No words to describe the pain, anger, disappointment, all around emotion of today. Even though I don't sound thankful for family, I am. I'm grateful for what I have left. However, my focus is currently on who is missing. It's completely true that money can't buy happiness. The only thing I want is the one thing God could give back to me, but hasn't. I know most people will never understand this, but I am one of "those" people that believes God is capable of anything and since he formed Adam from dust, he raised saints that had been done for years when Jesus died, he could easily give me my husband back; that's not beyond his ability. That is what I want, I want my family back. I want the chance to fix my stupid mistakes!
This is the first Christmas that the girls have not said "this was the best Christmas ever." Christmas is not my favorite holiday, but this is the first Christmas I have spent wanting so badly to run away.
I've fasted and prayed and begged God to help me out here. I NEED him to help me with this, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment. It's nothing like these books I read or other widows I talk to that tell me "just ask God, and he will comfort you" or they talk about how close they felt God was at their lowest points. WHY DON'T I FEEL HIM? Why, after everything I've been through, isn't He making himself clear.
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