Ruined by true love (This is what 15 months looks like)

I have survived 15 months and I still have no idea how I will survive today. Somehow even after your life is shattered, it just keeps going. It usually seems like it's been 10 years since I've seen him but on a very rare occasion, it feels like he's still here (I think the dreams help with that).

Lately, I've been reminded of all the small things that made our relationship so great. Reflecting on all those details is not easy for me, but it's happening so I go with it. Just about a month before Steve died he was talking to someone and he said "We still have the best marriage of anyone I have ever known" and he was serious. Obviously a lot of people have great marriages and none of them can be classified the best because they are all different based on the individuals involved. BUT, it is an amazing  feeling to have been with someone for 18 years and absolutely know that it is the most perfect plan God could have ever had for you. I love who he was and what he stood for. Aside from his faith,  I was the most important thing on this earth to him. There is no way to describe how amazing it felt to be the most important person on this earth to Steve Ashbrook. 

Grief counselors refer to secondary losses a lot; losses that occur as a result of losing your loved one. I thought I had recognized them all. Sometimes you grieve deeply, and can't put into words what is going through your head. I was trying to figure out a way to explain something the other day and I said it doesn't matter what the majority of women say about taking care of themselves, what they really want is to BELONG to someone. Before, you get all freaked out, I obviously don't mean slavery rights or control freak. I mean someone takes care of you when your sick, checks on you if you're late getting home, defends you and jumps right into the middle of a situation to help you; all because you belong to them. Of course, you are free to leave, but why would you even consider leaving when life is that good and someone loves you that much. For me, at least, it was the most secure feeling; to know I was his and he would do ANYTHING to keep me safe and happy. 

I miss belonging to him. I miss knowing someone so well that we just looked at each other and knew what the other was thinking...connection. I miss being in a crowded room and finding comfort just knowing he is there. Every facet of my life only felt complete because he was part of it. 

It seems as though well-meaning people (most of them actually do care about me) think that after 15 months it must be time to find another man. I have been approached about this a couple of times since 1 month after Steve died, but lately I guess it seems like people are more hopeful that I will "move on" and not be alone. During the latest attempt, I tried to explain that I have no intentions of ever loving another man. Of course, I'm lonely. I spent every day of my life with him, building a family and businesses. Literally almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week with this man and now I'm attempting to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. It is lonely...but

Here's where I'm coming from. I don't even think it's possible to love another man. I had an AMAZING relationship with Steve; if I could even bring myself to not feel like I was cheating, then I feel like I would be comparing everything with the great relationship I've already lived. Nothing can compare and I'm fully aware of that. That wouldn't be fair to do to someone. I have been ruined by true love.

The next question I got was do you think God would want you to be alone for the rest of your life. That's a pretty loaded question. My first thought is apparently what God wants doesn't always happen, otherwise my husband wouldn't have died.  So on the very slim chance that I could ever fall in love again then I face having to go through all this pain ALL OVER AGAIN if tragedy strikes. This pain is relentless, why in the world would I voluntarily put myself in the position to have to feel it again.

I understand that a lot of widows don't feel the same way I do and that's o.k. I also understand that it is possible that my mind will change someday. I know this, IF that day ever comes (I highly doubt it), God is going to have to deliver him with a post it note on his forehead because in my opinion, I've already loved and been loved by the only man for me.

Instinct

A little over 14 months ago, I took my husband to the hospital and the nightmare began. I've always been a fairly optimistic person and up until that day I knew our faith in God would prove to be bigger than any problem we faced. I was never an overly emotional person, until that day in the hospital,. That day, something came over me; I don't know why because at that point we were under the impression that this was an asthma attack. For some reason sitting in the ER room tears starting coming down my face because I had a bad feeling that this was something else. My instinct was right. Confirmation came the next day and more confirmation the day after that. My whole world was starting to spin out of control and I had lapses of faith where I just fell apart and then I got it back together and tried my best to put on the I'm not worried face in front of my husband. So much so, that when he finally saw me falling apart I said I didn't want to talk about it because he didn't need to hear it. Even when they told us he was going to have the surgery, I was never afraid of the surgery. He asked me if I was scared of the surgery and I said, No, I'm scared of the pain you will be in after the surgery until you fully recover. Call it instinct or whatever. However, after the surgery he was doing so well that I didn't have to put on the face anymore; I really did have faith that he was o.k. and he was coming home from that hospital. My instinct was wrong.

I have thought back about the instincts I felt throughout all of that and all the time since then. I have a distinct memory on the day Steve died of sitting there in a chair next to his bed and noticing the little piece on the back of the bed that says CPR release. Looking back, I wondered if the fact that I noticed it, meant something. 

Grieving ruins instinct. It all becomes either denial or fear. Every time something remotely bad happens I immediately feel like all hope is lost. 

I had recently started to get to a place of acceptable peace; knowing that nothing would ever feel right again, but that I could try to build a life for me and my girls. Then another medical issue for one of my kids and now, I'm facing more fear and I'm trying so hard to hold onto faith, but after what happened, I'm not sure how to do that anymore. God is the only thing that can control this medical issue, not even medicine can control it 100% of the time.

Having lost all that I have, my instincts are broken. Every instinct is now fear. Sometimes it feels like God can't possibly know what is happening here, because if he had the slightest clue what I have gone though he would just heal her so I can breathe again. Then I think about all the tragedy everyone else in the world endures and I know, in my head, it could be worse.Too bad that doesn't make me feel any better. So, I do the only thing I can do at this point in time and that is be thankful for everyday I have with my kids while I wait for healing and peace.

Reliance

I have been trying to figure out how to put into words what has been on my mind for a while. I am still not sure I can relay it well, but I'm going to try.

If you know me, you know that I typically do not trust people. If given a project, I tend to handle all of it myself; that way I'm the only person responsible, good or bad, for how it turns out. I don't have to rely on anyone but me.

There is a legal term called "reliance" in contracts law. There are several elements to "reliance" but I'm just going to oversimplify it. Reliance occurs when one person depends on something another person said they would do. One person takes some action because they are relying on the other person to do what they said they would do. The remedy in court for this issue is that either the person who didn't keep their word is ordered to perform the promised action or pay whatever money you may have lost because you relied on them and they didn't come through.

