I've been listening to The 5 Love Languages on audio cd and I've been reminded of so many things. I would highly recommend this book; single, married, parent's, anyone needs this information.Steve and I went through a marriage seminar that dealt with the love languages and it changed our lives. We thought our marriage was pretty good already, but I honestly believe that learning this information and putting it into practice is one of the main reasons our marriage was fantastic. There's something extremely special about taking the time to study your partner and learning what you can do to make them feel loved. The best thing about it is, once you start doing it, it doesn't take too long until it becomes second nature and you don't even have to work at it anymore. If you truly love someone you want them to actually feel how much you love them, and this is how it works.
Basically the book describes how we all feel love differently. There are 5 basic love languages:
Have you ever noticed how someone you are with is in a bad mood or they are sad and then all of the sudden their mood has changed and they are happy? Chances are someone close to them did or said something in their "language" that made them feel wanted, loved, or appreciated.
The book explains it with a great analogy If you drive a diesel car but you put gasoline in the tank, it's not going to go far. If you keep speaking the Gifts language when your partner is Words of Affirmation or you speak Acts of Service when your partner is Physical Touch, their "tank" is going to be running on empty.
Sometimes, you will hear a person say, "I never saw it coming" when their spouse leaves them. Their spouse on the other hand has been feeling unloved and unwanted for a long time.
I think in many of those situations, one person has taken the time to learn how their spouse receives love and the other really hasn't been paying attention. The one who has learned what makes the other feel happy, wanted, and appreciated often ends up feeling none of those things in return. The problem comes in when they are continually doing what they know to do and it fills their spouse's tank, but they are getting nothing in return. Eventually, they are running on empty and then empty becomes anger, then anger becomes resentment, and then it becomes "I'm Done." It is completely possible for one party in the marriage to feel like everything is fine and the other party to feel unloved.
This is also why you see heartbreaking memes like:
In the beginning of the relationship both people are usually speaking all 5 love languages and then they quit. Here's the million dollar secret to lasting relationships: don't quit speaking the language that your partner thrives on.
Steve and I learned what spoke loudest to one another. It didn't even seem difficult to me, I don't know if he found it hard or not. But, I know that once you start figuring it out, it becomes a fun challenge to see what works the best. Steve's love language was quality time, closely followed by gifts; mine is tied between words of affirmation and physical touch. It took me a while to figure out that I could buy gifts and they didn't have to be extremely expensive; he had expensive taste, lol. I bought him a motorcycle because I thought that would speak loudest, but I have realized that little thoughtful things meant just as much. There were many times I can think of off the top of my head to use as examples for how he spoke my language, but I'll stick with the most recent. While he was in the hospital, the day before surgery I was so torn between needing to go home to take care of my kids and staying with him that night at the hospital. I had people watching the kids and running them around all week, and I hate to ask people for help; I felt like such a huge burden. I felt like I needed to get back to Festus in time to pick the girls up from Awana, but it was killing me to leave him there. I kissed him goodbye and he pulled me closer and put his hand on the small of my back while he told me how much he loved me. The small gesture of putting his hand on me in a special way and pulling me closer had such a huge impact that I remember the way it made me feel to this day.
After I left the hospital, I was crying so hard I couldn't drive so I pulled over to the side of the highway and allowed myself to just sit and cry. He sent me a text asking if I was o.k. Something else he understood about me, I don't typically talk to people about how I feel, not even when I'm mad. He could tell I needed him, so when I explained that I was torn between the two things, he asked me to come back so we could talk. Then I had to explain that I couldn't talk because I could do is cry and I didn't want to cry and make things worse; he said that's o.k. come cry or don't cry, but do it while you're here with me. That's exactly what I needed to hear was that he wanted me there, even with everything we were dealing with, he wanted to comfort me. There were even small things in the days following that I could talk about, but the point is we spoke love in each other's language til the day he died. That's what true love does.
I have the advantage of having known and practiced this whole love language thing for quite a few years and now that I'm in a different relationship, the language I need to speak is different than before. It's a new challenge and I'm loving putting this information into practice from the very beginning. The experiences that I have had and the regrets from opportunities missed have made me so much more in tune with all of this than ever before. I am understanding myself better and I'm having a lot of fun learning how best to speak Joey's love language. Another interesting thing about the languages, is that even if you know two people who speak Quality Time, they both may have different dialects of the same language, so what works with one may not be as effective as the other. I honestly want Joey to feel more love than he has ever known and I'm really enjoying the challenge of figuring out exactly which language and dialect makes that happen.
Going on an adventure like this creates a certain depth to your relationships that you won't see in most; it creates a bond that is stronger than you can ever imagine.
I guess the moral of this story is, no matter what relationship you're in; if you've been divorced or widowed or whatever, this is great information to learn. It's like a research project that ends up making you and your significant other feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. This is great to do with family members too, not just your significant other.
I am posting a link to a video about the 5 love languages, it's not long and its a great clip. I am also posting the link to the 5 love languages quiz so you can discover your language.
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