Silence still hurts

Again, I'm realizing another thing I thought I had worked through. Apparently, as busy as my I try to keep my life and as much as I have continued to live, I still don't like silence.  I've enjoyed background noise all my life. I don't like loud, obnoxious noise, but I want to hear people talking. Maybe it makes me feel less alone, I don't really know. Silence is not just an inconvenience for me, it's so much more than that.

Early in the morning on Tuesday, I had to go to the hospital because I was experiencing a lot of abdominal pain. I'm not a big advocate of pain medicine, but I was that day for sure. They got the IV in and gave me the first shot of dilaudid; that dulled the pain for about 10 minutes. They came in and gave me another dose that only lasted for about 10 minutes. Finally, she came in and doubled the dose; I'm not sure how long it worked, but it wasn't very long. When they came back again, they told me they couldn't give me any more because it was going to send me into respiratory distress. I had to wait two hours.

My son, and two of my daughters were there in the room from the beginning. I know they were there because they drove me up there but, the dilaudid had me very out of it. I could still feel the pain, but I was having vivid dreams at times. I don't remember my kids talking, but I saw Steve; maybe I will be able to go into that more another time. I was amazed at how completely out of it I was. I was aware enough to talk to people periodically, but zoned out enough to not care about anything.

I remember thinking about Steve when the nurse told me they couldn't give me anymore dilaudid because it would send me into respiratory distress. I was thinking no one seemed too concerned about doing that to Steve. He was on way more of it than I was and within the hour he died, the nurse had given him an extra dose of dilaudid.

After I woke up from surgery I was thinking, now I have some small idea of the medication high Steve was on. I had never been in the hospital for anything before. Now, I understood that Steve really had no realization of what was happening around him and he certainly didn't have a choice. Which leads me to a hundred other questions about what I should have done, but that is beside the point. That night, the next day, and in the days since after everyone has gone back to work and everything, I've had a LOT of time alone to think...

I've realized that I still hate silence. I still can't deal with it. Silence depresses me and causes me to overthink things. It's seems like such a huge setback to look back at how far you thought you had come and realize you haven't even really taken a step. Some days the thought of the fact that you have spent almost 2 years trying to work yourself through something like this and you still can't deal with something as simple as silence makes you question your ability to be able to do anything more than merely survive, EVER.

Reader Beware, I'm on a soap box!

I'm sitting here thinking about the first moments after finding out Steve had died. Why am I doing that? Because two people that I'm close to have lost people they are close to this weekend. One of the deceased was in his mid 80's and took care of himself; the other was in their mid 40's with a small child and didn't take care of themselves. The pain of losing them is similar, but the SHOCK of losing someone in their mid 40's is most often preventable

Do not for one second think that the shock is not every bit as hard to deal with as the pain. The shock is another layer of grief; it's more like another MOUNTAIN to climb and fall in the grief process. Everyone has a story and I understand that knowing the end is near is not any kind of relief. However, I can only speak from my experience and my that comes from completely unexpected loss. I'm only qualified to speak from the place of a woman who lost her 44 year old husband SUDDENLY.

Let me start by saying that I do not blame him. Neither one of us understood the gravity of his health issues. He was a strong man that seemed invincible and we had no clue what we were dealing with.

I'm writing this to hopefully make someone out there try a little harder to stick around for your wife (or husband), and kids.

Steve had high blood pressure (not constant) from his early 20's. He was diagnosed with Diabetes in his late 20's and he developed high cholesterol in his 30's. His eating habits were not really all that bad, but he had a hard time saying no to pie and chocolate shakes (most people have a hard time saying no to these things). He smoked off and on from the ages of 18 - 31. He never had any indication that there was a heart problem, NONE. When we showed up at the hospital we thought he was having an asthma attack and maybe pneumonia. We were completely SHOCKED when they said "you've had a massive heart attack that has damaged your heart muscle to the point that only 1/3 of it is functioning." How is it even possible that someone can have a heart attack that damages their heart that much and not even know it.

Knowing what I know now, I should have known it was coming. Steve's health was not good. He looked amazing, he didn't look like an unhealthy person at all. Looks are more deceiving than I ever knew. What no one could see was that uncontrolled diabetes was turning the inside of his arteries in to jelly which was causing plaque from the high cholesterol to be able to accumulate in massive amounts in his heart.

If you have chronic health issues like High blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc it does not matter how great you look on the outside, all of these diseases are slowly killing you on the inside. Here is my PSA; this is what I feel like I have earned the qualifications to say: Get off your ass and fix it. If you are overweight, work on it. SERIOUSLY, don't just talk about it. If you have High blood pressure take the meds (either prescription or holistic) while you start an exercise program to bring your blood pressure down. If you have diabetes, do the research to learn what you need to know and learn how your body reacts to everything you eat. Keep a log and work on keeping your blood sugar down. STOP doing things that are going to kill you.

