The First Year - Some of the things I've learned

The one year anniversary of Steve's death has just passed. Over this past year, I have learned some things I never wanted to know. Overall, what I think and feel changes more frequently than I ever thought possible. Just when I think that I've passed a stage of grief, it comes back. Someone described it as a tangled ball.Obviously, not everyone grieves the same way, but this is what I've learned.

Friends are vital.  As much as you don't feel like talking, you have to. Good friends look beyond the pain, grab hold and don't let go. They are very rare!

You will feel alone, even if you have good friends.

You will feel like you have lost your mind. It is common to forget very important things.

You will feel like you have lost touch with reality. Often your dreams will seem more real than your life.

You will not want to be around couples. They will be a constant reminder of what you have lost. It is still this way a year later.

You will dream of him A LOT. In your dreams he will have survived, or he will have died and come back or he will have died and only you can see him. This still happens after a year, but much less frequently now.

You will feel like you have lost part of yourself. You HAVE lost part of yourself.

You will obsess over things you never thought of before; death, heaven, clouds, eternity,the last time you saw them, time of death, etc. After 6 months, this comes and goes

You will have a ton of regrets. You will regret things you did, things you didn't do; things you could have changed and things you couldn't have changed. You do eventually come to terms with the fact that you cannot change the past, but there will still be days that you cry through the regret.

You will feel absolutely HOPELESS. You may even feel jealous of dying people (understand that this also relates to feeling like you have lost your mind). Thankfully this will start to fade after about 4 months.

It will feel like the best part of your life is over. This comes and goes. Eventually you just learn to go on and try not to thing about the future.

You will feel abandoned by God. In the darkest time of your life when you are looking the hardest for God, you will not recognize Him.

You have not been abandoned by God. I don't know why he seems to stay silent when you need him most. Maybe the grief is just too loud. Nevertheless, eventually you will start to feel some peace and presence again.