I posted this on the personal blog instead of letting the
article publish it because it discusses issues of people close to me in all
different types of relationship.
Letting go is the hardest thing for me to do. I always feel
like if I just keep trying, I can fix whatever the problem is. The truth is, I
can’t fix everything, and I’m learning to accept that I wasn’t meant to. I have
a few friends and members of my family going through some similar issues right
now. One is dealing with the fact that her son’s father doesn’t participate in
his life, one is dealing with in laws not wanting her around, one is dealing
with a significant other that shows no affection, one is dealing with grown
children who barely ever talk to her unless they need something, and another is dealing with a marriage
that operates more like a business arrangement than love. I find myself being
so angry with the selfishness of people; I cannot begin to fathom the amount of
arrogance it takes to destroy your relationships so you can love yourself more
than anything or anyone else. It’s something I have been seeking God on quite a
lot lately because, by nature, it seems like these are things we should be able
to fix. I will try a thousand ways to
fix something and rarely will I ever give up. But there have been those few
times that I wash my hands and quit. When I have finally decided to quit, it
was not because I didn’t see hope; it’s because I saw the hope, but I wasn’t
the one in control of how the story unfolded. It is gut wrenching to see the
potential and watch it slip away because someone made the wrong choices, but when
you allow other people into your life, things can get messy. Friends, family,
and spouses, are all people you love deeply, yet, sometimes they do not
reciprocate that deep love which causes a seemingly unstoppable pain.
You can’t force someone to care about you the way they
should. You can’t force them to give of themselves like you do. You can try to carry the burden of the
entire relationship on your shoulders; you can
try to drag them into some semblance of what true love and relationship is,
but once you have brought them there, what next? You have drug them here, they
didn’t choose it and they certainly didn’t put the blood, sweat, and tears in
to earn it. You can push your child’s
father into a fake relationship, but at some point, your child will know there
is nothing real there. His father is going to have to figure out what he has
done and do something to earn that relationship. Your spouse who refuses to do
the hard work to fix what is broken will not suddenly understand and change
their actions on the 5th request.
Here is what I’m learning from all these situations I’m surrounded by:
Your child may have some scars because his father (or mother) didn’t make an
effort and wasn’t there for him, but there is absolutely NOTHING you can do or
say to force the man to be a good father. There is nothing you can do to make
someone treat you right, regardless of who they are. Your in laws may dislike
you because of things you had nothing to do with, and your significant other
may be so selfish they do not care that you need something more from them. You can and you should have conversations
with all these people in your life to attempt to mend the cloth that is
tearing, but what happens when you have had those discussions repeatedly? Each
time, they will make an excuse or they will admit they are wrong.
But, here’s the deal: Until
they see the gravity of it all for themselves, it will not change.
So far, this sounds hopeless, but I promise you I have a
bigger point to all of this. There are things you can do to try to make your
relationships better, but it is definite that when you are the only one trying you
will give up. Here is what I am proposing, instead of just giving up when you
feel desperate and there is no hope in the situation, give all that passion
that you had to fix the broken relationship to God. You may have to give up that relationship to keep
your sanity; that’s the fallen nature of humanity. Whether you keep trying to fix it or you let
it go, take another step, and give to God.
I’ve seen a recurring theme over the last week, so I’m
thinking God must be trying to get it through to me and maybe you too. Sometimes,
I think God must be scratching his head in bewilderment. We do the same thing
to God that these other people are doing. He sacrificed everything to show us
his love and yet we refuse to reciprocate. We walk in and out of relationship with him
like he is a weekend parent, or the business partner. We obviously can’t do
everything God has done, but we pretend that doing good things shows how
deep our relationship is with Him.
Does it prove how much a father loves his child when he buys
them a piece of candy?
Does it prove how
much your spouse loves you when they say the words?
It’s the same way in our relationship with God, the deeds
and the words are nice, but they do not offer sufficient evidence of the
relationship. Here is the bigger point, at the end of our lives, God is all
that remains so maybe we should stop trying so hard to fix these relationships
and work harder on the eternal relationship. I honestly believe that God will
work on all these broken relationships when we realize that we cannot do it on
our own. If WE could understand the gravity of it all, we would finally grasp
that the power to fix it was never ours. Friends will fail us, relationships
will fail us, family will fail us and in the end the only one who never fails
is God. It is a daily decision, no it is a second by second decision to align
ourselves with seeking relationship with God first and letting him sort out the
rest. It is very hard to let go, but it is within the action of letting go that
we prove how deep our trust is. Unless there is a miracle in this situation,
you are going to let go eventually anyway; I’m just asking you to let go and give
it to God before you let go and lose hope.
Understand that it may not work out the way you planned,
just because you chose to give it to God. This has been the hardest concept for
me to grasp. God can and does do miracles, but God also gave us all free choice
and while you may be doing everything you know to do, there is another person
involved in this and they have the same free will that you do. It may be God’s
will for all of the situations I have mentioned to be resolved and everyone live
happily ever after, but it takes two willing people to do the right thing. If
one or both of you will not get on board and do the work it takes to stay in
the will of God, then you can’t say it was God’s fault when it falls apart.
To put it simply, here is what we are all mentally battling:
Step 1. Let go and just trust
Step 2. Stand and trust that no matter what everyone
else in this situation does, God has you and he will work it all to your good.
