The Silence is Broken

I have cried, begged, and screamed with God to help me; give me something to hold onto. I was thinking yesterday that there have been lots of times in my life, I can say I think God did this or did that. Maybe a few times, I can even say it "seems" like God said this or that. But, I could only think of 2 times in my entire life, that I absolutely KNEW that God said something to me; both times were through prophecy. I've been trying to figure out why it seems like God has been silent when I need him most. He may not be silent, but I haven't been able to hear him.

I have no idea how, but somehow I ended up on the facebook page of a church about an hour from me. I went from their facebook page to their website and then from their website to their youtube channel. The first video I clicked on was a woman who explained the story of her 13 year old son's illness and death. He had died 2 days before this video was recorded. Somehow, she stood in front of that church declaring that "God is Good." The more I listened the more I knew I needed to visit that church.

Tonight, I drove to that church. While I'm standing there during worship, one of the Pastor's came up to me and said God told her to tell me that He didn't do this and He loves me. There were other things God said, but what I'm focusing on right now is just that God wanted to tell me He didn't do this and He loves me. I understand that this is the most basic information to everyone else right now and I realize that the Bible says the same thing all throughout it. The bible also says "by his stripes we are healed." Jesus gave anyone who believed in him spiritual authority over the devil. But, after we believed for Steve's healing and he passed away anyway, I have found it very difficult to believe even the basic stuff.  I have been broken and the foundation of my faith has been shaken.

I have been grieving two separate things. I have been grieving Steve, but I've also been grieving the security I felt in my belief system . There is nothing that can be done about the grief I feel over Steve, that is going to be a part of me. Three months ago, I didn't have many questions about my faith, eternity, healing, etc. On Sept 11, 2013 questions I had never even thought of before overwhelmed me. Every question leads to another question and no definitive answers were given. I knew I was starting over, not only physically but spiritually too. Finally, the foundation is beginning to be re-built.  I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but at least the silence has been broken.  I'm  back at the beginning, but that's farther than I was.