Almost

I almost made it the whole day without crying today. I made it to 11:25p.m. until I broke. I find myself feeling sorry for Steve. I know he's in a better place and all of that, but the last moments of his life he was ALONE and now he's missing everything going on here. My mind won't let me stop replaying that night over and over again. It's like constant noise. I left, he probably fell asleep and then woke up looking for me. He had been falling asleep and waking up looking at me all day. It doesn't matter how good my reason was for leaving, it wasn't good enough, and his perception is all that matters anyway. Perception really is EVERYTHING!


I seem to be able to psyche myself up for a couple of days at a time to just charge through life, but in an instant it all changes and I realize that I still check the house, looking for him, every time I walk in the door; it's not really a conscious thing, it just is. When reality hits that he's not there, I lose the drive again.