I hate the loss of control that I feel. I know everyone feels some sense of control of their life, but I think people that have lost someone very close to them have a realization that we really don't have a lot of control at all. To some people a lack of control is a huge relief, but for me it is terrifying.
I would love to be at a place that I could say God is in control and that would satisfy me. It is hard to admit that I am not there yet. I feel like a horrible person because I cannot just make myself feel better by trusting that God is in control. After all, if God is in complete control then I obviously don't like the choice he made.
I keep trying to convince myself that there are things I do not understand; only God knows and all of this must be part of God's plan. Apparently I can change my mind about a million times a day because my head is constantly spinning with questions that change my mind.
It seems like the only people that have any real peace are the ones that just say it is all in God's control and they seem to actually trust that that is good enough for them. Maybe those people don't really have any peace, maybe it's just a faith statement; I don't know. I guess I won't know unless I can get to the point that I can believe that God was in control of it all and made a choice I can't believe he would make and then try to get beyond how betrayed that makes me feel.
