Warning! Brutal Honesty

I'm a word of faith preacher's daughter. Always believed that God protects his people and heals. My husband was an associate pastor and a state intercessory prayer leader for the CMA. It's not like we were immature Christians. I'm dealing with questions about why the things I have always believed didn't work. Why didn't God protect Steve in the first place and then why didn't he show his glory by bringing Steve back. I have a thousand questions and apparently there are no answers. I've been broken for months and God's not talking. I'm not "feeling" anything other than betrayal and loneliness.

It's not like I've sat around all this time not trying to understand. I've talked to several ministers, gone to multiple services, etc. I'm tired of hearing people talk about how all you have to do is have faith and believe, APPARENTLY NOT. That's what I was doing. The fact that HUNDREDS of people were praying and we didn't even allow ourselves to discuss any possibility of God not healing him. The night before surgery Steve told me, he knew God had brought us to the right people and everything would be o.k. AND THEN GOD LET HIM DIE! Everything would have turned the same had we allowed ourselves to prepare for this possibility, our faith fixed nothing.

I hear great preachers say things like God works best when you are not in control, so you have to lean on him and he can prove who he is. That sounds good and all, but what happens when you are leaning on him when you are standing in a hospital room watching while your husband can't be revived, what happens when you spend years in faith that you can have a baby and you don't. WHAT HAPPENS THEN? All of it was out of our control and God had the perfect opportunity to prove who he is. Then they say, well God's not done yet, he will stay work through your pain and prove who he is. God's good at allowing us to go through trials but brings us out of them stronger than we were, everything will be o.k. WHAT ABOUT STEVE? He served God, he loved God, he believed for his healing, but everything didn't come out o.k. He wasn't brought through stronger to be an example of who God is.What does that mean?

I never understood before how someone could go from being a Christian to an atheist or an agnostic, but I get it now.  No, I'm not an atheist or an agnostic, but I understand where they are coming from. The church gives you a couple options: God works miracles if you believe (But then He doesn't) or there's something wrong with you, so God couldn't work a miracle (There's something wrong with everyone which means God could never help anyone). The church doesn't offer any real help to broken people. They offer, but then they ignore you when you ask questions that are too difficult for them to deal with. The most honest response I've had is "I don't know. " I appreciate that honesty and I know for half the christian population that will suffice. Those are probably also the people who can hear God talk to them or feel his presence. I feel betrayed and abandoned, not only because God didn't heal my husband; that's the biggest reason. I am more broken than I ever could have imagined and he remains SILENT. I know God is real, the problem I have is if he really loves me, why does he not seem at all involved in my pain? Why doesn't he realize the image of my husband lying there is burned into my mind. My life ended the day my husbands did, only in some cruel twist I have to endure continuing to exist in this world without him. 

Yes, I love the family I have but when you realize that God isn't going to do what you thought He would; you realize that it's only a matter of time before someone else is gone and then another and then another and you begin to wonder what is even the point. It's all pain and heartache and the closer you are to people the more it hurts.