New direction 2017

New direction for the blog, I will now be posting on my new facebook page. Go there to see the latest blog post written today :)
www.facebook.com/cyvalue

Here's the opener, but you'll have to go to the facebook page to see the rest.
O.k. so I've been thinking a lot about how to proceed with the blog and I'm happy to say I finally have a direction. About 6 months after Steve died, my life became about trying to find a reason that I am still here. I  needed to find HOPE and INSPIRATION to do something other than curl up in a dark corner and wait to die. Over the last 3 years, I have learned to set goals again and how it feels to accomplish something. I've learned  what true friendship is and mostly I've learned a lot about who I am and what I want...

Make the Effort

Well, it's been a while since my last blog; I have felt the need to write, but have struggled with what to say. I've been cautious because not everything on my heart is appropriate for public view and when I write, I tend to just let it all out. I've been mulling over a few things lately trying to figure out how I feel about them and writing usually brings me clarity.

Until this summer, I really haven't told many people at school about my life and everything that has happened. I find that I typically get one of two responses: 1. An apology for my loss and awkward silence until they can find a way to leave or 2. Tons of questions.
I prefer the tons of questions but sometimes they can be overwhelming because they unbury things I thought were buried. I'm noticing a lot of those things that I tried to bury a long time ago that keep resurfacing are plans for the future. That's another crazy thing about the death of your spouse, a lot of your plans and dreams die too. Some days you get a jolt of courage and strength and think I could still do those things, but you don't.

It's the people who apologize for my loss and then jet out as soon as they can that have made me "hide" my life. The reality is people don't know what to say or do and most people are so wrapped up in their fake fantasy worlds that they avoid any type of real life like the plague. Some people will even try for a minute but your reality is too hard for them so they bolt.

I have recently talked to a couple of people who went through divorces and immediately after the separation/divorce they fell into a deep depression. Newsflash: When someone is depressed they are not fun to be around. They often change many things about themselves, so much so that they become almost unrecognizable; a shell of who they once were.  In the worst times of their lives, the people they thought were friends just disappeared.IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!!! In fact, having someone stick around and help you through the dark times is RARE. That is so wrong,

I'm not trying to condemn, I'm trying to educate. I am just as guilty of having handled things poorly prior to dealing with my own tragedy. I couldn't understand how someone could get so depressed and not be able to pull out of it.

Here's the issue, DEPRESSED PEOPLE NEED HOPE! Hope, it seems like such a simple thing to you because you have hope. Your plans are still taking place, you are not dealing with the loss of everything you thought would take place in the future. You're not grieving the loss of your best friend, life partner, children you'll never have, homes you'll never build, etc. That's why you don't understand, but you can, at the very least, attempt to help a friend who has lost everything. They will try to push you away at first, just keep trying. Believe me it's rare enough that anyone continues to try, you will probably be the ONLY ONE who shows you care enough to sit with them in their pain.

Don't get judgmental and condemning when they shake their fist at life or even at God.
They have to process every emotion and some people simply cannot process it without talking (or yelling) it out. God can handle it, Be the person who listens and gives them a place to go when they decide they want to talk. If you constantly tell them they are wrong, their feelings aren't justified, Christians wouldn't feel that way, etc you will never be able to actually help them when they finally get to the point that they can accept your help.

People in general are selfish and I have discovered that I typically will have to make 80% or more of the effort to maintain a relationship with most people, that means they give me 20% effort. Sometimes I just get tired and wonder if it's even worth it.  I think that is why most friendships/relationships are nothing more than a shallow imitation of the real thing. 100% authentic relationships require each person to be 100% dedicated to the genuine happiness of the other - SelfLESS! Don't leave anyone you care about wondering if you really care. If they have to wonder, you'e during something wrong.

Moral of this story: At some point each and every person will deal with a tragedy, even you. Don't be selfish, judgmental and condemning; learn to be selfless and make an effort to help your friends through their hopeless times because there will be a day, I PROMISE YOU, that you will wish someone would do the same for you.

