I don't know what I believe

It's hit me pretty hard lately that I don't know what I believe. I know I believe there is a God and at some point in history he did love humanity enough to send his son to die and reconcile us to him. But after that, I don't know what I believe anymore. I used to believe God was in control. I used to believe that the God was big enough to create the universe would make him self small enough to have a individual relationship with each of us. I used to believe in healing and miracles. I used to believe that only Satan put us in trials and through our prayers and faith, God rescued us. Somehow I have seen all those things I used to believe work for some people, but it hasn't necessarily proven to be true for me.
So, here I sit with very little that I do know for sure and ask the God that I know exists to spell it out all for me. If He wants me to know that he is in control, He's going to have to show me and if He wants me to believe that He cares enough about me to know me individually then HE is going to have to show me. He's going to have show me miracles before I will believe in them again. I know this is opposite of how it's taught it church. In church, first it's have faith and then the manifestation but I figure that If God is in control and He knows me individually, He knows that I did it the church way and He can see where that got me. I'm changing my grip. I'm no longer holding onto everything I thought I knew about life as a "christian" and whatever the truth is will have to grip me instead.

Steve ate healthier than I did, he did more for God than I do, he would have been able to handle me dying much better than  I am handling this. If God is in control and someone had to go, it should have been me.

Warning! Brutal Honesty

I'm a word of faith preacher's daughter. Always believed that God protects his people and heals. My husband was an associate pastor and a state intercessory prayer leader for the CMA. It's not like we were immature Christians. I'm dealing with questions about why the things I have always believed didn't work. Why didn't God protect Steve in the first place and then why didn't he show his glory by bringing Steve back. I have a thousand questions and apparently there are no answers. I've been broken for months and God's not talking. I'm not "feeling" anything other than betrayal and loneliness.

It's not like I've sat around all this time not trying to understand. I've talked to several ministers, gone to multiple services, etc. I'm tired of hearing people talk about how all you have to do is have faith and believe, APPARENTLY NOT. That's what I was doing. The fact that HUNDREDS of people were praying and we didn't even allow ourselves to discuss any possibility of God not healing him. The night before surgery Steve told me, he knew God had brought us to the right people and everything would be o.k. AND THEN GOD LET HIM DIE! Everything would have turned the same had we allowed ourselves to prepare for this possibility, our faith fixed nothing.

I hear great preachers say things like God works best when you are not in control, so you have to lean on him and he can prove who he is. That sounds good and all, but what happens when you are leaning on him when you are standing in a hospital room watching while your husband can't be revived, what happens when you spend years in faith that you can have a baby and you don't. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? All of it was out of our control and God had the perfect opportunity to prove who he is. Then they say, well God's not done yet, he will stay work through your pain and prove who he is. God's good at allowing us to go through trials but brings us out of them stronger than we were, everything will be o.k. WHAT ABOUT STEVE? He served God, he loved God, he believed for his healing, but everything didn't come out o.k. He wasn't brought through stronger to be an example of who God is.What does that mean?

I never understood before how someone could go from being a Christian to an atheist or an agnostic, but I get it now.  No, I'm not an atheist or an agnostic, but I understand where they are coming from. The church gives you a couple options: God works miracles if you believe (But then He doesn't) or there's something wrong with you, so God couldn't work a miracle (There's something wrong with everyone which means God could never help anyone). The church doesn't offer any real help to broken people. They offer, but then they ignore you when you ask questions that are too difficult for them to deal with. The most honest response I've had is "I don't know. " I appreciate that honesty and I know for half the christian population that will suffice. Those are probably also the people who can hear God talk to them or feel his presence. I feel betrayed and abandoned, not only because God didn't heal my husband; that's the biggest reason. I am more broken than I ever could have imagined and he remains SILENT. I know God is real, the problem I have is if he really loves me, why does he not seem at all involved in my pain? Why doesn't he realize the image of my husband lying there is burned into my mind. My life ended the day my husbands did, only in some cruel twist I have to endure continuing to exist in this world without him. 

Yes, I love the family I have but when you realize that God isn't going to do what you thought He would; you realize that it's only a matter of time before someone else is gone and then another and then another and you begin to wonder what is even the point. It's all pain and heartache and the closer you are to people the more it hurts. 

Silence

They say if I can't hear you that I'm the one who moved.I'm trying to figure out where I went wrong
I refuse to believe that you could see this pain and not react. You can't possibly hear my cries and just ignore them. What am I supposed to believe? I know it's me, but I'm trying and I CAN'T hear you. I CAN'T feel you.
Some say I must have some major sin in my life, some say I just don't have enough faith, and some say you are testing me. Which is it? If it's really any of those three, I don't see how anyone ever hears from you. If it's a test, I know I can't pass it.

