Almost 6 months

I have not written in a little while because I have been trying to figure out how to explain where I am. I still don't know how to explain it.
I became extremely depressed in December and that lasted a few weeks. After a long conversation with a friend, I started to come out of the deep depression into a more "accceptable" depression for my situation.

I've been praying for almost 6 months for God to give me some answers or take away the questions. Give me some desire to live....something! For the past few weeks I have begun to see some very small speck of hope that life may not be over for me. Of course, in order to get there  I have had to take a break from my grief. I didn't even feel like that was a possibility a few months ago, but I'm guessing God did that because I was consumed with grief and now I'm grieving differently.

I no longer walk in the house looking for him; I still wonder why we didn't get our miracle. There are some days, like today, that I can't imagine HOW I will keep going, but it's no longer a question of whether or not I WANT to keep going. Believe it or not it took a LONG time before I decided I even wanted to live.

I survive most days by trying to not think about it all (seems impossible, I know) but it works for short periods of time. I know I have to deal with my grief, but dealing with my grief led me to complete despair and I can't go back there right now. So, for now, I put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about everything I have lost and everything I will never have or be again. It doesn't work for very long, but at least I get a few days out of it.

I've had to admit to myself that I don't know as much as I thought I knew regarding my faith. But, I've figured out most people don't know as much as they think they do regarding their faith. Now a lot of my answers are I DON'T KNOW!

I joined a grief share support group. The creators of the series, the counselor, and all the other members of this particular group believe that God already pre-ordained the date of our death and nothing we do can change it. They base this belief on Psalm 139:16. My question is if nothing we do can change it then why eat healthy and why go to a doctor when we are sick? Either we will live or die but it won't matter what we do.  This is one of those question I don't know the answer to. Does God really pre-ordain are date of death?  If so, what's the point of faith?