First road trip.

I decided to take a small road trip to a conference in Chicago. I arrived Thursday evening and was doing o.k., but then Friday morning came. Mornings are still extremely difficult; there is still that first few seconds of realization that Steve's not here and I'm going to have to deal with another day of this pain. Being away from home was harder than I thought. It sounds crazy but when I'm home at least I have a realization that Steve is gone. Being away from home, I found myself thinking that I needed to call him, because he was waiting to hear from me. I know how insane that sounds! Friday morning in Chicago and I fall apart. Then memories come flooding back, the kind of memories of things I wish I had done differently or things we said we were going to do and we hadn't done them yet.
I was there for a Christian Women's Conference. This is going to sound kind of ignorant, but when I'm in a room full of people I find myself scanning every left hand to see if they have a wedding ring. I don't even deliberately do it, I just notice that I am doing it. The majority of the women had wedding rings, and then I found myself getting upset because they are at this conference and they have no idea what I would give to be at home with my husband instead of here. They have no clue what it would mean to me to just be able to pick up the phone and call him.

Of all the things to happen on Friday morning, the speaker gets up and says they are going to start praying for women who have not been able to get pregnant. My heart sunk and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm standing here silently screaming "God what are you doing to me?" It's no secret we tried for years to get pregnant. My crying was not so silent, so I left.

It seems like even more things are about to come to an end whether the girls and I are ready or not and it's going to make life  more difficult. I have no idea what direction our lives will eventually go, but better than this would be nice.