This is where I have been in my relationship with God. I relied on him to heal Steve and I relied on him to do a few other things I thought were promises from a biblical perspective, but he didn't do what I relied on him to do. Since there is no higher authority, there was no way to make God preform. So, I've spent a long time mulling this issue over and over. I mean, it takes A LOT for me to trust and I knew that this whole situation was so much bigger than anything I could fix. We HAD to trust and rely on God to fix this. So then after the initial shock wore off I started trying to understand why our reliance on God didn't spur him to perform.

Christians typically live by one of two schools of thought. 1. God helps those who help themselves or 2. God is in control; there is nothing you can do. Until a year ago, I thought more along the lines of God helps those who help themselves. I'm not referring to salvation here; I'm talking about general everyday life things. I'm not so sure anymore; maybe the answer is somewhere in the middle.

All I know is I have no control over life and death. I can take all the precautions in the world to keep from having an accident and then lightening could strike me or a sink hole could swallow me.  People all over the world have buried a loved one and many of these people probably asked God to protect their loved one. I also know that if God healed everyone and stopped every tragedy we would be living in heaven now. I do not understand and I do not know if I ever will. The problem I have now is that I have to trust that somehow God does care about me and my family, all the while knowing that for some reason he may allow horrible tragedy in my life. I know, I know, his thoughts are higher than our thoughts. My problem is that my thoughts cannot possibly elevate to any situation in which my husband dying and the pain I feel is in any way good for me or the world. I'm just supposed to TRUST that the ONE who could have whispered and worked it all out, didn't because somehow this is better.

I didn't say it was pretty, but that is where I am; eyes wide open. Even with my eyes wide open and feeling the pain I feel, I'm trying to TRUST HIM.

It feels like doing the trust fall with a partner who has already let me fall once.

TRADING PLACES

I find myself thinking a lot lately about what Steve would be doing if the roles were reversed. It has always been on my mind, but it has been weighing heavily on me the past couple of weeks.

Back story: Steve and I never really talked about one of us dying, but we had a conversation about not wanting people to be standing around over a dead body because we both knew that the person was not there any longer. It seems like even people you aren't close to, think it is necessary to go up to the open casket to pay respect. We were both aware that most people see this as a respect issue. However, we both felt that it does more emotional harm to the living than any amount of respect that could be showed. The dead person is already in heaven and no one knows whether or not they can see who is at the funeral crying over their body, but Steve always said, "I won't care." So the decision to not have his body at the celebration of life and to not have a graveside service was easy for me.That was about all we had ever discussed about death and I knew that was what he would want.

Currently: The part I struggled with was whether or not I should go to the grave when he was buried and if I should visit the grave afterwards. To be completely honest, I was not strong enough to go the day they buried him. So, he was buried without me there. Looking back at that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and the guilt continues, because I STILL can not bring myself to go to his grave. Someone asked me why I feel so guilty that I haven't gone since he is in heaven and wouldn't care anyway. I feel like I have failed him because I can't bring myself to do that one last thing that people do when someone dies. I feel like no matter what he said, he would have gone to my grave.

So, I've been contemplating the why. If he's not there, he won't care is what we decided. It just feels wrong, it feels like I'm being selfish. I have met a few widows recently and they talked about how visiting their husbands grave brought them comfort in some way. One of them writes him letters and buries the letters at his grave every 3 weeks. I can not see how going to his grave is supposed to bring me comfort in any way. But, it seems like it is was I'm supposed to do. Then the thought crosses my mind, what would he do. I honestly don't know, but I tend to think he would have been there the day they buried me and he probably would have gone to see the stone after it was set. I feel guilt because he would have endured that tremendous pain if the roles were reversed.

IN EVERY PART OF MY LIFE, I wonder if I wasn't here and Steve had to do this what would he do? It seems like it's my responsibility to continue our lives the way they would have continued with both of us here.

Missing my Go to Guy

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks that I have wanted to talk to Steve about. It is so hard to put into words, but we were so close that I literally talked to him about EVERYTHING. Now, when something happens that I can't discuss with him, it feels like the knife gets twisted and thrust in further.
First, I think my counselor is done with me. Like quit on me! During our last session, we discussed some questions I have about faith and God. She obviously didn't agree with me. She tried to tell me God was a woman and that our deceased loved ones are hovering above us and in us. I did really good though, I didn't tell her she was wrong, I didn't even argue with her at all. I just let it go. I think, my questions and belief system must have scared her off though. I really wanted to tell Steve what she said, but then again I wouldn't have even been seeing her if Steve was here. She is the second counselor I've had though; the first said she had no idea how to help me and this one just quit.

Second, since Steve passed away I have been extremely forgetful. I forgot to send an email that was required for the girl's schooling. While I was at grief share, the person in charge of the school event called and left a message on my voice mail. I didn't get home and remember that I had a voice mail until after 10p.m. Thinking it would be too late to call the woman back, I sent an email with the requested information. Apparently, my forgetfulness was a HUGE deal and the woman sent an ignorant email back to me griping at me about not emailing in the first place and also not answering her call the night before.  I called her to explain that I thought I had sent the email, but I forgot and I didn't answer the phone because I was in Grief share and when I got home, I didn't want to call her too late. Her only response to me was well, I didn't know any of that and you didn't tell me in the email you sent that the reason you didn't call was because it was too late. SERIOUSLY! This is supposed to be a Christian Woman leading a Christian schooling event. I understand that I messed up, but a little understanding would have gone a long way.

Third, one of my classes required that my group of 6 people do a presentation. I was assigned the introduction and the ending. Unfortunately, this presentation was due right at the one year anniversary mark, so my mind was not in it. I thought I was supposed to do parts another person did. I'm still not sure which one of us was supposed to do it, but it got done. I just didn't do much of it.

Fourth, one of my instructor's is on a power trip and got upset because I closed my laptop before class was over. I just keep thinking, this feels more like High School than Law School. I have always closely guarded what I say (until this blog) and do because it seems like I'm taken the wrong way a lot. This situation totally blew my mind. It wasn't like I was putting stuff away in my bag, I simply closed the lid on my laptop.

