Fixer

I was born into a Christian family; my parents are pastors. I have known about God my whole life. Sometimes, I think that makes things a little harder. A lot of people have a MOMENT when they realize they need God and then they give their life to him. I just knew, there wasn't a MOMENT that brought me to a realization that I needed God, I always knew.
I have always been a "fixer." My personality just makes me want to fix problems for people. There has really never been a time that I felt incapable of finding an answer or helping someone through a problem. I have always known that there is a way to fix whatever the problem is, I just have to find the solution.
My whole life, I have "helped" God fix my problems. If myself or a family member is sick, I look up holistic solutions and go to work on trying to remedy the issue. If someone I know has a legal battle, I go to work on helping to remedy the issue. It's just something in me, that feels the need to fix things, UNTIL NOW. Now, I have a problem that I cannot fix. No one can help me fix this. For the first time in my life I can't do ANYTHING to fix it. I find myself having to rely on God completely; trust completely that even though I'm angry, hurt, and questioning Him that somehow he will get me through this.
I still don't know why this happened. I still have so much guilt that if I let myself think about it, I would go insane. I still have no idea how I'm going to make it through all of this loneliness. Somehow, I will continue living, even though I feel like most of me died with him. Somehow, I will get my girls through this with their Faith in God intact. Somehow, I will make this business, we were building, successful. I don't know if I will ever feel like a whole person again, but for the sake of my kids, I'm attempting to do more than just EXIST until I die.

This is how I feel at this moment which is continuously changing.