August 13th-15th 2014

Orientation week is finally over. It was unbelievably busy and pretty strenuous, even though it was just orientation. There is already a ton of homework to do this weekend.

August 13th was Service Project Day. My group volunteered at the St. Louis Kennedy Sports Complex unloading books off of a truck and organizing them. It doesn't sound like that much work, but my feet and back were feeling it by the end of the day. We rode to the Sports complex and back in a school bus. Believe it or not, that is the first time I have ever ridden a school bus; perks of private school. I now know that I didn't miss out on anything. It was VERY LOUD! I also made the mistake of sitting in the back of the bus on the trip back to school and I was pretty nauseated by the time we got off.

August 14th was the day where we were all introduced to all the clubs on campus. I was very interested in the Constitutional Law club until I started talking to them. The first thing they said is "We are the liberal progressives on campus." REALLY! Well that plan went down the toilet.

Today, I was actually able to attend my kid's karate belt ceremony so that was great. I started trying to get some homework done, but things kept distracting me. I forgot to get a prescription, so I had to go do that. Our clients were having a problem signing on to the site, so I had to fix that.
One of my daughters went outside for something earlier today and when she came back in she said that two guys were knocking on doors on our street. My son happened to fall asleep on my couch today, so I made a little sign and hung it on the front door. I need to buy a professionally made sign like this.

Deep thoughts: I keep saying WE and OUR when referencing things that are really ME and I now. It's so hard to come to grips with the fact that he really isn't ever coming back. People tell you that you have to actually process the grief or you will never get through it. They say don't push it down because it will only come out in a worse way. The problem is if I truly processed my grief ALL THE TIME, I would not be able to survive, let alone be productive. Honestly, some days I have to push it down just to keep going. It's an unfortunate skill that grieving people learn eventually. In the beginning of this journey there is no way to filter the pain. I remember sitting in restaurants with family, riding in a car with someone, or talking on the phone and just crying uncontrollably. Now, I have learned how to turn it off until I'm alone. However, there are still sometimes that my filter breaks and I can't control the tears. Sometimes, I'm sitting here trying to solve a problem or thinking intently about a situation and I get a flash of what Steve would say at this moment. At those times, I can't help but let it all out because I miss him and there is nothing that can stop the longing. Sure, I put one foot in front of the other and "do the next thing" which means I'm surviving and I'm doing what I can to better life for my girls. All the while I know that I'm doing what Steve wanted me to do years ago and wishing I had done it then. More than anything just wishing that I could rewind all of this and make it different.