Fifth, I attempted to call a creditor. The bill is in Steve's name only, but it's one of those situations where by Missouri State law the asset is mine, which I would assume means the company wants me to pay for it. I sent the company a copy of Steve's death certificate to verify that he could not longer handle the situation and that I would be handling it. I called to talk to them and they asked me what name the account was it. I told them Steve's name and the lady says I need the name on the account. I said, that is the name on the account. She says, you have to give me the name exactly as it appears on the account. HELLOOOOO! That is my husband's name. Here is his full name too, does that help? No, apparently they have some odd variation of his name listed and they either need to speak with him or they need me to tell them how his name appears on the account. Great! Well, if you can't talk to me, after I sent the death certificate in, then good luck getting your money.

There is so much more on a day to day basis, but these are all things that somehow Steve would have made seem like less of a big deal. He would have said something funny that would have become an inside joke told all the time.

The First Year - Some of the things I've learned

The one year anniversary of Steve's death has just passed. Over this past year, I have learned some things I never wanted to know. Overall, what I think and feel changes more frequently than I ever thought possible. Just when I think that I've passed a stage of grief, it comes back. Someone described it as a tangled ball.Obviously, not everyone grieves the same way, but this is what I've learned.

Friends are vital.  As much as you don't feel like talking, you have to. Good friends look beyond the pain, grab hold and don't let go. They are very rare!

You will feel alone, even if you have good friends.

You will feel like you have lost your mind. It is common to forget very important things.

You will feel like you have lost touch with reality. Often your dreams will seem more real than your life.

You will not want to be around couples. They will be a constant reminder of what you have lost. It is still this way a year later.

You will dream of him A LOT. In your dreams he will have survived, or he will have died and come back or he will have died and only you can see him. This still happens after a year, but much less frequently now.

You will feel like you have lost part of yourself. You HAVE lost part of yourself.

You will obsess over things you never thought of before; death, heaven, clouds, eternity,the last time you saw them, time of death, etc. After 6 months, this comes and goes

You will have a ton of regrets. You will regret things you did, things you didn't do; things you could have changed and things you couldn't have changed. You do eventually come to terms with the fact that you cannot change the past, but there will still be days that you cry through the regret.

You will feel absolutely HOPELESS. You may even feel jealous of dying people (understand that this also relates to feeling like you have lost your mind). Thankfully this will start to fade after about 4 months.

It will feel like the best part of your life is over. This comes and goes. Eventually you just learn to go on and try not to thing about the future.

You will feel abandoned by God. In the darkest time of your life when you are looking the hardest for God, you will not recognize Him.

You have not been abandoned by God. I don't know why he seems to stay silent when you need him most. Maybe the grief is just too loud. Nevertheless, eventually you will start to feel some peace and presence again.

August 19 - 26, 2014

Law school has me way too busy to write like I should. I have 5 classes and there is about 8 hours a week of homework for just one of those classes. I can't really remember what I did on the 19th.

August 20th, I went to see the counselor again; I'm just not sure we are a good fit. However, I don't have time to find a new one.

August 21st, I woke up in a decent mood, but a conversation with a friend quickly changed my mood. It kind of ruined my day. Sometimes friendships are lost, not because of death, but other reasons beyond our control.

August 22nd The girls and I participated in a local 5 k along with a few other people. The 5k took place in Forest Park. Forest Park is across the street from the hospital Steve died in. I have made it a point to not drive by that hospital since September 11, 2013. I have gone to Forest Park, but I go a different way. When I drove to the 5k it was daylight and I managed to drive in a different way to avoid the hospital. I was not aware that the 5k would put me in a position to stare directly at that hospital. Then when we left, it was dark so my friend was guiding me by GPS. The GPS took me right by the hospital. I seriously thought, it's ok I'll just deal with it. Then it happened; I couldn't control the tears. I couldn't stop looking at the area of the hospital we were in. Wondering if the room I was looking at was the room where I last kissed my husband goodbye. I LEFT MY LIFE IN THAT HOSPITAL and I haven't allowed myself to even consider looking at it since then.

August 23rd. I spent the day running around preparing for a bridal shower I was throwing for my soon to be sister in law. We did the shower and then I took the girls to get a pedicure. By the time I got home I was too tired to do homework.

August 24th. Went to church and then went to serve a summons. That turned into a huge issue. I have served papers for a couple years and I've never had a problem. This guy was insistent that he was not accepting the papers. I was glad my son was with me because the guy became irate and my son had to step in to stop him from hurting me and/or my vehicle. After dealing with all of this, I didn't get home in time to do homework yet again.

August 25th and 26th. I went to school, took the girls to karate, and did tons of homework.

People have been telling me to expect the one year anniversary of his death to set me back again. I thought maybe I would keep myself so busy with school that I would be able to deal with it a little better. This thing is so unpredictable. It's like I can feel myself falling in slow motion. You would think that the ability to have good days would give someone like me hope that the future won't suck. When the bad days hit, it makes you realize that this pain will last FOREVER. It may not be as intense every day, but there will be days when it will be this intense and those days will keep coming  FOREVER.

August 18, 2014

Today was my first full day of classes. It was a VERY long day with a lot of information flying at me. I enjoyed most of the classes, but I really wish I could have made my own schedule. I could have better managed my time.

The good in today: I attended all my classes and completed all my homework AND I made it home in time to take my kids to karate.

Thought process: Parenting alone is hard work. I didn't realize how difficult going to school full time and single parenting would be emotionally and mentally. I feel horrible and I consider giving up at least 10 times a day because I never have any real quality time to spend with the girls anymore. When I'm home I am doing homework ALL THE TIME. This is just the beginning of law school, so I can only imagine what the future holds. I know that the girls watching me do this will hopefully give them the drive to go far in their education. Sometimes, I just wonder if I'm making a mistake in my timing. There are + and - on both sides and here again is another time that I would love to talk to Steve.

August 13th-15th 2014

Orientation week is finally over. It was unbelievably busy and pretty strenuous, even though it was just orientation. There is already a ton of homework to do this weekend.

