Law school has me way too busy to write like I should. I have 5 classes and there is about 8 hours a week of homework for just one of those classes. I can't really remember what I did on the 19th.
August 20th, I went to see the counselor again; I'm just not sure we are a good fit. However, I don't have time to find a new one.
August 21st, I woke up in a decent mood, but a conversation with a friend quickly changed my mood. It kind of ruined my day. Sometimes friendships are lost, not because of death, but other reasons beyond our control.
August 22nd The girls and I participated in a local 5 k along with a few other people. The 5k took place in Forest Park. Forest Park is across the street from the hospital Steve died in. I have made it a point to not drive by that hospital since September 11, 2013. I have gone to Forest Park, but I go a different way. When I drove to the 5k it was daylight and I managed to drive in a different way to avoid the hospital. I was not aware that the 5k would put me in a position to stare directly at that hospital. Then when we left, it was dark so my friend was guiding me by GPS. The GPS took me right by the hospital. I seriously thought, it's ok I'll just deal with it. Then it happened; I couldn't control the tears. I couldn't stop looking at the area of the hospital we were in. Wondering if the room I was looking at was the room where I last kissed my husband goodbye. I LEFT MY LIFE IN THAT HOSPITAL and I haven't allowed myself to even consider looking at it since then.
August 23rd. I spent the day running around preparing for a bridal shower I was throwing for my soon to be sister in law. We did the shower and then I took the girls to get a pedicure. By the time I got home I was too tired to do homework.
August 24th. Went to church and then went to serve a summons. That turned into a huge issue. I have served papers for a couple years and I've never had a problem. This guy was insistent that he was not accepting the papers. I was glad my son was with me because the guy became irate and my son had to step in to stop him from hurting me and/or my vehicle. After dealing with all of this, I didn't get home in time to do homework yet again.
August 25th and 26th. I went to school, took the girls to karate, and did tons of homework.
People have been telling me to expect the one year anniversary of his death to set me back again. I thought maybe I would keep myself so busy with school that I would be able to deal with it a little better. This thing is so unpredictable. It's like I can feel myself falling in slow motion. You would think that the ability to have good days would give someone like me hope that the future won't suck. When the bad days hit, it makes you realize that this pain will last FOREVER. It may not be as intense every day, but there will be days when it will be this intense and those days will keep coming FOREVER.
No comments:
Post a Comment