Speak the language

I've been listening to The 5 Love Languages on audio cd and I've been reminded of so many things. I would highly recommend this book; single, married, parent's, anyone needs this information.
Steve and I went through a marriage seminar that dealt with the love languages and it changed our lives. We thought our marriage was pretty good already, but I honestly believe that learning this information and putting it into practice is one of the main reasons our marriage was fantastic. There's something extremely special about taking the time to study your partner and learning what you can do to make them feel loved. The best thing about it is, once you start doing it, it doesn't take too long until it becomes second nature and you don't even have to work at it anymore. If you truly love someone you want them to actually feel how much you love them, and this is how it works.

Basically the book describes how we all feel love differently. There are 5 basic love languages:

Have you ever noticed how someone you are with is in a bad mood or they are sad and then all of the sudden their mood has changed and they are happy? Chances are someone close to them did or said something in their "language" that made them feel wanted, loved, or appreciated.

The book explains it with a great analogy If you drive a diesel car but you put gasoline in the tank, it's not going to go far. If you keep speaking the Gifts language when your partner is Words of Affirmation or you speak Acts of Service when your partner is Physical Touch, their "tank" is going to be running on empty.

Sometimes, you will hear a person say, "I never saw it coming" when their spouse leaves them. Their spouse on the other hand has been feeling unloved and unwanted for a long time.

I think in many of those situations, one person has taken the time to learn how their spouse receives love and the other really hasn't been paying attention. The one who has learned what makes the other feel happy, wanted, and appreciated often ends up feeling none of those things in return. The problem comes in when they are continually doing what they know to do and it fills their spouse's tank, but they are getting nothing in return. Eventually, they are running on empty and then empty becomes anger, then anger becomes resentment, and then it becomes "I'm Done." It is completely possible for one party in the marriage to feel like everything is fine and the other party to feel unloved.
This is also why you see heartbreaking memes like:

In the beginning of the relationship both people are usually speaking all 5 love languages and then they quit. Here's the million dollar secret to lasting relationships: don't quit speaking the language that your partner thrives on.

Steve and I learned what spoke loudest to one another. It didn't even seem difficult to me, I don't know if he found it hard or not. But, I know that once you start figuring it out, it becomes a fun challenge to see what works the best. Steve's love language was quality time, closely followed by gifts; mine is tied between words of affirmation and physical touch. It took me a while to figure out that I could buy gifts and they didn't have to be extremely expensive; he had expensive taste, lol. I bought him a motorcycle because I thought that would speak loudest, but I have realized that little thoughtful things meant just as much. There were many times I can think of off the top of my head to use as examples for how he spoke my language, but I'll stick with the most recent. While he was in the hospital, the day before surgery I was so torn between needing to go home to take care of my kids and staying with him that night at the hospital. I had people watching the kids and running them around all week, and I hate to ask people for help; I felt like such a huge burden. I felt like I needed to get back to Festus in time to pick the girls up from Awana, but it was killing me to leave him there. I kissed him goodbye and he pulled me closer and put his hand on the small of my back while he told me how much he loved me. The small gesture of putting his hand on me in a special way and pulling me closer had such a huge impact that I remember the way it made me feel to this day.
After I left the hospital, I was crying so hard I couldn't drive so I pulled over to the side of the highway and allowed myself to just sit and cry. He sent me a text asking if I was o.k. Something else he understood about me, I don't typically talk to people about how I feel, not even when I'm mad. He could tell I needed him, so when I explained that I was torn between the two things, he asked me to come back so we could talk. Then I had to explain that I couldn't talk because I could do is cry and I didn't want to cry and make things worse; he said that's o.k. come cry or don't cry, but do it while you're here with me. That's exactly what I needed to hear was that he wanted me there, even with everything we were dealing with, he wanted to comfort me. There were even small things in the days following that I could talk about, but the point is we spoke love in each other's language til the day he died. That's what true love does.

