I find myself thinking a lot lately about what Steve would be doing if the roles were reversed. It has always been on my mind, but it has been weighing heavily on me the past couple of weeks.
Back story: Steve and I never really talked about one of us dying, but we had a conversation about not wanting people to be standing around over a dead body because we both knew that the person was not there any longer. It seems like even people you aren't close to, think it is necessary to go up to the open casket to pay respect. We were both aware that most people see this as a respect issue. However, we both felt that it does more emotional harm to the living than any amount of respect that could be showed. The dead person is already in heaven and no one knows whether or not they can see who is at the funeral crying over their body, but Steve always said, "I won't care." So the decision to not have his body at the celebration of life and to not have a graveside service was easy for me.That was about all we had ever discussed about death and I knew that was what he would want.
Currently: The part I struggled with was whether or not I should go to the grave when he was buried and if I should visit the grave afterwards. To be completely honest, I was not strong enough to go the day they buried him. So, he was buried without me there. Looking back at that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and the guilt continues, because I STILL can not bring myself to go to his grave. Someone asked me why I feel so guilty that I haven't gone since he is in heaven and wouldn't care anyway. I feel like I have failed him because I can't bring myself to do that one last thing that people do when someone dies. I feel like no matter what he said, he would have gone to my grave.
So, I've been contemplating the why. If he's not there, he won't care is what we decided. It just feels wrong, it feels like I'm being selfish. I have met a few widows recently and they talked about how visiting their husbands grave brought them comfort in some way. One of them writes him letters and buries the letters at his grave every 3 weeks. I can not see how going to his grave is supposed to bring me comfort in any way. But, it seems like it is was I'm supposed to do. Then the thought crosses my mind, what would he do. I honestly don't know, but I tend to think he would have been there the day they buried me and he probably would have gone to see the stone after it was set. I feel guilt because he would have endured that tremendous pain if the roles were reversed.
IN EVERY PART OF MY LIFE, I wonder if I wasn't here and Steve had to do this what would he do? It seems like it's my responsibility to continue our lives the way they would have continued with both of us here.
Sun
Stand in the Sun with Me
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Missing my Go to Guy
So much has happened in the last couple of weeks that I have wanted to talk to Steve about. It is so hard to put into words, but we were so close that I literally talked to him about EVERYTHING. Now, when something happens that I can't discuss with him, it feels like the knife gets twisted and thrust in further.
First, I think my counselor is done with me. Like quit on me! During our last session, we discussed some questions I have about faith and God. She obviously didn't agree with me. She tried to tell me God was a woman and that our deceased loved ones are hovering above us and in us. I did really good though, I didn't tell her she was wrong, I didn't even argue with her at all. I just let it go. I think, my questions and belief system must have scared her off though. I really wanted to tell Steve what she said, but then again I wouldn't have even been seeing her if Steve was here. She is the second counselor I've had though; the first said she had no idea how to help me and this one just quit.
Second, since Steve passed away I have been extremely forgetful. I forgot to send an email that was required for the girl's schooling. While I was at grief share, the person in charge of the school event called and left a message on my voice mail. I didn't get home and remember that I had a voice mail until after 10p.m. Thinking it would be too late to call the woman back, I sent an email with the requested information. Apparently, my forgetfulness was a HUGE deal and the woman sent an ignorant email back to me griping at me about not emailing in the first place and also not answering her call the night before. I called her to explain that I thought I had sent the email, but I forgot and I didn't answer the phone because I was in Grief share and when I got home, I didn't want to call her too late. Her only response to me was well, I didn't know any of that and you didn't tell me in the email you sent that the reason you didn't call was because it was too late. SERIOUSLY! This is supposed to be a Christian Woman leading a Christian schooling event. I understand that I messed up, but a little understanding would have gone a long way.
Third, one of my classes required that my group of 6 people do a presentation. I was assigned the introduction and the ending. Unfortunately, this presentation was due right at the one year anniversary mark, so my mind was not in it. I thought I was supposed to do parts another person did. I'm still not sure which one of us was supposed to do it, but it got done. I just didn't do much of it.
Fourth, one of my instructor's is on a power trip and got upset because I closed my laptop before class was over. I just keep thinking, this feels more like High School than Law School. I have always closely guarded what I say (until this blog) and do because it seems like I'm taken the wrong way a lot. This situation totally blew my mind. It wasn't like I was putting stuff away in my bag, I simply closed the lid on my laptop.
Fifth, I attempted to call a creditor. The bill is in Steve's name only, but it's one of those situations where by Missouri State law the asset is mine, which I would assume means the company wants me to pay for it. I sent the company a copy of Steve's death certificate to verify that he could not longer handle the situation and that I would be handling it. I called to talk to them and they asked me what name the account was it. I told them Steve's name and the lady says I need the name on the account. I said, that is the name on the account. She says, you have to give me the name exactly as it appears on the account. HELLOOOOO! That is my husband's name. Here is his full name too, does that help? No, apparently they have some odd variation of his name listed and they either need to speak with him or they need me to tell them how his name appears on the account. Great! Well, if you can't talk to me, after I sent the death certificate in, then good luck getting your money.
