sermons written by Steve, saved on his laptop. One if them dealt with Hope in hopeless times. If you didn't know Steve personally, this should give you some idea of his level of Faith.  The underlined sections are underlined by me. This is where I see that in order for this to have been able to happen, I had to have stepped out of faith. Here is what he wrote:


Hope
As Christians we don't always have answers.
Sometimes things happen even to us we can't explain.
Jn 10:10 Satan comes to kill steal and destroy

Rom, 8:28 all things work together for good to them that love God.

When something tragic happens the question “Why is this happening to me” come up.
It's not about us!  This life is about Jesus Christ.
Jn. 16:32 ( jesus said)
[32]  But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me.

Jn 16:33 (Jesus said)
[33]  I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

You see in 32 that Jesus warns that trouble is coming, but in 33 says in me you will have peace, and tell them He has overcome the World.

James 1:2-4
 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this , that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

Count it all joy, Hope is an earnest expectation of Good, if we expect good we have hope if we have hope we have joy.

When we are under pressure from life, and trouble comes we speak loudest.
People remember the bad things, the good things we tell them they forget quicker.
The news only plays bad news.

Luke 6:45 says
... for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

So when the trouble comes what are we broadcasting to the World?

 2 Cor. 4:5-18
You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. * This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.
But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” * We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, * will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are * being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Its clear the Great power within us is from God, because we are like clay jars. We are under constant danger, pressed on every side. Trouble is coming.
But our spirits are being renewed every day!
You see when troubles come against us they look bad, but we cant see the canvas God is painting on.
The day of Christs Crucifixion looked like the Worst day ever if you were there.
But we look back and see that it was the greatest day ever for all of creation.
We have to remember when trouble comes, that God is in control.
Lets prepare for trouble

1. Embrace that there is a higher purpose how

2. Hope when trouble comes

3. Use it for His Glory

We need to stop lowering the power of God's word to the level of our experience. We need to raise the level of our experience to the power of God's word.

 This is a saved letter he sent to someone at some point in time, but I have no idea who it was:

 "To answer your question about why do bad things happen to good people is a wide question but I
Will try to answer you the best I can without addressing any specifics.

First we need to see who is the root of these things that happen

 Matthew 4
   1Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil.

   2And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered.

   3And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.


So we see that the "tempter" is Satan and that he even tempted Jesus.
next lets look in

 James 1
13   Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempt he any man:
14But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.


So we see here that God does not tempt us, but we are tempted because of our own doing and the work of Satan.

Lets look another place where we can prove who the cause of our troubles are.

John 10:10 The thief comes to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

If our abundant life were only for heaven, how could the thief or "Satan" steal, kill, and destroy?
He cant this is talking about here and now. So we see that Satans Plan is to Kill us, Steal From us, and Destroy us.
But Christ has come to save and preserve us, to give us abundant life.

1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

This says that when we are tempted God will "make a way of escape" but we have to be serving God,  by reading his Word, and praying so we are use to being in communication with him, so we can hear him when he directs us to that way of escape.

Matthew 26:41
Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

So we see here that we need to be watching out for situations that might lead us into temptation and praying or being in communication with God on a regular basis to keep from temptation, but even so sometimes our flesh is weak and we do fall into it, When this happens we need to seek forgiveness  by Gods Grace.

We all know christian people with struggles, some even in very bad situations right now.
The word says in James 4:2 that we have not because we ask not.
we are also told in James 1 to ask in faith believing and doubt not.
What could be causing some Christians to be struggling?
many get their eyes on the mountain of need instead of what do i need right now. ( not using faith)
Others are also not a good steward of what they are given. ( wasteful and then want God to give more)
Some may not realize Satan has come to steal from them and destroy them, and they have been freed through Christ, and are just taking what Satan brings to them.
So we can see There are many reasons for the conditions we just described.
We are told in the Bible to cast all our cares on the Lord for he cares for us.
But quite often people don't do this they worry and fret over these things and don't have faith in what the Bible says.
When we don't have faith or trust that God will do what his Word says we are outside of faith and in fear.
Fear is the opposite of faith.
You may remember the guy named Job in the Bible and all the things that happened to him. many people only want to point out how Job continued to serve God even during all the bad things that happened, and some then want to blame God for the things that  happened, but if we look at the following verse we can see that Job was outside his faith in God and was in fear.
Job 3:25
For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

below we can see that we are to give all our cares, everything that matters to us to God

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your care upon him; for he cares for you.
Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
We see in Hebrews that when we don't have faith and trust God with our life and our cares that we can not please God
Can you see here these are ways we can let Satan get a foot hold in our life by not trusting God and being in Fear over things?

to put it simply, God works inside of Faith and Satan works inside of fear.

as i told you before the Bible says in Hosea 4:6
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

So if we don't have the Knowledge of God's word, we don't have the knowledge of his will, the knowledge of his promises, or the knowledge of the
authority we have to overcome the attacks Satan plans for us.
How do we get this knowledge?

