23 Months and the demon named Fear

I have survived 23 months and I really thought that I had experienced all the stages of grief. I am fully aware that it is not a straight line to walk, but after 23 months you would think that there would be no more surprises. What I've discovered is that every time I experience a feeling for the first time without him, I walk back through all the stages again. The pain gets overwhelming, it becomes hard to breathe, and I wonder how I'm going to survive all over again.

I can't speak for anyone else's experiences, but it seems that most widows have gone through similar things. I had continual dreams about Steve from shortly after he died until this past May. Even though he is not here, I still felt connected to him; it FELT like part of him was here.  I do not believe that his spirit is on earth, that is not at all what I'm saying. I KNOW this was just me feeling connected to him. After the dream I had in May, it felt like he left me.

I didn't dream about him again until a few days ago. The last few dreams (for the past 6 months) I've had about him have been pretty heartbreaking; usually, he is alive & just doesn't want to be with me anymore. That is a pain unlike any I have experienced throughout this whole thing.  The chain of emotions that have been set off recently are ridiculous.

I NEVER doubted Steve's love for me, but throw a few stupid dreams in the mix and doubts come flooding in. Most of the time when you dream about someone you love doing something out of the ordinary, you can wake up and see them. You can reassure yourself that it was just a dream. I don't have that option anymore, there will never be another moment where he can tell me "it was just a dream." Just his presence used to give me a sense of security, that no longer exists. I wake up and I'm left with questions and doubts and insecurity.

So, I found myself moving into anger recently and it's not angry at God anymore. I've been angry with Steve. It's crazy, because in my head, I know he didn't choose to leave me, but my heart cannot reconcile how he could have done this. How could he have shared so many years with me, made me feel loved and wanted, built this life and then left me alone. He was my best friend and biggest supporter; he shouldn't have left me to figure out how to do life without him.

And then there is my new relationship.... Some people don't understand how I can feel such deep  love for Steve and develop a new love with Joey. It's not the same relationship and navigating the emotions is not easy sometimes. I struggle with GUILT of moving on versus the reality that I have to keep living. I struggle with the FEAR that I may have to go through the pain of losing someone I LOVE this much again. The nightmares I've had that Steve has decided he doesn't want to be with me, have me dealing with some major INSECURITIES. All of these things have me angry. If Steve hadn't died I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Then there is the guilt I feel that Joey has to deal with the repercussions of a woman who has LOST her husband. I know he says he understands and he can deal with it, but it is not FAIR to him. Why should Joey have to "love me louder today" because of my insecurities? He shouldn't have to, but he does it anyway.

In the end, I'm not really angry with Steve; I thought I was. I'm more angry with myself. Why did I find so much self worth in him? Why have I felt so worthless since he's been gone? I thought it was good thing to be so connected to him, but the devastation that kind of connection causes is relentless.

It almost makes me wish for amnesia, but for some reason we were designed to feel that connection. I don't know why God does the things he does, but no matter how hard I have tried, I can't change his mind. We still have the ability to make our own choices and the biggest choice I've had lately is to let the FEAR control me or take a leap of faith and believe in LOVE again. Let me tell you that even when you make a decision to side with Love, fear doesn't go away. Sometimes fear is a demon I only have to fight periodically, lately I've fought him daily; maybe even hourly. Someday, I'll be strong enough to beat him.