Memories everywhere

Today started off o.k. I had another dream about Steve last night, but the frustrating thing is that I can't remember anything about it. Sometimes, I start dreaming about him and then I wake up and can't remember what I dreamed. It's upsetting because dreams are the closest I get to him now and I want to remember. One of our favorite movies was the Demi Moore Movie, Ghost. You have no idea how many times I've wished that could happen.

I picked up Angel's friends and we went to the Science Center to have a build a bear party and look around. The party went good and they had a great time. But, the hospital that my husband died in is right by the Science Center. When I pulled onto Kingshighway I looked over there and it took everything I had to hold it together. The whole drive from Kingshighway to Lindbergh I was replaying that night in my mind. Lindbergh is where I turned around right after the doctor called me. That drive seemed like it took forever; I guess it did take forever.

After we took her friends home, Angel wanted to go to Fazolis for dinner. I took her and Jamie and we met Adison, Jessi, and Aleyce over there. As I was sitting there, I couldn't hold it together anymore. On September 3, 1995 we took my parents and his parents to this same Fazolis and announced our engagement. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to have to move far away to be able to try to move on;18 years of our lives built here is a lot to try to "move on" from. Most of the time I know I can't leave where 18 years of our lives have been built because even though it's not HOME without him, it's still the closest thing to  home we have.

The girls don't really seem to be grieving. Jamie cried in the beginning and Angel said she was sad, but didn't want to cry. I have noticed that Angel is clinging to Adison more now and she often puts her head on my chest to hear my heartbeat. I think she's concerned, but doesn't want to talk about it. Steve's symptoms started with a cough and now if I cough Angel wants to know why I'm coughing. They shouldn't have to go through life without a Dad, especially the father that Steve was.