Sleep

Today has been tough. I didn't sleep well and I woke up too early. Obviously, sleeping is easier than being awake, so being able to sleep well would be nice. The only appointment I had today got cancelled, so that left me sitting here all day with nothing to do but think. Adison called and asked if we wanted to go see a movie, so we decided to do that.

I took the girls to Wal-mart to get candy for the movie and a birthday card for my Mom. I seriously hate going to the store now. EVERYTHING reminds me of something. I got to the card isle and the birthday cards for Mom's are right next to the birthday cards for wives. Steve always got me a birthday card and he always wrote something very sweet in it. This year he was in the hospital on my birthday, so there was no birthday card. We were going to get a couples massage for my birthday, but never had the chance. I finally got out of the card isle and went to the candy isle. First thing that jumps out at me is Wintergreen Life Savers. When Steve first went into the hospital, he had a very sore throat and a bad cough. The nurses would only give him one cough drop every two hours, so he had me sneak him sugar free wintergreen life savers because they would help his throat. He never needed them after surgery because the cough and sore throat were gone.

As we sat down in the movie theatre tonight, I remembered that the last movie Steve and I took the girls to see was Planes. When we left the theatre, there were posters up for Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 2 and the girls got in the car chattering about how they wanted to see it as soon as it came out. We told them we would take them to see it. So, today I took them without him.

Have you ever had a day where you just question EVERYTHING; even things you knew to be true just yesterday. Today has been that day for me. I have not been able to keep my mind busy enough today to stop thinking about it all. The horrible images of them performing CPR are branded in my mind and I hate thinking about it. I would love to be able to just believe and accept that he died with no pain, but the truth is,I have no idea because no one knows what happened. I have no idea if he felt everything they were doing. I want to believe he heard me praying and telling him I love him, but if he heard that then that means he had to have felt the pain of them working on him.