TRADING PLACES

I find myself thinking a lot lately about what Steve would be doing if the roles were reversed. It has always been on my mind, but it has been weighing heavily on me the past couple of weeks.

Back story: Steve and I never really talked about one of us dying, but we had a conversation about not wanting people to be standing around over a dead body because we both knew that the person was not there any longer. It seems like even people you aren't close to, think it is necessary to go up to the open casket to pay respect. We were both aware that most people see this as a respect issue. However, we both felt that it does more emotional harm to the living than any amount of respect that could be showed. The dead person is already in heaven and no one knows whether or not they can see who is at the funeral crying over their body, but Steve always said, "I won't care." So the decision to not have his body at the celebration of life and to not have a graveside service was easy for me.That was about all we had ever discussed about death and I knew that was what he would want.

Currently: The part I struggled with was whether or not I should go to the grave when he was buried and if I should visit the grave afterwards. To be completely honest, I was not strong enough to go the day they buried him. So, he was buried without me there. Looking back at that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and the guilt continues, because I STILL can not bring myself to go to his grave. Someone asked me why I feel so guilty that I haven't gone since he is in heaven and wouldn't care anyway. I feel like I have failed him because I can't bring myself to do that one last thing that people do when someone dies. I feel like no matter what he said, he would have gone to my grave.

So, I've been contemplating the why. If he's not there, he won't care is what we decided. It just feels wrong, it feels like I'm being selfish. I have met a few widows recently and they talked about how visiting their husbands grave brought them comfort in some way. One of them writes him letters and buries the letters at his grave every 3 weeks. I can not see how going to his grave is supposed to bring me comfort in any way. But, it seems like it is was I'm supposed to do. Then the thought crosses my mind, what would he do. I honestly don't know, but I tend to think he would have been there the day they buried me and he probably would have gone to see the stone after it was set. I feel guilt because he would have endured that tremendous pain if the roles were reversed.

IN EVERY PART OF MY LIFE, I wonder if I wasn't here and Steve had to do this what would he do? It seems like it's my responsibility to continue our lives the way they would have continued with both of us here.