2 Timothy 2:15 Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that need not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

We have to study the Word of God to attain the knowledge, then we believe, using our Faith in God to prevent us from being destroyed. "


It is devastating to know that the problem is me, but now I have an answer that allows for the sovereignty of God. I'm not sure how I even begin to accept this and keep going, At the time he was in the hospital I thought I was operating in Faith, but looking back I can see times when I was trying to be in faith, but obviously in fear. I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am. I wish I had been stronger for him.

Full of regret

The nights are hard, but the morning is worse. Waking up every day and realizing that this is what my life is now, is almost unbearable. It seems like every day I remember something else that brings more regret. I woke up this morning and remembered that Steve was intending to take the girls birthday shopping for me on September 3 (my birthday is September 4, and he almost always waited til the last minute). Because he was admitted to the hospital that day, he told them he would take them shopping when he got out. We had no idea what was coming and how long he would be in there and the girls kept asking about it. So, on September 11 I told them they could go birthday shopping with my Mom. They went shopping that day and then when they came to see Steve at the hospital later, they brought my presents to the room. He was quiet about it and didn’t say anything. I just assumed he was tired, but looking back now I wonder if it hurt his feelings that I let them go without him. He died that night.

On the same day, the nurse had brought him a recliner into his room so he could sit up for a couple of hours, but he was hurting to bad. He only stayed in it about an hour, then he went back to his bed. I sat down in that chair and started taking care of business stuff. I barely held his hand that day. The day before, I was right next to him, holding his hand, but on the day he died, out of the 12 hours I was there, I only held his hand for probably 10 minutes.

Then of course before I left he said he didn’t want me to go, I stayed another 30 minutes and then left. At least I kissed him goodbye, but then when I left the room he just watched me leave.

I can’t stop wondering what he was thinking throughout the day and after I left. Was he hurt that I sent the girls shopping without him? Was he wishing I would hold his hand, but he didn’t want to bother me? Why was I just so sure he was coming home, that I didn’t think about any of this then? Obviously he doesn’t care now, but what was he thinking right before he died. Even thought he doesn’t care now, that doesn’t stop my regret and wondering if he was sad in the last moments of his life. If he truly understood how much I need him, could he have held on. 

I'm lost and maybe I always was. I don't know

Since I was a child, I have always believed in a God powerful enough to fix anything, even death. I remember when I was 7 and my grandmother died, I continually prayed for resurrection and was shocked when she didn't rise from the dead. Growing up, I've witnessed death and pain and I always told myself one thing or another to make it easier to handle. Now, I find myself in a position where none of my excuses fit. I stood there holding on to him praying and believing that he was going to live and after they said there was nothing more they could do, all I could think is why didn't God fix it and even until now, I have questioned why Lazarus deserved better than Steve. Why didn't God just give him his life back. I have no answers for why he didn't; I have plenty for why he should have.

Matthew 10:8  Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy,drive out demons. Freely you have received; freely give.

Romans 8:11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.


Luke 1:.37 For nothing is impossible with God

Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."


John 5:21 For just as the Father raises the dead and gives them life, even so the Son gives life to whom he is pleased to give it.

Mark 9:23 "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for one who believes."


The list goes on and on, but the question remains why I have always believed these things, but it didn't work.  So, I'm left with doubt that I didn't have before. I still have no doubt about the existence of God, but he doesn't appear to be who I always thought he was. Unless, I'm just not who I thought I was. Maybe I didn't believe, even though I thought I did. We had struggled a lot over the past year with finances and health and I kept saying, I can feel a break through coming; it's going to be o.k. Maybe neither of us knew anything and as much as we thought we were following the will of God and advancing the Kingdom, maybe we weren't. I have no idea anymore. I have never believed that God caused tragedy, but this has made me wonder if maybe it's all my fault, maybe God thought he needed to get through to me about something and this was his way of getting my attention. But again, I never thought God would be that cruel. Now I find myself in a place, where I would have gone to Steve and laid all this out and said I need your help.  There are so many times in just the past week, that I have needed to talk to him and get advice, trying to imagine the rest of my life without him is overwhelming. 