August 13th was Service Project Day. My group volunteered at the St. Louis Kennedy Sports Complex unloading books off of a truck and organizing them. It doesn't sound like that much work, but my feet and back were feeling it by the end of the day. We rode to the Sports complex and back in a school bus. Believe it or not, that is the first time I have ever ridden a school bus; perks of private school. I now know that I didn't miss out on anything. It was VERY LOUD! I also made the mistake of sitting in the back of the bus on the trip back to school and I was pretty nauseated by the time we got off.

August 14th was the day where we were all introduced to all the clubs on campus. I was very interested in the Constitutional Law club until I started talking to them. The first thing they said is "We are the liberal progressives on campus." REALLY! Well that plan went down the toilet.

Today, I was actually able to attend my kid's karate belt ceremony so that was great. I started trying to get some homework done, but things kept distracting me. I forgot to get a prescription, so I had to go do that. Our clients were having a problem signing on to the site, so I had to fix that.
One of my daughters went outside for something earlier today and when she came back in she said that two guys were knocking on doors on our street. My son happened to fall asleep on my couch today, so I made a little sign and hung it on the front door. I need to buy a professionally made sign like this.

Deep thoughts: I keep saying WE and OUR when referencing things that are really ME and I now. It's so hard to come to grips with the fact that he really isn't ever coming back. People tell you that you have to actually process the grief or you will never get through it. They say don't push it down because it will only come out in a worse way. The problem is if I truly processed my grief ALL THE TIME, I would not be able to survive, let alone be productive. Honestly, some days I have to push it down just to keep going. It's an unfortunate skill that grieving people learn eventually. In the beginning of this journey there is no way to filter the pain. I remember sitting in restaurants with family, riding in a car with someone, or talking on the phone and just crying uncontrollably. Now, I have learned how to turn it off until I'm alone. However, there are still sometimes that my filter breaks and I can't control the tears. Sometimes, I'm sitting here trying to solve a problem or thinking intently about a situation and I get a flash of what Steve would say at this moment. At those times, I can't help but let it all out because I miss him and there is nothing that can stop the longing. Sure, I put one foot in front of the other and "do the next thing" which means I'm surviving and I'm doing what I can to better life for my girls. All the while I know that I'm doing what Steve wanted me to do years ago and wishing I had done it then. More than anything just wishing that I could rewind all of this and make it different.

August 11 and 12

Yesterday was the 11 month anniversary of Steve's death.  Yesterday was also the first day of law school. It is definitely very intimidating, but I haven't quit yet so that's a plus. There are around 170 in our class and I met and spoke to 2  that are close to my age. One is a Part time evening student and the other is a day student in a different section. Which means at least 3 of us did something else with our younger years and decided to go to law school a little later.

I have been parking in my $105 a month parking spot. I wish I owned a 200 sq ft piece of property that someone paid $105 a moth for. Does this really look like it's worth $105 a month?

Today, I went to my first full day of school and my Mom came over to help the girls while I was gone. It went o.k. until I got home. For some reason my 9 year old thinks her world is crashing if she gets even one thing wrong on her homework. If she pronounces a word wrong and I try to explain it or if she multiplies a math problem wrong and I mark it wrong on the paper, she cries. It's not like a I'm mad at you cry, it's like she thinks she's a failure if she gets something wrong. So, when I walked in the door she was just realizing that she did a math problem wrong and she had a melt down. She has severe dyslexia, so you can imagine how often she reads something wrong. This is becoming a major problem. My emotional state isn't the greatest right now, so when she cries, I cry. It was a mess. Hopefully this will get easier.

Tomorrow is Service Project Day

August 10, 2014

I completed my first assignment today. Can you believe I have two assignments due during orientation week? I've been reading a book that is required for one of my classes, it's called The Other Wes Moore. It has been pretty interesting so far.

The good in today:  I got pulled over by a police officer today. It's the first time in years I have been pulled over. I didn't do anything wrong. When I bought my car it came without a bracket on the front of it to put a license plate. I don't know how to put a license plate bracket on my car, so I've never bothered with it. Apparently in Missouri, you have to have a front and back license plate. Of course, I had taken my Driver's license out of my purse the other day because I needed to take it into the gym with me and I forgot to put it back in my purse. The only ID I had on me was my CCW and my Private Investigator's license. Thankfully I had my son, the cop, in the car with me. It also didn't hurt that the officer had just graduated with his Masters from Lindenwood and I also received my Masters at Lindenwood so after we talked about all that, he didn't even write a ticket. Woot!

Thought process today: I'm overwhelmed at how much there is to do. I have been with my kids every day for the last 8 years. Even when I had to go on an investigation assignment for a few hours, I left them with their Dad. I feel guilty knowing that I will be spending so much time focusing on school for the next 3 years. I know it the end it will better our lives, but for now it is a sacrifice I wish they didn't have to make.
I'm not a social happy hour kind of person. I would rather go to dinner with a friend or two than to hang out in a bar with a group of people. It's not my thing. I don't drink and I don't enjoy large social functions. Orientation week has 3 social happy hour type events and all of them are mandatory. So, I will have to spend days and evening away from my kids this week and I will most likely miss their karate belt ceremony because of one of these stupid events. Somehow, I think by the time you reach law school these events should not be mandatory. The only optional event in the whole week, is the interfaith prayer breakfast. It is however mandatory that I sit with a bunch of people getting drunk. Just my opinion.

Revelation

I already messed up my new strategy; I didn't write Thursday and Friday. Thursday was just really boring! Friday was busy but very hard for a friend of mine, so I spent some time helping her with a few things.

Today, I went shopping for Law School clothes. I HATE shopping for clothes. I'm vertically challenged so finding pants short enough is difficult. I had to spend a lot of money but I finally found some. Now I have to read a book that apparently was required reading before this Wednesday, but no one told our class until yesterday. I have a feeling, I'm going to be needed to wear my glasses a lot.

