2 Months

Today is the 2 month mark. I really wish I could just lose track of dates because the fact that the 11th of the month is coming hits me way before the 11th, then I just count down the days. What else do I have to do anyway.

I have sincerely been trying to get God to show me some things. I'm not talking crazy like God audibly speaking to me things. I'm talking about the kind of things I've have heard my whole life and I've been reading in books for the past 2 months. People having these major epiphany's with God where they finally grasp something and find themselves able to move on even though it hurts. People who have said, just ask God to give you peace, scriptures saying he will give you beauty for ashes, etc. Well, I'm still waiting. I don't ever stop asking, reading, searching. I realize it most people's worlds 2 months isn't that long; for me it has been eternity. When every second and every breath brings pain, 2 months is excruciating.

I am not a stranger to faith struggles, we prayed for years to be able to have a baby; we prayed for years for Steve's healing of diabetes. Since God doesn't lie, I have to come to one of two conclusions, either our faith was somehow never enough or it's like the Hebrews 11 thing where we were never going to get the healing until we were in Heaven. Why do some people get it here? I have no idea. Why do horrible people get to be pregnant and have healthy children; people who never wanted kids in the first place. I have no idea. Why did I see so much more healing, prophesy, and movement of God as a child than I do now? I have no idea.

It's disturbing to me to not know the answers to any of this. I know that God's thoughts are higher than ours and some things are to remain a mystery, but somehow I just don't believe that we are supposed to know less now than before or that we are supposed to witness the works of God less now than we did before. I don't know what the answer is. I thought it was all just a matter of faith, but it seems that something else has to be involved. I don't know what it is, but I'm not happy with the knowledge that some people have the revelation and I don't.  I don't know how long it will take,  but God's eventually going to let me in on the secret.