A simple whistle

Steve used to do this kind of whistle, like a dog whistle, when he was trying to find me or the kids in a crowded room. I used to think it was kind of rude, but eventually realized how effective it was, so I just got used to it. He even did it at Mercy hospital, everyone had to go out of the room for some reason and he couldn't reach his phone to call me, so he whistled that dog whistle to let me know to come back in.

Since Steve died, we were staying at my parents because I just couldn't stand to be in the house without him. Since it's been a week, I decided I needed to try to come back home and figure out how to live. We had to go grocery shopping and a guy in the store did the whistle. It's crazy how much it hurts to realize he's never going to be looking for me and whistle like that again.

It got me to thinking about a lot of little things that make him so special and I wonder, if the roles were reversed did I do enough special things that he would remember?  What would he do now?
Someone asked me how Steve would explain God's role in this and my answer is I don't know. We had discussed tragedies like this and I don't recall him ever having an answer.

If there is one thing everyone knew about Steve is that he was not willing to just accept what everyone has taught for years as Gospel. He needed to research and know for sure that it was real and not just something that became indoctrinated into "Christianity hundreds of years ago." Sometimes it drove me nuts to consider all the things that we as Christians have been taught that are wrong, but now I would give anything in the world to see him sitting in the other room in his chair researching it all.

It's been a week.

1. I know I will probably survive this, but the problem at this moment in time, is survival is not much of a consolation when it means surviving without him. Yes, my kids and parents and other family members are important to me and I know I need to be here for all of them. But, I feel like the most important part of me is gone and what is left of me will never be enough.

2. There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. Things from the time we got the diagnosis til his death and other things that I think about like that stupid shower setting I kept griping about. I wish we had taken that last trip we had planned, but didn't go because of money. I wish he hadn't felt the need to sell his bike to pay our bills. I wish I had gone to the office with him more. If, we had walked out of the hospital instead of doing the surgery, would we have had more time? I wish to God that I had stayed in the hospital with him that night, instead of going home.

3. I'm still struggling with God about it all. Why wouldn't He preserve Steve's life? This man was a minister; he was sincerely helping people. Outside of my father, he had more faith than anyone I have ever known. I have tons of scriptures to prove that my husband should have been healed.
People try to give me something to hold onto. They tell me:

A. "It was God's time/will." Well, I know it wasn't. Steve was 44 years old and he was advancing the Kingdom while he was here. God wasn't done with him yet. If it was his time, then we wouldn't have witnessed the miracles that we witnessed that week. By the way, what kind of cruel God would want to make me a 36 year old widow and 4 children fatherless? I don't believe that.

B. "Everyone is predestined by God to die on a certain day and nothing can change it."  This makes no sense to me either, if that were the case then you are saying God predestined babies dying by abortion.  Why would God decide that.

C. "God was saving him from something worse in the future." I can't believe this either because The God I believe in created life; created everything and He would know how to fix every broken thing. If God is all powerful, then he could have fixed this and whatever is in the future.

I have been close to people who have died and I knew it wasn't their time to die, but they had been sick and they were tired of fighting; they just couldn't fight anymore. Steve wasn't tired of fighting. He was making a miraculous recovery and he was scheduled to be moved from the ICU the next morning, he didn't give up. Hundreds of people across the country were standing in faith for his recovery. The only answer I can come up with that makes any kind of since at all is that some unknown thing happened to take his life and in that hour and a half or so of CPR and praying, he was given a choice and he chose to stay in Heaven. I can't tell you how badly that hurts. Yes, I KNOW that heaven is supposed to be better than this and I am fully aware that every Christian is supposed to be striving to sit at the feet of Jesus. But, my life on Earth WAS so good that I cannot fathom being given a choice and choosing to leave him. In my head, I know that heaven should be amazing and the spirit there won't care about the body here, but for some reason that doesn't bring me any comfort. I have known two people that started to die and God sent them back; didn't even give them a choice. I have read books of people who died and actually went to heaven and came back. Why didn't it happen that way? The testimony of that story would be incredible.

Now, all we have is a story of all that was and all that will be missed.