There is so much more on a day to day basis, but these are all things that somehow Steve would have made seem like less of a big deal. He would have said something funny that would have become an inside joke told all the time.
First, I think my counselor is done with me. Like quit on me! During our last session, we discussed some questions I have about faith and God. She obviously didn't agree with me. She tried to tell me God was a woman and that our deceased loved ones are hovering above us and in us. I did really good though, I didn't tell her she was wrong, I didn't even argue with her at all. I just let it go. I think, my questions and belief system must have scared her off though. I really wanted to tell Steve what she said, but then again I wouldn't have even been seeing her if Steve was here. She is the second counselor I've had though; the first said she had no idea how to help me and this one just quit.
Second, since Steve passed away I have been extremely forgetful. I forgot to send an email that was required for the girl's schooling. While I was at grief share, the person in charge of the school event called and left a message on my voice mail. I didn't get home and remember that I had a voice mail until after 10p.m. Thinking it would be too late to call the woman back, I sent an email with the requested information. Apparently, my forgetfulness was a HUGE deal and the woman sent an ignorant email back to me griping at me about not emailing in the first place and also not answering her call the night before. I called her to explain that I thought I had sent the email, but I forgot and I didn't answer the phone because I was in Grief share and when I got home, I didn't want to call her too late. Her only response to me was well, I didn't know any of that and you didn't tell me in the email you sent that the reason you didn't call was because it was too late. SERIOUSLY! This is supposed to be a Christian Woman leading a Christian schooling event. I understand that I messed up, but a little understanding would have gone a long way.
Third, one of my classes required that my group of 6 people do a presentation. I was assigned the introduction and the ending. Unfortunately, this presentation was due right at the one year anniversary mark, so my mind was not in it. I thought I was supposed to do parts another person did. I'm still not sure which one of us was supposed to do it, but it got done. I just didn't do much of it.
Fourth, one of my instructor's is on a power trip and got upset because I closed my laptop before class was over. I just keep thinking, this feels more like High School than Law School. I have always closely guarded what I say (until this blog) and do because it seems like I'm taken the wrong way a lot. This situation totally blew my mind. It wasn't like I was putting stuff away in my bag, I simply closed the lid on my laptop.
Fifth, I attempted to call a creditor. The bill is in Steve's name only, but it's one of those situations where by Missouri State law the asset is mine, which I would assume means the company wants me to pay for it. I sent the company a copy of Steve's death certificate to verify that he could not longer handle the situation and that I would be handling it. I called to talk to them and they asked me what name the account was it. I told them Steve's name and the lady says I need the name on the account. I said, that is the name on the account. She says, you have to give me the name exactly as it appears on the account. HELLOOOOO! That is my husband's name. Here is his full name too, does that help? No, apparently they have some odd variation of his name listed and they either need to speak with him or they need me to tell them how his name appears on the account. Great! Well, if you can't talk to me, after I sent the death certificate in, then good luck getting your money.
There is so much more on a day to day basis, but these are all things that somehow Steve would have made seem like less of a big deal. He would have said something funny that would have become an inside joke told all the time.
The First Year - Some of the things I've learned
The one year anniversary of Steve's death has just passed. Over this past year, I have learned some things I never wanted to know. Overall, what I think and feel changes more frequently than I ever thought possible. Just when I think that I've passed a stage of grief, it comes back. Someone described it as a tangled ball.Obviously, not everyone grieves the same way, but this is what I've learned.Friends are vital. As much as you don't feel like talking, you have to. Good friends look beyond the pain, grab hold and don't let go. They are very rare!
You will feel alone, even if you have good friends.
You will feel like you have lost your mind. It is common to forget very important things.
You will feel like you have lost touch with reality. Often your dreams will seem more real than your life.
You will not want to be around couples. They will be a constant reminder of what you have lost. It is still this way a year later.
You will dream of him A LOT. In your dreams he will have survived, or he will have died and come back or he will have died and only you can see him. This still happens after a year, but much less frequently now.
You will feel like you have lost part of yourself. You HAVE lost part of yourself.
You will obsess over things you never thought of before; death, heaven, clouds, eternity,the last time you saw them, time of death, etc. After 6 months, this comes and goes
You will have a ton of regrets. You will regret things you did, things you didn't do; things you could have changed and things you couldn't have changed. You do eventually come to terms with the fact that you cannot change the past, but there will still be days that you cry through the regret.
You will feel absolutely HOPELESS. You may even feel jealous of dying people (understand that this also relates to feeling like you have lost your mind). Thankfully this will start to fade after about 4 months.
It will feel like the best part of your life is over. This comes and goes. Eventually you just learn to go on and try not to thing about the future.
You will feel abandoned by God. In the darkest time of your life when you are looking the hardest for God, you will not recognize Him.
You have not been abandoned by God. I don't know why he seems to stay silent when you need him most. Maybe the grief is just too loud. Nevertheless, eventually you will start to feel some peace and presence again.
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