Music

Music takes on a whole different life when you're grieving. I haven't been able to listen to much music since Steve died. Even the stuff that is supposed to make you feel better, like worship music; music generally just depresses me. We used to LOVE country music, most of "our songs" were country songs.
Country music lyrics are hell to listen to now. I stay away from country music on purpose, but stupid restaurants and stores think they need to play music for atmosphere.
I went to the christian concert, Winterjam, a couple weeks ago and even there I lost it over and over again. The meaning of the lyrics has changed now. The meaning of EVERYTHING has changed now!

I can't

My plan has stopped working. Reality floods again; I'm so sick of crying. The hard reality is that I can never change of any this so I need to just figure out how to go on. BUT I CAN'T

I really want to just be able to "Let go and let God" BUT I CAN'T, for reasons that should be obvious by now.

The more time that elapses between the last I love you and now makes the distance between us seem that much farther.

All or nothing

I am in a strange place right now. I've gone from the deepest depression I've ever known to trying to just remain numb and not feel the pain. I thought it was impossible to get numb without drugs or alcohol, but I'm doing it most of the time.

Me and my all or nothing mentality can't find a way to balance allowing myself to have memories and be o.k. at the same time. So, I'm just not remembering. I know this won't last for long, but I had to do it this way; I was too depressed. I'm hoping that SOMEDAY soon I will be able to figure out how to balance memories of what was and reality of what is without being depressed.

I'm still asking God what now and I'm not getting any direction. Still seems to be silence. I've had some dreams that could possibly mean something, but I can't figure them out.  I've decided to pursue some plans for the future just because I can't stand to think about being here without him. GOD HELP ME, I love him and I love us together. It's been more than 4 months and I still cannot imagine how I'm going to live without him.