Lately, I've been reminded of all the small things that made our relationship so great. Reflecting on all those details is not easy for me, but it's happening so I go with it. Just about a month before Steve died he was talking to someone and he said "We still have the best marriage of anyone I have ever known" and he was serious. Obviously a lot of people have great marriages and none of them can be classified the best because they are all different based on the individuals involved. BUT, it is an amazing feeling to have been with someone for 18 years and absolutely know that it is the most perfect plan God could have ever had for you. I love who he was and what he stood for. Aside from his faith, I was the most important thing on this earth to him. There is no way to describe how amazing it felt to be the most important person on this earth to Steve Ashbrook.
Grief counselors refer to secondary losses a lot; losses that occur as a result of losing your loved one. I thought I had recognized them all. Sometimes you grieve deeply, and can't put into words what is going through your head. I was trying to figure out a way to explain something the other day and I said it doesn't matter what the majority of women say about taking care of themselves, what they really want is to BELONG to someone. Before, you get all freaked out, I obviously don't mean slavery rights or control freak. I mean someone takes care of you when your sick, checks on you if you're late getting home, defends you and jumps right into the middle of a situation to help you; all because you belong to them. Of course, you are free to leave, but why would you even consider leaving when life is that good and someone loves you that much. For me, at least, it was the most secure feeling; to know I was his and he would do ANYTHING to keep me safe and happy.
I miss belonging to him. I miss knowing someone so well that we just looked at each other and knew what the other was thinking...connection. I miss being in a crowded room and finding comfort just knowing he is there. Every facet of my life only felt complete because he was part of it.
It seems as though well-meaning people (most of them actually do care about me) think that after 15 months it must be time to find another man. I have been approached about this a couple of times since 1 month after Steve died, but lately I guess it seems like people are more hopeful that I will "move on" and not be alone. During the latest attempt, I tried to explain that I have no intentions of ever loving another man. Of course, I'm lonely. I spent every day of my life with him, building a family and businesses. Literally almost 24 hours a day 7 days a week with this man and now I'm attempting to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. It is lonely...but
Here's where I'm coming from. I don't even think it's possible to love another man. I had an AMAZING relationship with Steve; if I could even bring myself to not feel like I was cheating, then I feel like I would be comparing everything with the great relationship I've already lived. Nothing can compare and I'm fully aware of that. That wouldn't be fair to do to someone. I have been ruined by true love.
The next question I got was do you think God would want you to be alone for the rest of your life. That's a pretty loaded question. My first thought is apparently what God wants doesn't always happen, otherwise my husband wouldn't have died. So on the very slim chance that I could ever fall in love again then I face having to go through all this pain ALL OVER AGAIN if tragedy strikes. This pain is relentless, why in the world would I voluntarily put myself in the position to have to feel it again.
I understand that a lot of widows don't feel the same way I do and that's o.k. I also understand that it is possible that my mind will change someday. I know this, IF that day ever comes (I highly doubt it), God is going to have to deliver him with a post it note on his forehead because in my opinion, I've already loved and been loved by the only man for me.
I understand that a lot of widows don't feel the same way I do and that's o.k. I also understand that it is possible that my mind will change someday. I know this, IF that day ever comes (I highly doubt it), God is going to have to deliver him with a post it note on his forehead because in my opinion, I've already loved and been loved by the only man for me.