I have the advantage of having known and practiced this whole love language thing for quite a few years and now that I'm in a different relationship, the language I need to speak is different than before. It's a new challenge and I'm loving putting this information into practice from the very beginning. The experiences that I have had and the regrets from opportunities missed have made me so much more in tune with all of this than ever before. I am understanding myself better and I'm having a lot of fun learning how best to speak Joey's love language. Another interesting thing about the languages, is that even if you know two people who speak Quality Time, they both may have different dialects of the same language, so what works with one may not be as effective as the other. I honestly want Joey to feel more love than he has ever known and I'm really enjoying the challenge of figuring out exactly which language and dialect makes that happen.

Going on an adventure like this creates a certain depth to your relationships that you won't see in most; it creates a bond that is stronger than you can ever imagine.

I guess the moral of this story is, no matter what relationship you're in; if you've been divorced  or widowed or whatever, this is great information to learn. It's like a research project that ends up making you and your significant other feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.  This is great to do with family members too, not just your significant other.

I am posting a link to a video about the 5 love languages, it's not long and its a great clip. I am also posting the link to the 5 love languages quiz so you can discover your language.

.http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

2 years and 7 months out of control

I was reading a blog that I posted April 16, 2014  titled "Control." In it, I was talking about how we all feel like we have some kind of control over our lives and when tragedy hits we realize how little control we actually have. I made a statement about people trying to make me feel better by saying "God is in control" and that was supposed to work some kind of magic and give me peace. Let me tell you, "God is in control" did not bring peace, it brought extreme feelings of betrayal.  I did, however, admit that maybe it was just the timing and eventually I would get to the point that I could feel like God was in control AND He didn't betray me.

As I was talking to a friend the other day, I realized that I'm finally there. I still do not understand and I thoroughly believe that God could have made all of it happen another way, but now I can open my once closed, shaking fist and grasp onto the fact that God knew and did what was best for Steve, eternally. I always knew our own free will got him into the health situation he was in, but the fact that God didn't miraculously heal him doesn't feel like betrayal anymore.  There were plenty of times over the years that Steve and I discussed how he could change some things to make his health better, we didn't implement it. We didn't see the diabetes and high cholesterol as all that serious. after all he looked and felt fine. It wasn't God's fault Steve had a heart attack and it wasn't God's fault we didn't know he had a heart attack and waited to long too seek medical help. But, only God knows the future and for whatever reason God didn't stop it from killing him.

I'm finally in another perspective of the vast ocean of tragedy. God most definitely is concerned with life on earth, but he's more concerned with Eternal life and all I can do is trust that He knew September 11, 2013 was the optimal day for Steve to enter his. There is so much unknown, so much that is completely out of our control; it finally brings peace to know that God is in control.

I understand things differently than I did before. I used to look at Jesus and the disciples and see all the miracles and now I look at it and see Peter sinking, Peter denying Jesus, Judas selling him out, Thomas doubting, and almost all of them were murdered. Where I used to see nothing but miracles, now I see there was tragedy too. I have always been able to utter the words "God doesn't cause the pain, but he uses it for good." I never really understood that phrase until the depth of my pain was so deep, I was drowning. In that time, it certainly felt like God either caused or at the very least sat back and did nothing to stop it.What used to feel like betrayal, now, even though it is bitter-sweet, feels like gratitude because I do not have to question where Steve is. I still feel loss and sadness for myself and the kids, but finally grasping that God is in control AND he did not betray me is a feeling I cannot describe.

Just a thought

Disclaimer: I am not having any of the mentioned issues with anyone currently, but I have in the past and this picture made me think. 

I have seen this picture circulating on social media a lot lately and it made me sad. It makes me sad because it is such an accurate depiction of our society and it's so backwards of how it should be. We have all been conditioned to believe that we have to put ourselves first because no one else ever will. I'm talking about all our interpersonal relationships; parents, kids, spouses, etc. Our life experiences have taught us that if we put someone else first, they will just use us, lie to us, cheat on us, or steal from us. Our pride convinces us we have to be SMART and look out for ourselves above everyone else because we've all be broken by someone and we can't let that happen again.We can't trust anyone completely. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating being stupid. If someone has shown you over and over again that they cannot be trusted then believe them. But the problem comes in when ONE someone has broken your trust and you find it hard to trust EVERYONE. I've been there, I understand the issues involved. Putting someone else first is the ultimate vulnerability and sacrifice. Putting them first means you love them more than you love yourself. The problem is, no one does it anymore. It's become all about YOU because someone somewhere along the way betrayed you and you're not ever going to let anyone do that again. Sometimes it seems like a horrible balancing act because once you've been burned, you will see flames everywhere, even when there are none. Do you attempt to put out the fire before it starts or do you wait and see?

