Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I've been pondering this thought a lot lately. I've watched a few younger relationships crash and burn in the last few months and I've noticed similarities that disturb me. I remember Steve telling our kids, "if you're arguing, it's always because one or both of you is being self-centered." It's true! But, I was looking for more of an explanation as to why this selfish thread seems to be so interwoven into people.

It's not a new situation, it's just coming to light in a new way now. A lot of these kids grow up without any idea of what REAL love is. The divorce rate has been higher than 50% since I was a kid, so look at their examples.  They usually live with one parent and visit the other periodically, if at all. So, a lot of what they receive from one of their parents is talk, and a small amount of action.*  Some of these kids didn't get talk or action because a lot of them do not even know who their Dad is. Regardless, my point is a majority of our 20 somethings have a concept of love that is very shallow. They haven't seen deep love in action, THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LOOKS LIKE.
Disclaimer* I realize that there are some parents out there who manage to get divorced and still raise very well rounded children. I also realize that there are some parents who have been dealt a raw deal and it is not their desire to be a part time parent. I'm in no way attacking the parent's; I'm merely pointing out a deficiency in this generation. 

I look at these kids in amazement sometimes at how they actually seek out the SHALLOW love INSTEAD of SOMETHING DEEPER. It blows my mind. They crave the attention the person gives, more than the person themselves. They would rather have someone tell them what they want to hear, and do the opposite, than have someone who actually lives it. They find themselves being unable to build a lasting relationship because it's not built on anything but lip service. They are self-centered; it's all about how can YOU make ME feel, when it what it should be all about is how can I make YOU feel. What actions can I take to show you how valuable you are to me. Real love is so much more than sex and words! This cheap imitation version of love they think they have now will never be strong enough to weather the storms in life. If they ever learn to actually recognize the real thing, they will finally learn how to build a relationship that works.

REAL LOVE IS A DECISION

Journey of Faith

So I have had a policy of not really discussing the nitty gritty of how I feel with people. I have a couple of select people I discuss stuff with and that's it. Here is why:

Christians tend to think they know everything. I know because I used to be the same way. If you haven't figured out that you don't know everything yet, just wait, unfortunately tragedy happens to all of us.

Here is the circle logic that I have heard
1. God didn't cause this, but he allowed it
2. God controls everything
3. God Loves you
4. It wasn't God's will for Steve to die
5. Give it all to God, he will use it for his glory
6. He allows bad things to happen to us, so that we can help other people going through the same issues.
7. You are turning your back on God and you're going to Hell. (Because of my questions)

With the exception of numbers 6 and 7, those statements all sound good on the surface, but when you put 1-6 together, it's a circle. AND How do you say God Loves me (number 3) and then condemn me to Hell (number 7)  in the same breathe JUST BECAUSE I HAVE QUESTIONS!

I will be the first to admit, I do not know much, but here's what I think I know. Romans 10: 9 & 10 gives us specific instructions for salvation and I do not believe my questions make me believe Romans 10: 9 & 10 any less. I do believe that many people walk around this world calling themselves Christians and all they really are is sheep that follow along without having any idea why they believe what they do.

During one of my lowest points, a friend told me that God expects us to question what we believe. How else will we ever really know? Maybe it is in seeking the real answers, instead of the canned ones, that I will finally find some peace. I'm sorry it has been 16 months and I haven't found the answers yet, but I'm still looking for them. I haven't given up trying to find them.

I have some tough questions and I realize no one has most of the answers. That's why I don't discuss it. However, I think everyone should be aware that this kind of grief is not a choice. It is not like I have decided that this is where I stop in my journey to finding out what I believe, I will probably be on this journey for a while.

I fairly sure that this Journey of Faith doesn't condemn me to Hell. 

The Learning Curve

It's funny how Steve was always the one people sought out for marriage counseling, and now here I am, a widow, giving relationship advice to a couple of different people. Life is unbelievable!! It has had me more intentionally thinking about why our relationship worked so well and why it was so good. There is no ONE reason to put my finger on, I know that on the surface it didn't look like a marriage built to last, in the beginning.

I was 18 marrying a 26 yr old man, who had been married and divorced with full custody of two children. I know my parents had to be biting their tongues so hard they were bleeding. Steve had some issues to work through as a result of his previous marriage and looking back on it at times I know it was a mixture of immaturity and God that I didn't walk away.

The first 2 years were not near as beautiful as the last 16 were. 

One thing I knew about him though was he had a heart for God, even as much of a mess as he was at the time, he had a real relationship with God. He wasn't preachy to me or anyone; he wasn't one of those run you over to pray with you kind of guys, but his heart spoke volumes. I feel like I should insert here that I had absolutely NO idea he would end up being a minister; that might have sent me running scared, just kidding- kinda.

Anyway, I was young and even though I was probably "mature for my age," I was immature and he had so much more experience at life than I did so I guess I found it easy to trust him. I think that was the first brick in the foundation of us - Trust. We had been friends before, so it wasn't like I had just started dating some random stranger and had to figure out if he was trustworthy.

I trusted him to take us where we needed to go and he didn't abuse that trust. If he didn't know what to do we discussed it or he talked it over with someone he trusted. I remember one time I didn't trust that he was doing the right thing, it was a huge major life decision that was going to create a lot of stress for our family. I was so upset I started having panic attacks. He just kept telling me that this was the right thing to do and I didn't see it. It took about a year, but I finally saw it. It was definitely the right thing to do.

I see how hard it is for people to trust their significant others and it makes me so much more grateful for what I had. It was work on both our parts, I had to be able to let go and trust him and he had to be a man I could trust and somehow we just did. I grew up a lot and learned a lot about myself (a lot of things that needed to change) and so did he, but after learning everything we learned it was the most awesome love story ever, it just needed to last another 50 years.

New Year

I realize I have already gone through all the firsts without him, but somehow this feels new. I have gone from Jan 1 of one year to Jan 1 of another without him. Beginning to end of an entire year without seeing him, talking to him, just being with him; it seems impossible to me. 

Even though it has been over 15 months since he passed away, every day brings deeper realization that he's really gone. It's crazy how I have gotten good at putting it out of my mind for small periods of time and the next thing I know I'm recognizing that this nightmare is real. 

This time between Christmas and the first week of January was the lowest time for me in 2013 and I thought it was just because it was the first Christmas without him, but I'm finding myself in the same position again this year. Now, I've gone through multiple firsts without him and I'm working through all my seconds without him. No day is easy, but some days are tolerable. Most of the time if a really bad day hits, a decent day is not to far away. I just don't know why this time of year is an extended series of bad days.

Here's to hoping 2015 is better than 2014.