Thought process lately: Everyone who knows me in real life knows that I have a polarized thinking pattern. Every thing is Black or White, Right or Wrong, etc. I have always believed that if you are TRYING to live righteously then you are under the protection of God; if you decide that you know something is wrong but want to do it anyway, then you walk out from under that protection. I still think that is true, but not to the extent my mind took it. I determined that since we were TRYING to live out everything we new to be right that God will NOT EVER allow anything like the sudden death of my husband to happen.

I keep emphasizing trying, because I am fully aware that no one can live a completely sinless life.

On the other hand, I have heard over and over again that everything that happens is in God's will. I just have not been able to wrap my mind around this thought process. But, I know why this idea is so easily accepted; after you get over the initial anger at God, it tells you that there is nothing that could have been done. It allows your mind to deal with the regret and try to move passed the what if I had done something different question. Because if it was God's will, nothing would have changed it.

I just cannot believe that a loving and just God would desire for war, famine, earthquakes, abortions,  and the sudden death of my husband at 44 years old. 

I keep coming back to an unborn baby. It is an innocent life; it has not committed any sin. An innocent child would be the most likely person for God to protect, but there are over a million babies murdered every year. No one can convince me that is God's will or that the baby did anything to remove the protection of God from it's life.

So, I've been asking God over and over again to show me what I'm missing. Were we living in some blatant sin, I didn't see? Was this really in His will? I just have not been able to find peace with either answer and then revelation came. I don't pretend to understand all of this, but I know that understanding the core process has given me some peace about God's role in it all. I will try my best to explain this.

Steve and I were talking one day about doomsday stuff and I was very adamant that I didn't want to hear about it. I was living under the protection of God, so nothing bad will happen to us bubble. Steve said look at the Christians in Egypt being beheaded because of their faith in God. I didn't get what he meant when he said it, but now I get it. You can live as righteously as you know how and you can die living that way and it still was NOT God's will. Neither of my polarized thoughts are the answer. Sometimes they could be the answer, but they are not always the answer. I have been stuck on this problem because I failed to see that things are not ALWAYS black and white.

I understand that God is capable of stopping bad things from happening and sometimes He actually does stop them, but sometimes He doesn't. I don't know why, but I'm starting to get some revelation on this. More on that hopefully in the next few days.

This does not change the grief I feel over the loss of my husband, but I believe I'm finally to a point that I can believe that God is not at fault and we probably aren't either.

August 6, 2014

Today was pretty busy again. I was at one of our client's sites most of the day doing random testing. I love busy days, except that I feel guilty for being away from my kids when I'm so busy.

The good in today. My son helped me with work and then he went with me to grief share. I have been attending grief share on Wednesday evenings for a while. I think it helps to go. Sometimes it helps more than others. A friend sent me a text to see how I was doing today. I also had a lot of company for lunch today, which was nice.

The thoughts of today: A question that was posed to me today Someone asked what I think about sightings of our dead loved ones. I have ALWAYS insisted that it's not possible because 2 Corinthians 5:8 says that when we are absent from the body we are present with God and Luke 23:43 Jesus tells the thief, today you will be with me in Paradise. I have used these two scriptures to base my beliefs on regarding our loved ones spirits.

Someone told me today that their two year old grandson keeps pointing and saying Paw Paw. Paw Paw died a few months ago. I have heard this kind of thing from several people. It's usually children that allegedly see the spirit, but I've talked to a few widows that say they have seen their husband's spirit as well. So, I began to wonder, if maybe I'm wrong. I have been proven wrong in a major ways regarding my faith already, so maybe I need to do some more searching on this issue. It is horrible to think that maybe I'm missing something I should be seeing.

The only scripture I can find that make it a possibility is the same scripture people use to tell me that there is no marriage in heaven. Matthew 22:30 tells us that after death we are like God's Angels. Angels appear to people, so if we are like Angels then maybe it happens.  Genesis 28:12 is where Jacob dreamed about the ladder that led to heaven. Many people claim that ladder was a portal (do a search, you will see what I mean) which allowed Angels to descend and ascend between the 3rd Heaven and here without interference from demonic forces. Heavenly Portals? It all sounds so sci fi.

I really don't know what I think on this subject right now. I believe that those kids are seeing something; whether it is the real spirit of their loved one visiting them or whether it is an Angel that looks like their loved one, I don't know.

Either way, I wonder why I haven't had the experience.

New Approach

It was suggested to me that I start taking a new approach to blogging. I have always found writing therapeutic, but I tend to censor what I publish for others. I wait until I have stored up a ton of emotions and then I kind of throw up on the page. So, here goes.

Today was a decent day. I was busy all day long, which makes life easier. I still find sleeping to be the best part of life, so when a day is crammed full it makes the day go faster. I still dream of Steve pretty often, so sleeping is a nice escape from reality for me.

The good in today: I had my hair colored today; I can't stand it when my hair starts showing the gray. My oldest daughter called, my son and nephew came to see me, and I attempted to talk to a friend about 5 different times today. Attempting to talk to a friend doesn't seem like a big deal, but I'm very introverted and I never make phone calls, so it was a step for me. I also voted today.


The major thought processes today:  1. Somehow I have to get my brain functioning again. I keep forgetting everything and that's not going to work out in law school very well.
2. As much as I thought I was getting over questioning God, I realized when talking to someone that I am still questioning Him in some ways. Someone made the statement that a certain situation didn't have to be the way it is; we could pray for God to intervene and change it.  I know God could definitely do it, but would He.

Defective

I don't even know where to begin. I have had a couple of weeks of massive waves of grief. I'm grieving a lot of secondary losses. I've been participating in my own grieving process and observing some others. While it is all very individual there are common threads.

Grieving people really need other people around them to help them process life. They need help with manual tasks, but mainly they need your presence. They need people around to listen. Some grieving people will not open up to people they are close to because those people might be grieving too; other's of us will only open to people we are close to. This can be a big problem when the people we are close to start pulling away.

Everyone eventually pulls away.

Talk to any grieving person and they will tell you they feel so alone. I've tried to see this from the other side. I understand that those of us who are grieving are not the best company to be around. Most people avoid a grieving person because they have no idea what to say.  I know we are depressing and if you listen to us venting our pain you might get sad. Why would anyone go through this much pain, by proxy, if they don't have to, right.