Steve was one of the most unselfish people I have ever known, so understand that I am not blaming him. We had know idea what all of this was doing to him internally. BUT, now I know and now YOU know. You don't have an excuse anymore. Once you know, you have to act. It doesn't matter what your excuse is or what your disease is, you have to fight it. Make a list of things that need to change so you can live longer and then prioritize. Your spouse and kids are more important than whatever excuse you can find not to change. If you have spent any amount of time reading my previous blog posts, you know the devastation I have felt. You have to be aware of the months that I spent wishing I could just die too. You have the power to delay your loved one from feeling this and I'd say you are pretty selfish if you don't do everything you can to prevent it. Obviously, people can die unexpectedly in car wrecks and other accidental ways, but statistically only 5% of deaths in American are accidents.
If you love someone, you should be willing to do whatever you can to keep them from having to feel the pain of your death. 

23 Months and the demon named Fear

I have survived 23 months and I really thought that I had experienced all the stages of grief. I am fully aware that it is not a straight line to walk, but after 23 months you would think that there would be no more surprises. What I've discovered is that every time I experience a feeling for the first time without him, I walk back through all the stages again. The pain gets overwhelming, it becomes hard to breathe, and I wonder how I'm going to survive all over again.

I can't speak for anyone else's experiences, but it seems that most widows have gone through similar things. I had continual dreams about Steve from shortly after he died until this past May. Even though he is not here, I still felt connected to him; it FELT like part of him was here.  I do not believe that his spirit is on earth, that is not at all what I'm saying. I KNOW this was just me feeling connected to him. After the dream I had in May, it felt like he left me.

I didn't dream about him again until a few days ago. The last few dreams (for the past 6 months) I've had about him have been pretty heartbreaking; usually, he is alive & just doesn't want to be with me anymore. That is a pain unlike any I have experienced throughout this whole thing.  The chain of emotions that have been set off recently are ridiculous.

I NEVER doubted Steve's love for me, but throw a few stupid dreams in the mix and doubts come flooding in. Most of the time when you dream about someone you love doing something out of the ordinary, you can wake up and see them. You can reassure yourself that it was just a dream. I don't have that option anymore, there will never be another moment where he can tell me "it was just a dream." Just his presence used to give me a sense of security, that no longer exists. I wake up and I'm left with questions and doubts and insecurity.

So, I found myself moving into anger recently and it's not angry at God anymore. I've been angry with Steve. It's crazy, because in my head, I know he didn't choose to leave me, but my heart cannot reconcile how he could have done this. How could he have shared so many years with me, made me feel loved and wanted, built this life and then left me alone. He was my best friend and biggest supporter; he shouldn't have left me to figure out how to do life without him.

And then there is my new relationship.... Some people don't understand how I can feel such deep  love for Steve and develop a new love with Joey. It's not the same relationship and navigating the emotions is not easy sometimes. I struggle with GUILT of moving on versus the reality that I have to keep living. I struggle with the FEAR that I may have to go through the pain of losing someone I LOVE this much again. The nightmares I've had that Steve has decided he doesn't want to be with me, have me dealing with some major INSECURITIES. All of these things have me angry. If Steve hadn't died I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Then there is the guilt I feel that Joey has to deal with the repercussions of a woman who has LOST her husband. I know he says he understands and he can deal with it, but it is not FAIR to him. Why should Joey have to "love me louder today" because of my insecurities? He shouldn't have to, but he does it anyway.

In the end, I'm not really angry with Steve; I thought I was. I'm more angry with myself. Why did I find so much self worth in him? Why have I felt so worthless since he's been gone? I thought it was good thing to be so connected to him, but the devastation that kind of connection causes is relentless.

It almost makes me wish for amnesia, but for some reason we were designed to feel that connection. I don't know why God does the things he does, but no matter how hard I have tried, I can't change his mind. We still have the ability to make our own choices and the biggest choice I've had lately is to let the FEAR control me or take a leap of faith and believe in LOVE again. Let me tell you that even when you make a decision to side with Love, fear doesn't go away. Sometimes fear is a demon I only have to fight periodically, lately I've fought him daily; maybe even hourly. Someday, I'll be strong enough to beat him. 

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

Music has a way of connecting people through emotion. Sometimes it is good emotion, but a lot of times the worst pain can only be expressed through music. Danny Gokey was a worship leader whose wife died from complications of a routine heart surgery. I found inspiration in his book, Hope In Front of Me and most of his music has been a very realistic depiction of my feelings.

"Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" is a great song; it tells the story of where I've been, but more importantly where I am. "Beginning, just let that word wash over you. It’s alright now, Love’s healing hands have pulled you through. So get back up take step one. Leave the darkness feel the sun Cause your story’s far from over and your journey’s just begun"

You’re shattered
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up take step one
Leave the darkness feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good