I don't know what I believe

It's hit me pretty hard lately that I don't know what I believe. I know I believe there is a God and at some point in history he did love humanity enough to send his son to die and reconcile us to him. But after that, I don't know what I believe anymore. I used to believe God was in control. I used to believe that the God was big enough to create the universe would make him self small enough to have a individual relationship with each of us. I used to believe in healing and miracles. I used to believe that only Satan put us in trials and through our prayers and faith, God rescued us. Somehow I have seen all those things I used to believe work for some people, but it hasn't necessarily proven to be true for me.
So, here I sit with very little that I do know for sure and ask the God that I know exists to spell it out all for me. If He wants me to know that he is in control, He's going to have to show me and if He wants me to believe that He cares enough about me to know me individually then HE is going to have to show me. He's going to have show me miracles before I will believe in them again. I know this is opposite of how it's taught it church. In church, first it's have faith and then the manifestation but I figure that If God is in control and He knows me individually, He knows that I did it the church way and He can see where that got me. I'm changing my grip. I'm no longer holding onto everything I thought I knew about life as a "christian" and whatever the truth is will have to grip me instead.

Steve ate healthier than I did, he did more for God than I do, he would have been able to handle me dying much better than  I am handling this. If God is in control and someone had to go, it should have been me.