Alone is a horrible place to be. Alone = NO hope.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to have someone to listen. Eventually, our grief takes a toll on your friendship and we see that our grieving is killing that relationship too. Our grief kills every relationship we have; so we shut down and bottle it all up. There are times we have kept it inside so long that just being in the presence of other people makes us cry. We so badly want to talk it out, because talking actually makes us feel better, but we won't talk because we know you don't want to hear it.

People will think you are doing better because you are not crying all their shoulder all the time. If it's even possible you feel like even more of you is dying because now you have lost many of the other relationships in your life too.

I feel broken like I'm some kind of defective person now. I lost the only person in the world who made me feel whole. 

Next step is to pay someone to listen to me. At least I know the parameters; they don't care, but they won't pull away.  

Having a broken heart is like having broken ribs. On the outside you look fine, but every breath hurts! Greg Behrendt 

What is God doing?

I've been following Chonda Pierce on facebook for a long time, but I started to watch more closely when her husband went into the hospital a few weeks ago. She has over 270,000 people following her on facebook alone, so I'm thinking even if just half of those people are praying for her husband that's amazing. I found myself telling God that I still don't understand why he didn't save my husband, but if He really wanted people to take notice or to bring glory to Himself then healing David Pierce would surely do that. After all over 270,000 people were watching.

Again, I'm wrong! Over 270,000 people watched as Chonda Pierce stood on faith and prayed for her husband and then he died.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GOD IS DOING. Obviously, it doesn't matter to Him that I would like an explanation. Terrorists kill Christians and people that do horrible things live to grow old, but good people; people who trust God, are dying too young. Israel is fighting to survive, planes are being shot out of the sky; HELLLOOOOO, God, do you not see what's happening on planet earth? Now is as good a time as any in the past to show yourself.

I've met quite a few widows since Steve passed away. When I come across a woman who has just started this journey, I usually just keep my mouth shut because I know that there are no words that will help. I still cannot fathom that I will ever be "happy"again. There are moments of joy, but a lifetime of happiness is what I thought I would have. So, I'm in no position to give advice I'm still full of questions and regrets. I still start to have a panic attack if I go into a medical facility. I still don't understand anything. So here I am, still expecting God to do something I can understand, which is apparently ridiculous of me. Frustrated!

10 months 6 days

I don't even know where to begin. Every stage right now is uncharted territory for me, so I ALWAYS feel like I'm in a strange place. Nothing feels right.

 I had been pretty stable emotionally lately; meaning I'm not falling apart at the drop of a hat. Until this past week...

I'm finding that I'm not as patient with people's petty crap anymore.  I can't deal with the negativity between people. I keep comparing the importance of everything to what I had. If you are still married to the love of your life and you get to be with them, then forget all the petty, negative garbage.

Things beyond my control are happening around me and I'm not dealing with them well. Within a few days of a death most people (not family) have gone one with their lives; within a few months all those people expect that I have figured out how to go on with mine too. Am I ever going to figure it out? I don't know.
People say or do things with no intention of hurting me at all; they are just less sensitive now and don't think. I'm not mad about it and I typically just forget about it. However, this brings about some difficult feelings for me to process. I have always just done whatever people wanted and gone along with what was expected. Steve always protected me in these situations. Now, I have to figure our how to protect me. There are certain things I just know I cannot deal with; It's like pouring salt in an open wound. I'm afraid, I'm going to end up hurting people close to me because sometimes the process of trying to heal and protect myself means I can't do what is expected anymore.

Beauty and Pain

I'm still stuck in this wave; grieving the loss of who Steve was to me. No one could ever accuse me of being a feminist because I miss how he made me feel like his prized possession. He was not possessive; he let me do whatever I wanted, but he made it known that I was his. I was safe as long as I was with him.

I miss the way he protected me; not just physically but emotionally. He knew how to help me. It is an amazing thing when you are so in sync with someone that they know what your heart means, even when your words say something different. We truly were ONE!

It's unbelievable how some things will take me by surprise and be almost impossible for me to do. Yesterday was really hard for me. I don't even think it was the fact that we weren't doing our annual tradition that got to me, it was that I was going to spend time with other family members and he wasn't there. Complete emptiness where there was once presence. 

It's both beautiful and painful to have loved and been loved like that.

Waves of Grief

A new wave is here. I know all the waves I have come through are not gone forever, they will be back. But, I'm learning to try to focus on one wave of grief at a time. I have pretty much stopped questioning God; I probably won't get an answer.

I have ridden the wave of grief over the loss of my biggest role in life, as a wife. Now I'm trying not to drown in the wave of grief over the loss of his role.

I miss my best friend. I miss the person that I had 100% confidence in to protect me and support me.  I miss the man who defended me and stood up for me when I was treated poorly. I miss having him to talk to and hearing his opinion.

I miss how he always held steady and did what he said he would do. When people close to us were being stupid; we always had each other.

I simply miss him and who he was to me.

What could have happened

I had a dream that has made me think about a couple things about divine intervention.

• There are a few times that I know of where I felt God intervened and saved Steve. I wonder how many times I don't know about. This doesn't lessen the pain of the fact that he didn't intervene on September 11, 2013, it only help to remind me that I should be grateful for all the time I did have him.

• I have come to realize that there is NO way to prevent certain things from happening. People can reduce risks, but they can never eliminate it. I know several Christians that have been diagnosed with cancer over the past couple months. The reality is that I will never understand why God allows things to happen, but I am grateful that Steve did not have to go through a long illness. I don't know, it might have been easier for me to deal with if I had been able to prepare; but I doubt it. I love Steve enough to outweigh my selfish desire to BE PREPARED and be grateful that he died suddenly. 

I don't think the pain will ever end and some days I'm not sure I will be able to stay sane, but I have noticed that in a VERY small way it helps to think about how much worse it could have been. He could have died in a lot worse ways.

After he died, some people said "maybe God was saving him from something worse" and my response was God could have healed him now and stopped whatever the worse thing is too. He's God, right? Except, God doesn't always intervene and I have no idea why. I don't think there is a magic prayer with specific words that makes him intervene, but for some reason he does, SOMETIMES. I really wish I knew what causes divine intervention. Maybe they were right; maybe God was saving him from something worse. I don't think God killed him, but it might explain why God didn't allow him to stay here.

