I don't even know where to begin. Every stage right now is uncharted territory for me, so I ALWAYS feel like I'm in a strange place. Nothing feels right.
I had been pretty stable emotionally lately; meaning I'm not falling apart at the drop of a hat. Until this past week...
I'm finding that I'm not as patient with people's petty crap anymore. I can't deal with the negativity between people. I keep comparing the importance of everything to what I had. If you are still married to the love of your life and you get to be with them, then forget all the petty, negative garbage.
Things beyond my control are happening around me and I'm not dealing with them well. Within a few days of a death most people (not family) have gone one with their lives; within a few months all those people expect that I have figured out how to go on with mine too. Am I ever going to figure it out? I don't know.
People say or do things with no intention of hurting me at all; they are just less sensitive now and don't think. I'm not mad about it and I typically just forget about it. However, this brings about some difficult feelings for me to process. I have always just done whatever people wanted and gone along with what was expected. Steve always protected me in these situations. Now, I have to figure our how to protect me. There are certain things I just know I cannot deal with; It's like pouring salt in an open wound. I'm afraid, I'm going to end up hurting people close to me because sometimes the process of trying to heal and protect myself means I can't do what is expected anymore.
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