Very rarely something happens that completely takes you by surprise and you just CANNOT believe it's true. Could be a car wreck, a diagnosis,unplanned pregnancy, or a death. That feeling of absolute helplessness in an instant; your heart suddenly stops. That's how I felt when the Doctor's said there was nothing more they could do. That's how I have felt over and over again for months.
I thought I had started to accept that he was gone and I was going to have to figure out how to keep going without him, but apparently I haven't begun to accept it. That whole feeling has just come back instantaneously. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HE WAS TALKING TO ME ONE MINUTE AND GONE 10 MINUTES LATER. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT ME HERE.
Why do I have to go through this intense pain again? How many times am I going to have to start back at the beginning of all this pain?
Sun
Stand in the Sun with Me
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
6 Months
March 11, 2014 was 6 months. I did better than I thought I would, which kind of concerns me. I have remembered some things in the past week that have helped a little. It hasn't helped with the pain of losing Steve, but it has helped with the questions.
I have been looking for the balance between the "have faith and God will do whatever you ask" and "It was God's will" because the first statement didn't prove true and the second, I just don't believe. I remembered a statement I made to a friend once. He does not believe in God and he was asking me why a God would allow so much suffering and I told him that he was expecting Heaven now and we aren't there yet. My head knows that, but my heart couldn't understand it over the past 6 months. It still didn't answer for me why God intervenes for some and not for others. Sometimes it seems He intervenes for those who are doing less for him and then He sits still while those who are doing the most for him are suffering.
I had another realization about God's intervention. God exists outside of time and I cannot see the end. I have had people try to tell me that God may have let Steve die so that I would draw closer to Him. I hope that is not true! However, I do think it is possible that there are things that God knows and I could never comprehend. I have no idea what those things are; if I did, I would know as much as God. I look at this situation and think about all the people Steve was helping and lives he touched; it seems to me that a lot more people would have been drawn to God if he had lived. Apparently, there will be some crazy twists and turns that I can't imagine.
I honestly think my life will be worse now that he is gone and I'm not convinced that my life is ever going to get better. No matter what I do from now until I die, it will be done without my biggest cheerleader. He's been telling me for at least 5 years to go to law school; it will be a very bittersweet journey.
I have been looking for the balance between the "have faith and God will do whatever you ask" and "It was God's will" because the first statement didn't prove true and the second, I just don't believe. I remembered a statement I made to a friend once. He does not believe in God and he was asking me why a God would allow so much suffering and I told him that he was expecting Heaven now and we aren't there yet. My head knows that, but my heart couldn't understand it over the past 6 months. It still didn't answer for me why God intervenes for some and not for others. Sometimes it seems He intervenes for those who are doing less for him and then He sits still while those who are doing the most for him are suffering.
I had another realization about God's intervention. God exists outside of time and I cannot see the end. I have had people try to tell me that God may have let Steve die so that I would draw closer to Him. I hope that is not true! However, I do think it is possible that there are things that God knows and I could never comprehend. I have no idea what those things are; if I did, I would know as much as God. I look at this situation and think about all the people Steve was helping and lives he touched; it seems to me that a lot more people would have been drawn to God if he had lived. Apparently, there will be some crazy twists and turns that I can't imagine.
I honestly think my life will be worse now that he is gone and I'm not convinced that my life is ever going to get better. No matter what I do from now until I die, it will be done without my biggest cheerleader. He's been telling me for at least 5 years to go to law school; it will be a very bittersweet journey.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Almost 6 months
I have not written in a little while because I have been trying to figure out how to explain where I am. I still don't know how to explain it.
I became extremely depressed in December and that lasted a few weeks. After a long conversation with a friend, I started to come out of the deep depression into a more "accceptable" depression for my situation.
I've been praying for almost 6 months for God to give me some answers or take away the questions. Give me some desire to live....something! For the past few weeks I have begun to see some very small speck of hope that life may not be over for me. Of course, in order to get there I have had to take a break from my grief. I didn't even feel like that was a possibility a few months ago, but I'm guessing God did that because I was consumed with grief and now I'm grieving differently.
I no longer walk in the house looking for him; I still wonder why we didn't get our miracle. There are some days, like today, that I can't imagine HOW I will keep going, but it's no longer a question of whether or not I WANT to keep going. Believe it or not it took a LONG time before I decided I even wanted to live.
I survive most days by trying to not think about it all (seems impossible, I know) but it works for short periods of time. I know I have to deal with my grief, but dealing with my grief led me to complete despair and I can't go back there right now. So, for now, I put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about everything I have lost and everything I will never have or be again. It doesn't work for very long, but at least I get a few days out of it.
I've had to admit to myself that I don't know as much as I thought I knew regarding my faith. But, I've figured out most people don't know as much as they think they do regarding their faith. Now a lot of my answers are I DON'T KNOW!
I joined a grief share support group. The creators of the series, the counselor, and all the other members of this particular group believe that God already pre-ordained the date of our death and nothing we do can change it. They base this belief on Psalm 139:16. My question is if nothing we do can change it then why eat healthy and why go to a doctor when we are sick? Either we will live or die but it won't matter what we do. This is one of those question I don't know the answer to. Does God really pre-ordain are date of death? If so, what's the point of faith?
I became extremely depressed in December and that lasted a few weeks. After a long conversation with a friend, I started to come out of the deep depression into a more "accceptable" depression for my situation.
I've been praying for almost 6 months for God to give me some answers or take away the questions. Give me some desire to live....something! For the past few weeks I have begun to see some very small speck of hope that life may not be over for me. Of course, in order to get there I have had to take a break from my grief. I didn't even feel like that was a possibility a few months ago, but I'm guessing God did that because I was consumed with grief and now I'm grieving differently.
I no longer walk in the house looking for him; I still wonder why we didn't get our miracle. There are some days, like today, that I can't imagine HOW I will keep going, but it's no longer a question of whether or not I WANT to keep going. Believe it or not it took a LONG time before I decided I even wanted to live.
I survive most days by trying to not think about it all (seems impossible, I know) but it works for short periods of time. I know I have to deal with my grief, but dealing with my grief led me to complete despair and I can't go back there right now. So, for now, I put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about everything I have lost and everything I will never have or be again. It doesn't work for very long, but at least I get a few days out of it.
I've had to admit to myself that I don't know as much as I thought I knew regarding my faith. But, I've figured out most people don't know as much as they think they do regarding their faith. Now a lot of my answers are I DON'T KNOW!
I joined a grief share support group. The creators of the series, the counselor, and all the other members of this particular group believe that God already pre-ordained the date of our death and nothing we do can change it. They base this belief on Psalm 139:16. My question is if nothing we do can change it then why eat healthy and why go to a doctor when we are sick? Either we will live or die but it won't matter what we do. This is one of those question I don't know the answer to. Does God really pre-ordain are date of death? If so, what's the point of faith?
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