Make the Effort

Well, it's been a while since my last blog; I have felt the need to write, but have struggled with what to say. I've been cautious because not everything on my heart is appropriate for public view and when I write, I tend to just let it all out. I've been mulling over a few things lately trying to figure out how I feel about them and writing usually brings me clarity.

Until this summer, I really haven't told many people at school about my life and everything that has happened. I find that I typically get one of two responses: 1. An apology for my loss and awkward silence until they can find a way to leave or 2. Tons of questions.
I prefer the tons of questions but sometimes they can be overwhelming because they unbury things I thought were buried. I'm noticing a lot of those things that I tried to bury a long time ago that keep resurfacing are plans for the future. That's another crazy thing about the death of your spouse, a lot of your plans and dreams die too. Some days you get a jolt of courage and strength and think I could still do those things, but you don't.

It's the people who apologize for my loss and then jet out as soon as they can that have made me "hide" my life. The reality is people don't know what to say or do and most people are so wrapped up in their fake fantasy worlds that they avoid any type of real life like the plague. Some people will even try for a minute but your reality is too hard for them so they bolt.

I have recently talked to a couple of people who went through divorces and immediately after the separation/divorce they fell into a deep depression. Newsflash: When someone is depressed they are not fun to be around. They often change many things about themselves, so much so that they become almost unrecognizable; a shell of who they once were.  In the worst times of their lives, the people they thought were friends just disappeared.IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!!! In fact, having someone stick around and help you through the dark times is RARE. That is so wrong,

I'm not trying to condemn, I'm trying to educate. I am just as guilty of having handled things poorly prior to dealing with my own tragedy. I couldn't understand how someone could get so depressed and not be able to pull out of it.

Here's the issue, DEPRESSED PEOPLE NEED HOPE! Hope, it seems like such a simple thing to you because you have hope. Your plans are still taking place, you are not dealing with the loss of everything you thought would take place in the future. You're not grieving the loss of your best friend, life partner, children you'll never have, homes you'll never build, etc. That's why you don't understand, but you can, at the very least, attempt to help a friend who has lost everything. They will try to push you away at first, just keep trying. Believe me it's rare enough that anyone continues to try, you will probably be the ONLY ONE who shows you care enough to sit with them in their pain.

Don't get judgmental and condemning when they shake their fist at life or even at God.
They have to process every emotion and some people simply cannot process it without talking (or yelling) it out. God can handle it, Be the person who listens and gives them a place to go when they decide they want to talk. If you constantly tell them they are wrong, their feelings aren't justified, Christians wouldn't feel that way, etc you will never be able to actually help them when they finally get to the point that they can accept your help.

People in general are selfish and I have discovered that I typically will have to make 80% or more of the effort to maintain a relationship with most people, that means they give me 20% effort. Sometimes I just get tired and wonder if it's even worth it.  I think that is why most friendships/relationships are nothing more than a shallow imitation of the real thing. 100% authentic relationships require each person to be 100% dedicated to the genuine happiness of the other - SelfLESS! Don't leave anyone you care about wondering if you really care. If they have to wonder, you'e during something wrong.

Moral of this story: At some point each and every person will deal with a tragedy, even you. Don't be selfish, judgmental and condemning; learn to be selfless and make an effort to help your friends through their hopeless times because there will be a day, I PROMISE YOU, that you will wish someone would do the same for you.