6 Months

March 11, 2014 was 6 months. I did better than I thought I would, which kind of concerns me. I have remembered some things in the past week that have helped a little. It hasn't helped with the pain of losing Steve, but it has helped with the questions.
I have been looking for the balance between the "have faith and God will do whatever you ask" and "It was God's will" because the first statement didn't prove true and the second, I just don't believe. I remembered a statement I made to a friend once. He does not believe in God and he was asking me why a God would allow so much suffering and I told him that he was expecting Heaven now and we aren't there yet. My head knows that, but my heart couldn't understand it over the past 6 months. It still didn't answer for me why God intervenes for some and not for others. Sometimes it seems He intervenes for those who are doing less for him and then He sits still while those who are doing the most for him are suffering.

I had another realization about God's intervention. God exists outside of time and I cannot see the end. I have had people try to tell me that God may have let Steve die so that I would draw closer to Him. I hope that is not true! However, I do think it is possible that there are things that God knows and  I could never comprehend. I have no idea what those things are; if I did, I would know as much as God. I look at this situation and think about all the people Steve was helping and lives he touched; it seems to me that a lot more people would have been drawn to God if he had lived. Apparently, there will be some crazy twists and turns that I can't imagine.
I honestly think my life will be worse now that he is gone and I'm not convinced that my life is ever going to get better. No matter what I do from now until I die, it will be done without my biggest cheerleader. He's been telling me for at least 5 years to go to law school; it will be a very bittersweet journey.