I've notice the majority of Christians are extremely naive, like I was, and they honestly believe that they know what God will do. If I've learned anything it's that I don't know anything.

May 11, 2014

Mother's day, 8 months, and my nephew's graduation day. It was a very big day to process. I left town on Friday, May 9th to go down to Branson. This was my 2nd trip out of town since Steve's been gone. The first trip was a disaster. This one wasn't a disaster, but I have discovered that even trying to go on vacation is very difficult without him. Sitting in a hotel room with no one to talk to is boring. Doing practically anything without him is boring.

I was very proud of my nephew Troy for finishing his Bachelor's degree at 20 years old. However, the day was bittersweet. Troy's mother died when he was 4 months old and then Steve 8 months to the day before his graduation. Both of them should have been there to see this accomplishment and celebrate with us. Both of them are missing from all the pictures. The hole they have left is incomprehensible.

Loss of control

I hate the loss of control that I feel. I know everyone feels some sense of control of their life, but I think people that have lost someone very close to them have a realization that we really don't have a lot of control at all.  To some people a lack of control is a huge relief, but for me it is terrifying.

I would love to be at a place that I could say God is in control and that would satisfy me. It is hard to admit that I am not there yet. I feel like a horrible person because I cannot just make myself feel better by trusting that God is in control. After all, if God is in complete control then I obviously don't like the choice he made.

I keep trying to convince myself that there are things I do not understand; only God knows and all of this must be part of God's plan. Apparently I can change my mind about a million times a day because my head is constantly spinning with questions that change my mind.

It seems like the only people that have any real peace are the ones that just say it is all in God's control and they seem to actually trust that that is good enough for them. Maybe those people don't really have any peace, maybe it's just a faith statement; I don't know. I guess I won't know unless I can get to the point that I can believe that God was in control of it all and made a choice I can't believe he would make and then try to get beyond how betrayed that makes me feel.

Again

Very rarely something happens that completely takes you by surprise and you just CANNOT believe it's true. Could be a car wreck, a diagnosis,unplanned pregnancy, or a death. That feeling of absolute helplessness in an instant; your heart suddenly stops. That's how I felt when the Doctor's said there was nothing more they could do. That's how I have felt over and over again for months.

I thought I had started to accept that he was gone and I was going to have to figure out how to keep going without him, but apparently I haven't begun to accept it. That whole feeling has just come back instantaneously. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HE WAS TALKING TO ME ONE MINUTE AND GONE 10 MINUTES LATER. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT ME HERE.
Why do I have to go through this intense pain again? How many times am I going to have to start back at the beginning of all this pain?

6 Months

March 11, 2014 was 6 months. I did better than I thought I would, which kind of concerns me. I have remembered some things in the past week that have helped a little. It hasn't helped with the pain of losing Steve, but it has helped with the questions.
I have been looking for the balance between the "have faith and God will do whatever you ask" and "It was God's will" because the first statement didn't prove true and the second, I just don't believe. I remembered a statement I made to a friend once. He does not believe in God and he was asking me why a God would allow so much suffering and I told him that he was expecting Heaven now and we aren't there yet. My head knows that, but my heart couldn't understand it over the past 6 months. It still didn't answer for me why God intervenes for some and not for others. Sometimes it seems He intervenes for those who are doing less for him and then He sits still while those who are doing the most for him are suffering.

I had another realization about God's intervention. God exists outside of time and I cannot see the end. I have had people try to tell me that God may have let Steve die so that I would draw closer to Him. I hope that is not true! However, I do think it is possible that there are things that God knows and  I could never comprehend. I have no idea what those things are; if I did, I would know as much as God. I look at this situation and think about all the people Steve was helping and lives he touched; it seems to me that a lot more people would have been drawn to God if he had lived. Apparently, there will be some crazy twists and turns that I can't imagine.
I honestly think my life will be worse now that he is gone and I'm not convinced that my life is ever going to get better. No matter what I do from now until I die, it will be done without my biggest cheerleader. He's been telling me for at least 5 years to go to law school; it will be a very bittersweet journey.

Almost 6 months

I have not written in a little while because I have been trying to figure out how to explain where I am. I still don't know how to explain it.
I became extremely depressed in December and that lasted a few weeks. After a long conversation with a friend, I started to come out of the deep depression into a more "accceptable" depression for my situation.

I've been praying for almost 6 months for God to give me some answers or take away the questions. Give me some desire to live....something! For the past few weeks I have begun to see some very small speck of hope that life may not be over for me. Of course, in order to get there  I have had to take a break from my grief. I didn't even feel like that was a possibility a few months ago, but I'm guessing God did that because I was consumed with grief and now I'm grieving differently.

I no longer walk in the house looking for him; I still wonder why we didn't get our miracle. There are some days, like today, that I can't imagine HOW I will keep going, but it's no longer a question of whether or not I WANT to keep going. Believe it or not it took a LONG time before I decided I even wanted to live.

I survive most days by trying to not think about it all (seems impossible, I know) but it works for short periods of time. I know I have to deal with my grief, but dealing with my grief led me to complete despair and I can't go back there right now. So, for now, I put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about everything I have lost and everything I will never have or be again. It doesn't work for very long, but at least I get a few days out of it.

I've had to admit to myself that I don't know as much as I thought I knew regarding my faith. But, I've figured out most people don't know as much as they think they do regarding their faith. Now a lot of my answers are I DON'T KNOW!

I joined a grief share support group. The creators of the series, the counselor, and all the other members of this particular group believe that God already pre-ordained the date of our death and nothing we do can change it. They base this belief on Psalm 139:16. My question is if nothing we do can change it then why eat healthy and why go to a doctor when we are sick? Either we will live or die but it won't matter what we do.  This is one of those question I don't know the answer to. Does God really pre-ordain are date of death?  If so, what's the point of faith?