This silence is too much to handle. I am standing here screaming at the top of my lungs letting you now that I NEED YOU! The silence is too much.

Abandoned

For several years I have been consistently aware that there is only one life to live on earth and we have to make the best of it. That was a much easier pill to swallow before. Now, it feels like my one life on earth ended Sept 11, 2013 only I'm stuck here in this misery while I watch everyone else continue on. 

I have been searching and seeking God for help. I've read more books in the last few months than I had read in years. I have gone to multiple churches and listened to even more ministers online. I've taken online classes to try to help myself. I'm to the point that I just feel betrayed and abandoned by God. 

My parents have served God my entire life. They have sold houses, cars, furniture to put into the church. They have given church members food, money, and cars. Steve and I were saved and raising our kids in church. We worked in the church, gave money to the needy, gave a car to someone in need. I know that you are not saved by works, but faith without works is dead. 

As he was in that hospital room, I did not discuss anything with him about the possibility that he wouldn't make it out alive. I relied on our faith because that is what I was taught. We had faith for more than 10 years that infertility would be overcome. We had faith for 15 years that he was healed of diabetes. Major life struggles that would have been nothing for God to fix, we had faith that He would but He never did. Steve and I discussed why I wasn't healed of PCOS and why he wasn't healed of diabetes and we just kept saying, we were healed; we just hadn't seen the manifestation yet. Well, NOW the healing doesn't really matter anymore because he never saw a manifestation while on this earth and since he is gone it really doesn't matter if I suffer infertility anymore. So, I look at the whole of our lives and we spent 18 years fighting in faith for healing and money issues. 

I understand that there are a lot of things I'm not going to understand because God is not logical. However, I'm tired of hearing other widows talk about how they "felt God's presence" or an Angel came to them or "God told me" such and such or they received a sign from heaven about their deceased spouse. I have been broken and I don't "feel" God, I don't "hear" God, I haven't seen any Angels. On September 4th, I thought God told me that Steve was going to be fine. This past summer I thought God told me we were getting ready to have a breakthrough in the business. Apparently I was wrong and God didn't say any of that. 

What's wrong with me? Why doesn't God see how desperately I need him to help me out. He has to be able to see this pain, He's God!

I don't doubt God exists, for some reason I still know that He does. I'm just wondering why other people feel Him and hear Him and I don't. I have searched and searched for what I could be doing wrong. I'm not holding any grudges, I tithe, etc. I can't figure it out. But, I have heard hundreds of preachers say, if you're not hearing God, then you are the one that moved. I am trying to figure out when and how I moved and how to get back to where I need to be. 

Life without Steve and without feeling any presence of God or hearing anything from him doesn't seem like much of a life.  I'm tired of trying. 

Christmas

No words to describe the pain, anger, disappointment, all around emotion of today. Even though I don't sound thankful for family, I am. I'm grateful for what I have left. However, my focus is currently on who is missing. It's completely true that money can't buy happiness. The only thing I want is the one thing God could give back to me, but hasn't. I know most people will never understand this, but I am one of "those" people that believes God is capable of anything and since he formed Adam from dust, he raised saints that had been done for years when Jesus died,  he could easily give me my husband back; that's not beyond his ability. That is what I want, I want my family back.  I want the chance to fix my stupid mistakes!

This is the first Christmas that the girls have not said "this was the best Christmas ever." Christmas is not my favorite holiday, but this is the first Christmas I have spent wanting so badly to run away.


I've fasted and prayed and begged God to help me out here. I NEED him to help me with this, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment. It's nothing like these books I read or other widows I talk to that tell me "just ask God, and he will comfort you" or they talk about how close they felt God was at their lowest points. WHY DON'T I FEEL HIM? Why, after everything I've been through, isn't He making himself clear.

Christmas Eve

Today has been harder than I thought it would be. I thought I was beyond the falling apart spontaneously phase, but apparently I'm not. Somehow I forgot two presents, so I went to Kmart and there I stood in the middle of an isle having a meltdown. It's unnerving to know I have no control over how this goes.

Christmas has never been my favorite time of year mainly because it's cold and I hate cold weather. This year, I have been further enlightened; I guess because I have more time on my hands I have noticed what it brings out in some people. I've seen some pretty crazy selfish stuff lately and it further validates why I've always liked to hide in what was our little world.

Everything's changed now and figuring this out  is the hardest thing anyone could ever have to endure

Almost

I almost made it the whole day without crying today. I made it to 11:25p.m. until I broke. I find myself feeling sorry for Steve. I know he's in a better place and all of that, but the last moments of his life he was ALONE and now he's missing everything going on here. My mind won't let me stop replaying that night over and over again. It's like constant noise. I left, he probably fell asleep and then woke up looking for me. He had been falling asleep and waking up looking at me all day. It doesn't matter how good my reason was for leaving, it wasn't good enough, and his perception is all that matters anyway. Perception really is EVERYTHING!


