Physical Pain

Since Steve died I have dealt with so many emotions and feelings, but one of them has been that my chest physically hurts. I was praying and holding his foot while they were attempting to bring him back and one of the times that they said "clear" it just didn't register and I didn't "clear". I felt the jolt go through my arm and as the night went on I felt very odd. My husband just died, so of course I felt bad. I felt like I was going to throw up most of the time. The next morning, I experienced something that I have no idea how to explain. Sometimes, I dream very vividly and I used to have to ask Steve if I dreamed it or it happened. Well, I assume I dreamed this, but my heart was racing and I was dying. I felt myself leaving my body and then coming back. It happened three times. I was thinking, I can't die laying here next to my kids. When I woke up, I didn't know if it was a dream or it really happened or what, but I still felt weird. I have physically felt chest pain since he died. I have no idea why, but I'm finding out that it is a normal thing. Apparently being this emotionally heartbroken can manifest itself with physical pain. 

I looked at a house today. I'm not ready to sell this one, but I think we probably need to move. I find myself constantly wondering what Steve would do, if the roles were reversed. Then regretting that we never discussed any of this, but why would we.  I told him countless times that God knew what he was doing when he put us together, no one could have been more perfect for me or fit more perfectly into my family. As unlikely as it seems that a 17 year old girl and a 24 year old divorced father would be a perfect match; we were perfect for each other.  He always said it was a God thing. 

The questions are infinite, but  the worst part about it all is that my heart left me when he died. I can't figure out why he didn't fight his way back to me. But, because he didn't come back to me, I have to keep going as an incomplete as I am.