5 Months

It's been 5 months today. I'm usually harder on myself than anyone else, but for some reason I'm allowing myself to grieve longer than some think I should. I still wake up not knowing how I'm going to function through the day, but I get up and do it. I don't feel like I should be making major decisions without you, it still seems impossible to me that I am here without you. Trying to plan our lives now just feels all wrong.
Every day I remember something I should have done differently and I realize I wasn't half as good of a wife as I thought I was. I know it's too little too late. I'm working on trying to be present; not wishing to rewind time or fast forward time, but that's pretty difficult to do. I kind of feel like I'm standing still while everyone else is moving. Every once in a while I think I might take a step, but I'm not ready. Whether it's true or not, if I take a step, I feel like I will be walking away from you and I can't do that.

To Preachers, Speakers, Teachers, Etc.

I feel like all of my conversations with God lately are about my state of absolute confusion about what he really wants. I have sat in countless church services throughout my life and over the last few months I've been more perplexed than ever. I've heard so many statements that are said with unwavering determination, but not a lot of explanation surrounds the statements. I heard a t.v. preacher saying if you love God and live a good life you won't die young. Really? What about the ones who died young are you really make a definitive statement that all those people did not love God and live a good life.
I understand that preacher's can't sugar coat everything they say and they feel strongly about what they are speaking about. But, sometimes I wonder how a new christian ever survives or the person like me dealing with having believed all of this forever and now grieving the loss of my husband.


You say: It does not matter what the circumstance is IF you have faith and believe then God WILL heal.
Grief hears: Something must be wrong with my faith because God didn't heal.

You say: God is sovereign and everything that happens is in his will.
Grief hears: It was God's will for my 44 year old husband to die, for me to fight depression, and my children to be fatherless. So what's the point of having faith?

You say: When you get on the other side of this pain, you will look back and see that it was all part of God's plan.
Grief hears: God needed for my husband to die to accomplish something else.

You say: Sometimes God allows bad things to happen to cause us to rely on him completely.
Grief hears: I wasn't a good enough Christian so God had to allow my husband to die and wake me up.

You say: If you just ask God for help he will give it to you. He says "my sheep know my voice and another they will not follow". He is close to the brokenhearted.
Grief hears: Since it seems like God has forgotten I exist, I must be too far gone. I AM BROKENHEARTED!


I don't know how to reconcile all these issues, but I know that most of them have an answer for. I really appreciate when a preacher can be honest if they don't know and just say, "I just don't know." It doesn't make me feel any better, less guilty, or more adequate, but at least it's honest.
It's a horrible feeling to sit in a church and hear a preacher say these things and all you can do is sit there silently saying, BUT WHAT ABOUT? It is really not about unbelief or doubting God, it is about the fact that some information is missing and I want to find it. There is such a difference between what is preached out of the Bible and what has happened. Unless I allow myself to believe what Grief hears, I need another resolution. I'm not asking Why my husband died anymore; I would love for God to give me that revelation, I think. What I'm asking is how do I resolve all these paradoxes. I'm sure that God has given someone a revelation on this.

First road trip.

I decided to take a small road trip to a conference in Chicago. I arrived Thursday evening and was doing o.k., but then Friday morning came. Mornings are still extremely difficult; there is still that first few seconds of realization that Steve's not here and I'm going to have to deal with another day of this pain. Being away from home was harder than I thought. It sounds crazy but when I'm home at least I have a realization that Steve is gone. Being away from home, I found myself thinking that I needed to call him, because he was waiting to hear from me. I know how insane that sounds! Friday morning in Chicago and I fall apart. Then memories come flooding back, the kind of memories of things I wish I had done differently or things we said we were going to do and we hadn't done them yet.
I was there for a Christian Women's Conference. This is going to sound kind of ignorant, but when I'm in a room full of people I find myself scanning every left hand to see if they have a wedding ring. I don't even deliberately do it, I just notice that I am doing it. The majority of the women had wedding rings, and then I found myself getting upset because they are at this conference and they have no idea what I would give to be at home with my husband instead of here. They have no clue what it would mean to me to just be able to pick up the phone and call him.

Of all the things to happen on Friday morning, the speaker gets up and says they are going to start praying for women who have not been able to get pregnant. My heart sunk and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm standing here silently screaming "God what are you doing to me?" It's no secret we tried for years to get pregnant. My crying was not so silent, so I left.

It seems like even more things are about to come to an end whether the girls and I are ready or not and it's going to make life  more difficult. I have no idea what direction our lives will eventually go, but better than this would be nice.