Revelation

I already messed up my new strategy; I didn't write Thursday and Friday. Thursday was just really boring! Friday was busy but very hard for a friend of mine, so I spent some time helping her with a few things.

Today, I went shopping for Law School clothes. I HATE shopping for clothes. I'm vertically challenged so finding pants short enough is difficult. I had to spend a lot of money but I finally found some. Now I have to read a book that apparently was required reading before this Wednesday, but no one told our class until yesterday. I have a feeling, I'm going to be needed to wear my glasses a lot.

Thought process lately: Everyone who knows me in real life knows that I have a polarized thinking pattern. Every thing is Black or White, Right or Wrong, etc. I have always believed that if you are TRYING to live righteously then you are under the protection of God; if you decide that you know something is wrong but want to do it anyway, then you walk out from under that protection. I still think that is true, but not to the extent my mind took it. I determined that since we were TRYING to live out everything we new to be right that God will NOT EVER allow anything like the sudden death of my husband to happen.

I keep emphasizing trying, because I am fully aware that no one can live a completely sinless life.

On the other hand, I have heard over and over again that everything that happens is in God's will. I just have not been able to wrap my mind around this thought process. But, I know why this idea is so easily accepted; after you get over the initial anger at God, it tells you that there is nothing that could have been done. It allows your mind to deal with the regret and try to move passed the what if I had done something different question. Because if it was God's will, nothing would have changed it.

I just cannot believe that a loving and just God would desire for war, famine, earthquakes, abortions,  and the sudden death of my husband at 44 years old. 

I keep coming back to an unborn baby. It is an innocent life; it has not committed any sin. An innocent child would be the most likely person for God to protect, but there are over a million babies murdered every year. No one can convince me that is God's will or that the baby did anything to remove the protection of God from it's life.

So, I've been asking God over and over again to show me what I'm missing. Were we living in some blatant sin, I didn't see? Was this really in His will? I just have not been able to find peace with either answer and then revelation came. I don't pretend to understand all of this, but I know that understanding the core process has given me some peace about God's role in it all. I will try my best to explain this.

Steve and I were talking one day about doomsday stuff and I was very adamant that I didn't want to hear about it. I was living under the protection of God, so nothing bad will happen to us bubble. Steve said look at the Christians in Egypt being beheaded because of their faith in God. I didn't get what he meant when he said it, but now I get it. You can live as righteously as you know how and you can die living that way and it still was NOT God's will. Neither of my polarized thoughts are the answer. Sometimes they could be the answer, but they are not always the answer. I have been stuck on this problem because I failed to see that things are not ALWAYS black and white.

I understand that God is capable of stopping bad things from happening and sometimes He actually does stop them, but sometimes He doesn't. I don't know why, but I'm starting to get some revelation on this. More on that hopefully in the next few days.

This does not change the grief I feel over the loss of my husband, but I believe I'm finally to a point that I can believe that God is not at fault and we probably aren't either.