NOW

Since my life has become undone, I find myself being unable to plan anything. The problem is not that I'm too busy with work or have such a social life, I can't fit anything in; the problem is planning requires thought. Thought requires consciously admitting that my plans will no longer include my husband.

My Mom and I were talking about Thanksgiving dinner the other day and she needed to count how many people would be there. I immediately began what I always do, I count by family household and I start with counting my 4 ... then it hits me that now it's 3 and I am completely overwhelmed again. I wanted to order tickets to a friends event, and before I thought about it I said I need 4 tickets but as soon as I sent the message IT HIT ME, I only need 3 tickets now.

Right or wrong, it has become necessary for me to only consider the moment I am in. Thinking about tomorrow or next week is too difficult and if I even consider what happens in a few years when my girls are grown and gone, IT ALL UNRAVELS. Now is all I can even begin to accept and live in. I think it's an improvement, a small one, but still an improvement over living every second in the past.