The only way to fix the backwards cycle is to have a little faith in humanity. Put other people ahead of you and maybe instead of teaching them you're second, it will teach them to put other's ahead of them. If you both put each other first, your relationship will be enjoyable instead of strained. 
Life isn't perfect, you will get burned sometimes. 

I've tried it both ways. I don't like who I am when I put me first AND It also really sucks when I put someone else first and I get betrayed. I have a choice to make; I have to decide if I would rather protect myself and try to keep from getting hurt or try to make someone else's life better because I was in it.

If I spend my life putting me first, then no one will notice when I'm gone. 

Life of Memories or Life of Love

A lot of people think it's a choice; if you plan to move forward after loss you have to choose between a life of memories and a life of love. It doesn't work like that. I have chosen to move forward and have a new life of love with Joey, but that doesn't mean I've abandoned the memories I have of my previous life with Steve. None of it is easy to explain and everyone deals with it all so differently, but I'm going to try to put my thoughts into words.

It has been two and half years since the last time I heard "I love you" come from the lips of the man I thought I would be with forever. A lot of life has happened in that time span and a lot of grieving has been done. I do not pretend that the pain will ever completely end; there are moments that make it hard to breathe, but those moments are fewer now. Now, I can look back at memories of him and just be happy that I experienced the life I did, with him. It's true that some things fade with time, but the thing that really doesn't fade is ME. Who I am is a direct result of who we were together. You cannot take a 17 year old girl and give her 19 years with someone and expect her to come away the same way she went in. Steve and I created a beautiful life and marriage; it took a lot of years to get it there, but it was beautiful. Every cell that makes up me is born from the strands of DNA that made up US. He died earlier than anyone ever expected and when he died I went into full on identity crisis mode. I have mourned the loss of him, and of course I still miss him, but the pain that still stings the most is that I miss what I was to him. I didn't sign up for an identity change, I was just thrust into one. My identity was so intertwined with my marriage that apart from Steve, I didn't know who I was and I certainly didn't like what I was feeling.

As Steve's wife: I was needed, not in the make me dinner sense of needed; he depended on me to do everything in this life together. I was wanted, he wanted to be with me 24/7. We never wanted a break from each other. I was the most important person on this planet to him, there was absolutely nothing that man would not do to for me. He supported me with everything I did; he always had my back. He was proud of our relationship; he loved the fact that everyone thought we were newlyweds. I was protected and I belonged to him, he wasn't like a jealous husband type, but he was a fierce defender and always felt safe with him. The bond between us was unbreakable. The connection we had was incomprehensible. 

When he died, who I was seemed to be dying too. I was no longer needed or wanted in the same way anymore. I was no longer the most important person on the planet to anyone. I was alone, scared, and belonged to no one. After months of dealing with all of these emotions, I started to develop the tough exterior everyone could look at and feel like I was fine. People could understand my grief in dealing with the loss of my husband, but most people couldn't grasp the grief I felt from dealing with the loss of my identity.

I think when a someone experiences a love that went the depths of mine and Steve's and then they lose it, they often choose to put up walls and protect themselves from the possibility of that kind of pain again. I know I tried to build an impenetrable wall; love, like what I had, comes at the impossible cost of grief like this.

I discovered that no matter how hard I tried to build that wall, I couldn't build it high enough. We are made to connect, we are made to love. Take it all the way back to the beginning when God made Eve because it was not good for man to be alone and sprinkled everywhere you look throughout the Bible, connection is vitally important.