I seem to be able to psyche myself up for a couple of days at a time to just charge through life, but in an instant it all changes and I realize that I still check the house, looking for him, every time I walk in the door; it's not really a conscious thing, it just is. When reality hits that he's not there, I lose the drive again.

Sanity

I think the worst part of grief is the feeling that I'm losing my sanity. There are so many facets to this and just when I think I moved past one facet or at least found something I can tell myself to get through, it starts over again. I start to ask the exact same questions again wondering why I can't find ANY ANSWER good enough to convince myself to move beyond that question and on to another one. Of all the questions I have, the biggest one is Why doesn't God realize how much I need his help right now? Why isn't he giving me answers to some of these questions; they cannot ALL be explained away with "God's ways are mysterious and we just won't know til we get to Heaven."
I have never been someone who puts God in a box. He created everything by his words, he formed man from dust and breathed life into him; It may sound naive, but I just don't see anything that God can't do. So, I sit here wondering why some people get revelations regarding their questions, but I don't.

3 Months

It's been 3 months and time is moving too slow. I still find myself looking for him when I wake up in the morning. He was up before me a lot because of business meetings, but you would think by now, I would know he's not going to be sitting in the living room when I get up.

Sleeping is actually the best part of my day because there is always a chance I will see him in my dreams. It's a double edged sword because sometimes the dreams are so real and great that when I wake up I'm devastated that they aren't real, but sometimes the dreams are so comforting that I'm just grateful to have had it.

Since Monday was our 18 year anniversary I really really wanted to have one of those comforting dreams. I know it's not really him in the dream, but it doesn't change the fact that in some way beyond explanation it comforts me to see him and talk to him in my dreams. I haven't dreamed of him in the last 4 days, not even on our anniversary.

Anniversary - 18 years

18 years ago on December 9, 1995,  I married the love of my life. It was such a crazy day.There was a huge ice storm the day before our wedding. The pipes froze at my house so I couldn't get ready there, and the electric was out at Steve's house so I couldn't get ready there. After I got to the church, I realized Aleyce's hair didn't curl, even though it had been in curlers all night and Adison was sick with a fever. When the candle lighters lit the candles, the ivy that we used for decoration caught on fire and Steve put it out with his hand.

We finally got through the wedding and the preacher (my Dad) forgot the "you may now kiss the bride" part. Steve forgot to take his old green watch off for the pictures. Last but not least, the best man (Steve's brother, Stuart) left the building before signing the marriage license. 

It didn't take long after that day for us to say, we should have just gotten married on a beach somewhere and done away with all the tradition. Steve told me he wanted us to renew our vows on our 20th anniversary, on the beach. We almost made it that far.  

I got married at 18 years old and immediately became a family because he already had two children. I look back at those early years and realize how much I didn't know. Like most newlyweds, we had a lot of obstacles to overcome, but over the past 10 years we've had the best relationship of anyone I know. We loved each other unconditionally. Neither of us ever tried to change the other or insist the other one do something our way. We had a mutual respect and trust that we each would do what was best for our family in any given situation. It wasn't always perfect, but a lot of times it was perfect. 

Now, I look back 3 months and realize how much I still didn't know. Only, now I can't make up for any of it and no amount of I'm sorry is going to bring him back. 

I wonder what he knows where he is, if he even knows today's date or remembers the significance. Most people say marriage ends at death, but I don't see how a connection on that spiritual of a level can die. Unless God sees fit to reunite us soon, I guess I will be celebrating a lot of anniversary's without him. 

Just in case heaven has internet, Happy Anniversary Babe, I still love you biggest!

Oxygen

I lost my breath the second you took your last

If I could go back and change some things, you wouldn't have gone so fast.
If love could have brought you back, you would be here with me.
If broken hearts could kill, I would be there with you.
Now, all I have are the thoughts of what should be. 

I've lost the will to keep going without you
If I can't catch my breath can you come and rescue me

I'm on oxygen, against my will.

I've never felt a pain that hurts this bad
How am I supposed to outlast us
What happens to everything we had
I need a glimpse of what will be
Because I've lost my will to keep going without us
If I can't catch my breath, I'm going to need you to come and rescue me.

I'm on oxygen, against my will

Mad to the point of Sad

I have hit the mad phase. I'm not in anyway mad at Steve and I'm not even mad at God; I'm just mad at the whole situation. I'm mad that I don't understand, mad that he's not here with me, mad that in less than a week I should be celebrating 18 years of being married to my best friend and we can't celebrate. I'm mad that I'm doing life alone now and missing him. I'm really mad that I don't understand whatever it is that God is saying yet. I'm mad that I'm starting over at 36 years old with my biggest hope in this life being that Jesus returns soon.
After the mad is sad again.