5 Months

It's been 5 months today. I'm usually harder on myself than anyone else, but for some reason I'm allowing myself to grieve longer than some think I should. I still wake up not knowing how I'm going to function through the day, but I get up and do it. I don't feel like I should be making major decisions without you, it still seems impossible to me that I am here without you. Trying to plan our lives now just feels all wrong.
Every day I remember something I should have done differently and I realize I wasn't half as good of a wife as I thought I was. I know it's too little too late. I'm working on trying to be present; not wishing to rewind time or fast forward time, but that's pretty difficult to do. I kind of feel like I'm standing still while everyone else is moving. Every once in a while I think I might take a step, but I'm not ready. Whether it's true or not, if I take a step, I feel like I will be walking away from you and I can't do that.

To Preachers, Speakers, Teachers, Etc.

I feel like all of my conversations with God lately are about my state of absolute confusion about what he really wants. I have sat in countless church services throughout my life and over the last few months I've been more perplexed than ever. I've heard so many statements that are said with unwavering determination, but not a lot of explanation surrounds the statements. I heard a t.v. preacher saying if you love God and live a good life you won't die young. Really? What about the ones who died young are you really make a definitive statement that all those people did not love God and live a good life.
I understand that preacher's can't sugar coat everything they say and they feel strongly about what they are speaking about. But, sometimes I wonder how a new christian ever survives or the person like me dealing with having believed all of this forever and now grieving the loss of my husband.


You say: It does not matter what the circumstance is IF you have faith and believe then God WILL heal.
Grief hears: Something must be wrong with my faith because God didn't heal.

You say: God is sovereign and everything that happens is in his will.
Grief hears: It was God's will for my 44 year old husband to die, for me to fight depression, and my children to be fatherless. So what's the point of having faith?

You say: When you get on the other side of this pain, you will look back and see that it was all part of God's plan.
Grief hears: God needed for my husband to die to accomplish something else.

You say: Sometimes God allows bad things to happen to cause us to rely on him completely.
Grief hears: I wasn't a good enough Christian so God had to allow my husband to die and wake me up.

You say: If you just ask God for help he will give it to you. He says "my sheep know my voice and another they will not follow". He is close to the brokenhearted.
Grief hears: Since it seems like God has forgotten I exist, I must be too far gone. I AM BROKENHEARTED!


I don't know how to reconcile all these issues, but I know that most of them have an answer for. I really appreciate when a preacher can be honest if they don't know and just say, "I just don't know." It doesn't make me feel any better, less guilty, or more adequate, but at least it's honest.
It's a horrible feeling to sit in a church and hear a preacher say these things and all you can do is sit there silently saying, BUT WHAT ABOUT? It is really not about unbelief or doubting God, it is about the fact that some information is missing and I want to find it. There is such a difference between what is preached out of the Bible and what has happened. Unless I allow myself to believe what Grief hears, I need another resolution. I'm not asking Why my husband died anymore; I would love for God to give me that revelation, I think. What I'm asking is how do I resolve all these paradoxes. I'm sure that God has given someone a revelation on this.

First road trip.

I decided to take a small road trip to a conference in Chicago. I arrived Thursday evening and was doing o.k., but then Friday morning came. Mornings are still extremely difficult; there is still that first few seconds of realization that Steve's not here and I'm going to have to deal with another day of this pain. Being away from home was harder than I thought. It sounds crazy but when I'm home at least I have a realization that Steve is gone. Being away from home, I found myself thinking that I needed to call him, because he was waiting to hear from me. I know how insane that sounds! Friday morning in Chicago and I fall apart. Then memories come flooding back, the kind of memories of things I wish I had done differently or things we said we were going to do and we hadn't done them yet.
I was there for a Christian Women's Conference. This is going to sound kind of ignorant, but when I'm in a room full of people I find myself scanning every left hand to see if they have a wedding ring. I don't even deliberately do it, I just notice that I am doing it. The majority of the women had wedding rings, and then I found myself getting upset because they are at this conference and they have no idea what I would give to be at home with my husband instead of here. They have no clue what it would mean to me to just be able to pick up the phone and call him.

Of all the things to happen on Friday morning, the speaker gets up and says they are going to start praying for women who have not been able to get pregnant. My heart sunk and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I'm standing here silently screaming "God what are you doing to me?" It's no secret we tried for years to get pregnant. My crying was not so silent, so I left.

It seems like even more things are about to come to an end whether the girls and I are ready or not and it's going to make life  more difficult. I have no idea what direction our lives will eventually go, but better than this would be nice.

Music

Music takes on a whole different life when you're grieving. I haven't been able to listen to much music since Steve died. Even the stuff that is supposed to make you feel better, like worship music; music generally just depresses me. We used to LOVE country music, most of "our songs" were country songs.
Country music lyrics are hell to listen to now. I stay away from country music on purpose, but stupid restaurants and stores think they need to play music for atmosphere.
I went to the christian concert, Winterjam, a couple weeks ago and even there I lost it over and over again. The meaning of the lyrics has changed now. The meaning of EVERYTHING has changed now!

I can't

My plan has stopped working. Reality floods again; I'm so sick of crying. The hard reality is that I can never change of any this so I need to just figure out how to go on. BUT I CAN'T

I really want to just be able to "Let go and let God" BUT I CAN'T, for reasons that should be obvious by now.

The more time that elapses between the last I love you and now makes the distance between us seem that much farther.

All or nothing

I am in a strange place right now. I've gone from the deepest depression I've ever known to trying to just remain numb and not feel the pain. I thought it was impossible to get numb without drugs or alcohol, but I'm doing it most of the time.

Me and my all or nothing mentality can't find a way to balance allowing myself to have memories and be o.k. at the same time. So, I'm just not remembering. I know this won't last for long, but I had to do it this way; I was too depressed. I'm hoping that SOMEDAY soon I will be able to figure out how to balance memories of what was and reality of what is without being depressed.

I'm still asking God what now and I'm not getting any direction. Still seems to be silence. I've had some dreams that could possibly mean something, but I can't figure them out.  I've decided to pursue some plans for the future just because I can't stand to think about being here without him. GOD HELP ME, I love him and I love us together. It's been more than 4 months and I still cannot imagine how I'm going to live without him.