What I am trying to say is that  I can now think about Steve and be grateful to have had him the time that I did; I can even look at all the mistakes I made (and I remember new ones, all the time) and the regret I have and I can keep myself from dwelling on them to the point of obsession. They are things that will forever bother me, but I can move past them. What I have had the most trouble processing is the loss of who I was to him. But, what I realized is that who I was with him on September 11, 2013 took years and years to become. On December 9, 1995, I was a very different person. It took a long time to build that kind of connection between us. It took years and years of learning each other to be able to sit across a room and know with one glance what he was thinking. It took a very long time for me to realize that he was my rock and he was why I felt safe. None of those things happened overnight. While it seems like I completely understand that concept, I'll tell you it is hard to look at what Steve and I built over all those years and see that it just vanished in a moment. It's so hard to think about allowing myself to be that vulnerable again.

So the real question is, what if I spend years building all of this again with Joey and it vanishes; I've set myself up to pay the same price I paid before. Is it harder to allow yourself to be that vulnerable the second time around, YES! Yes, it's harder, but only because this time it's deliberate and you know the cost. The first time, I was immature and naive and I had no idea what I was doing.  It was the grace of God and our determination that got us where we were. This time, I walk into a relationship with my eyes wide open, my heart having been ripped from my chest and returned with a piece missing, knowing that when this ends one of us will be paying the ultimate price for loving the other. It probably all sounds so haunting when you read it, but it speaks to me of the amazing ability for the heart to keep beating and the spirit to continue to want that deep connection. Believe me, I tried so hard to stay alone. But God, had other plans and I decided that if I was going to LOVE someone again, I was going to do my best to have the least amount of regrets possible.

It's different once you have had an amazing love story and lost it. Your fears change from being afraid of losing someone (that's still there to some degree) to a different kind of fear. I have already been through the most painful tragedy a human can face and I survived. I am a different person because of the lessons I learned through the pain. It may sound cold in some way, but I know that one day I will lose Joey or he will lose me; death is a fact of life. My biggest goal is to spend the time we do have together building a life of love, enjoying the journey, and when it's finished, having the least amount of regrets as possible. I now have a better comprehension of how important it is to show love in the way your partner sees it. As a result of what I've been through I've learned that when it's all said and done, if I'm the one left standing here I will ask myself "Did I put him first, Did I focus on what he loved to do, Did he know how much I loved him." I have a different perspective on life and love now. My love is much more deliberate than before. While, it is still a feeling, I choose to make it more about his feelings than mine.  Now that I know how strong of a bond two people are capable of having, how deep the connection can go, I'm excited to see my relationship with Joey develop deeper roots over time. We have poured the foundation to build a beautiful life together. After all, It's the journey, not the destination.

Done!!

Have you ever just felt DONE! Finally reached a point, where you are done fighting and trying; just DONE! I can only think of a couple of times in my 38 years that I have been there, and I'm there. Everything is broken, I'm sure in some ways it always will be. There are moments when it feels like I have glued the pieces together, but they are fleeting. I have embraced my "new normal" but I'm not talking just about the loss of my husband here. I'm talking about life in general. I'm one of those people that tries to do whatever I can to help in any given situation, when I really should just sit back and do nothing. It's like an addiction, I get a high off of helping someone solve a problem. 98% of the time the high was worth it. but there are a few occasions when I crash instead. The crazy thing is, the crash usually isn't because I couldn't solve the problem; it's usually because the person needing help becomes hateful, arrogant, or full of such selfish pride they can't see who is on their side and who isn't.

I understand the world is a cynical place and tons of people are out to help themselves, but  NOT EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU, some people are genuinely nice and want to help with no ulterior motives behind their help. So, here I am again today after attempting to help someone and getting treated like a suspect deciding I'm DONE!

I know me well enough to know that I am overwhelmed and exhausted right now, but somehow I'll find the motive to keep trudging along until I am strong enough to actually fight again. The problem with that is, I wonder how many times I will try to help before I just change who I am and give up.

It's been a frustrating week, life has not been great this week. I am dealing with the fact that my 11 year old daughter has a life long auto immune disease and has to shoot herself with a MINIMUM of 4 shots a day. I found a pump she agreed to wear and her insurance REFUSES to cover it. What is wrong with the world? She's 11, she could go get birth control or an abortion, but she can't get an Insulin pump.
We got to a restaurant and order her the kid's pancake. It's supposed to be one pancake and turkey bacon. They bring 3 huge pancakes! I already looked up the carb count for the one pancake and dosed her the appropriate amount of insulin for one. Now they have brought 3 and she wants to eat it and argue about it. I'm TIRED! It's not even my disease and I"m tired. I'm tired of being the bad guy ALL THE TIME, I don't get a break where her Dad can take over her care and I can just be fun. Who, am I kidding, her Dad was always the fun one anyway; she would just bat her eyes and he would let her have it. She's not to the age, that she can handle it on on her own; she does her own shots, but carb counting and dosing has to be done for her. I am so paranoid that she will be overdosed, I have made it a double check system around here. Every shot has to be double checked by Angel and another adult. I want her to be able to eat what all her friends are eating without having to count the carbs and stick herself with needles. I want her to be able to go to friends houses for a few hours without worrying about a hypo and the parents not knowing what to do.

  I AM TIRED! I wanted the insulin pump so it would give her the freedom to do more and eat more. She wouldn't have to stick herself if someone offered her a cookie, she could just tell the pump to give her more medicine, but NO, Insurance refuses to cover that and of course it's not affordable to do without Insurance.

Now, I have to find the strength to go fight an insurance company because nothing we can do will fix Type 1 diabetes and some corporate morons somewhere need a wake up call.

ANCHOR

We recently took a vacation to Florida; it's the first time I've been here since Steve and I took the girls in 2011. I did o.k. I think. I was really good until we stopped at the same rest stop where Steve had taken a picture of me and my girls under the "Welcome to Florida" sign. As soon as we pulled in there and I realized where I was, a flood of emotions hit me. 

By the time we arrived at our condo, I was doing better. Until, we went for a walk on the beach. I watched Jamie and Angel walk and leave footprints in the sand and then I watched the tide come in and wipe them away as if they never existed. The impact of that simple yet very complex moment hit hard.  All the things that Steve and I did and the "footprints" we made together  vanished so quickly and at some point it will be as if WE never existed. In 100 years, there is nothing on this planet that will prove the love we had for each other. There is no DNA combination of us that will continue on for generations. There's nothing left but my memories. Just like the ocean tides wiped away the girl's footprints, time will wipe away any existence of US together. It is impossible to wrap my mind around something that can mean so much to two people just vanishing and not only vanishing, but after I'm gone,  no proof of it's existence will remain except for a marriage license document and very few pictures we took together over 18 years. All of that hit me pretty hard while I was standing there watching the tide roll in and out. It took me a couple hours, but I re-focused and snapped back to the reality that there's nothing I can do to change any of it now.

I will probably forever grieve in different ways, but I can't anchor here. 

I have finally come to a place where I have found a new "normal" and, naively, I thought things like this wouldn't take me by surprise anymore. I was wrong! I've been struggling for a few months with realizing that the longer I continue to live the more distant my previous life becomes. Sometimes when I think about Steve or situations we experienced together, it feels more like a dream than reality, and I hate that. I know it's a natural cycle of loss, but I guess I had hoped it wouldn't happen to me.

The only way to keep it from happening is to stay so buried in the pain that you can't live.

For a while, I didn't have a choice; I was buried. But, eventually I got to a point that I felt like our love was somehow diminished if I tried to stop hurting so much. I felt like it somehow meant I didn't love him enough, if I was able to find a way to live without him. It wasn't guilt, it was something completely different; I don't know how to explain it. I'm a pretty black and white type of person, not many shades of grey exist for me. I finally had to give myself permission to figure out how to live in a shade of grey when it comes to all of this. I couldn't be black and white with this level of tragedy. I couldn't stay buried in grief and I couldn't just move on like nothing ever happened. So, I've been charting new territory and learning how to keep living , yet giving myself permission to grieve when I need to. It is a different kind of life and just like everything in life, I know I will screw it up sometimes, but I'm living and doing the best I can. I'm finally to a place where I can say, 

Life is good again; it is different, but it is good. 

P.S. The rest of our trip was wonderful. We made many new memories and took TONS of pictures :)

2011 - Me and the girls

2015 The Girls

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